Self Aware

Thursday, March 26, 2015

I wasn't happy to find myself pregnant at the beginning of 2014. I doubt that's shocking to those who've read between the lines or had a conversation with me last year.

Sure, we'd made comments about the possibility of a 4th child someday, but it was quite different to all of the sudden be pregnant, again. The year of 2014 was supposed to be a big year for me, personally. I had goals and dreams, things I wanted to prove to myself. And another baby, another year of being a vessel, once again laying down myself for the development of life, they were completely contradictory to what I envisioned.

And yet, 2014 did end up being a HUGE year for me. I learned more about myself through the course of those 365 days, directly due to expecting our bonus baby. Not all of what I learned was positive, actually most of what I learned about myself wasn't, but there's something to be said for examining the darkest parts of yourself. I would honestly describe it as standing at the edge of an abyss, toeing the line, and mustering the courage to walk away. Of course, this is dramatizing very mundane aspects of days, weeks, months. It wasn't all dark, dreary and oppressive, but in the small moments to myself, I was overwhelmed in it.

It wasn't about Naomi. I'm so happy to say that I loved and embraced her whole heartedly from the moment I first laid eyes on her, something that in the early weeks of my pregnancy, I felt incapable of doing. I was scared, so scared of fulfilling all of my obligations to my family and clients, and unfortunately throughout the fall, most of the things that I was most afraid of started to occur. I felt completely alone and like I was failing, everything and everyone. 

I had to go grocery shopping with three kids the day after we got home from the hospital, because I hadn't stocked my fridge in preparation for my baby to come 2 1/2 weeks early. I shot my first session at two weeks post partum, because it was a milestone session to be rescheduled as soon as possible following the early birth. Life just didn't stop, for even the blink of an eye to take in the new life that we'd welcomed. It just kept going at a crazy pace.  

Something finally clicked around Christmas. By that time I had drank and eaten my way back to the weight I was pregnant with Naomi and then some. I'd never weighed that much, ever. Pregnant or not. It was finally the kick in the pants I needed. I wasn't happy with who I was. I felt weighed down by my life, like I physically couldn't breath because of those I loved the most.

I'm sure this will somehow be misconstrued, but my hope is that it can help someone. If there's one reader who can be nudged into the right direction or the arms of someone who cares, it will have been worth it.

Because I'm not there anymore. I was able to stare down the monster within myself. And I won. Everyday I'm striving to be a better version of me, to figure out who that even looks like as a mom of 4. And as opposed to last fall, I am certain that I will successfully regain my identity, which includes being a mother, but leaves room for more.


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