Just a quick recap of the grossness of my heart. I've been really discouraged since we got back from the Dells. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I've really been firing on all cylinders since my midwife told me that I'd gained too much weight. Some might quickly chalk it up to vanity, but the more I dissect it, it's become clear to me why. I have never and do not have an eating disorder, but I can understand the allure to control something. It was a huge reality check to me that while I felt like things have been largely crazy and I fully owned that I felt along for the ride, since just before Christmas, I still thought I had some control on my weight gain.
My disappointment in hearing disapproval from my midwife seems to have permeated many aspects of my life. Usually, I'm a pretty easy going person, but ever since hearing that I'd gained too much, I just feel like I'm failing. Throw in a weekend in a swimsuit with skinny minnies [and don't you even deny it :)], a brutal week of hockey with Tony reffing 9 games, including two in Duluth that involved travel, and well, it's just not a great place to be. There are no less than 4 baskets of laundry to be put away, actually scratch that, I'm not even certain they're all clean. We have no groceries, as the cold front mixed with Tony's hockey schedule doesn't really make me want to take both boys out into the frigid temps to shop. As you can imagine, I'm not a lot of fun to be around.
To cap it all off, every which angle I look at it I'm doubting the big words I came out with at the beginning of the year and I'm already doubting that it'll be accomplished. I'm sitting here incredibly blessed and yet, just there it is, the grossness of my heart.