Grossness

Monday, January 14, 2013

Just a quick recap of the grossness of my heart. I've been really discouraged since we got back from the Dells. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I've really been firing on all cylinders since my midwife told me that I'd gained too much weight. Some might quickly chalk it up to vanity, but the more I dissect it, it's become clear to me why. I have never and do not have an eating disorder, but I can understand the allure to control something. It was a huge reality check to me that while I felt like things have been largely crazy and I fully owned that I felt along for the ride, since just before Christmas, I still thought I had some control on my weight gain. 

My disappointment in hearing disapproval from my midwife seems to have permeated many aspects of my life. Usually, I'm a pretty easy going person, but ever since hearing that I'd gained too much, I just feel like I'm failing. Throw in a weekend in a swimsuit with skinny minnies [and don't you even deny it :)], a brutal week of hockey with Tony reffing 9 games, including two in Duluth that involved travel, and well, it's just not a great place to be. There are no less than 4 baskets of laundry to be put away, actually scratch that, I'm not even certain they're all clean. We have no groceries, as the cold front mixed with Tony's hockey schedule doesn't really make me want to take both boys out into the frigid temps to shop. As you can imagine, I'm not a lot of fun to be around.

To cap it all off, every which angle I look at it I'm doubting the big words I came out with at the beginning of the year and I'm already doubting that it'll be accomplished. I'm sitting here incredibly blessed and yet, just there it is, the grossness of my heart.

20 comments:

Julia said...

You have another human being inside of your rocking body, my friend. You BETTER not be a skinny minnie when housing baby girl! A healthy, fit, PREGNANT mama in a bikini is freaking amazing and empowering.

I totally get the need to control weight gain, food, LIFE---but man, sometimes it's just out of our hands. And it's oh, so temporary. In a few more months you will get your body back and can pound the pavement until your heart is content. But I bet you will still miss these days of a bouncing baby belly. The paradox of pregnancy---loving the miracle, but still kind of wanting the mundane.

Hang in there, lady!! Chin up!

Erin said...

Sorry you're feeling that way but I hope you can find a way to get rid of those icky feelings - because you are beautiful! And growing a baby! I think I saw a comment on FB recently, too, about you going "above and beyond" on a work project or something? So much good - chin up, indeed! Hugs.

Erin said...

P.S. At first I thought this was going to be about sickness following the Dells, since it's been pure grossness since last weekend!! Total cesspool those waterparks are, I guess. Ick.

Claudia said...

It's too bad the pressures on moms to be, new moms, all moms. You're eating healthy and staying active. I wish your midwife had appreciated the impact of her words and been more understanding. Back in the day (17years ago), we were advised that healthy eating and activity were the best. I gained 54 pounds with my pregnancy and was joyful! Really! My 100 pound frame needed it to carry healthy son! Weight came off in 6 weeks. The first thing I notice about moms to be (first baby or third) is their happiness! And that's the first thing I see with you and your sons! Take heart. The weather is cold, you're carrying baby girl differently than your sons, and you're probably tuckered out! Those crazy boys keep you hopping!
Lastly, yes, you will make your stay at home dream come true. Keep your dream where you can see it, it's easier to reach.

Emily C said...

I am a relatively new follower (and new public blogger). I haven't commented yet, but felt compelled tonight:) I just wanted to let you know you are a beautiful mom and a such a beautiful pregnant momma. Your dream of being a SAHM is going to come true, just trust in The Lord. The bible says that if you are truly delighting in Him, trusting in Him, committing your way to Him, and waiting on Him, He will give you the desires of your heart. He is able to MORE than you can imagine. I will say a special prayer for you tonight:)

Ephesians 3:20-21
Psalm 37:4

Chris said...

I know it's easy said than done, but chin up lady! You look ridiculously gorgeous. Seriously. Do I have to say it again? RIDICULOUSLY GORGEOUS!

This too shall pass.

The Edberg's said...

I agree with the above posters - you look fantastic and are so blessed to be carrying another little baby! Your beautiful body is growing someone else in it! It is natural to feel different and a bit wonky while that takes place. :-) Hopefully these positive comments and some love from your boys will bring you peace.

Tina said...

i am also a new commenter even though i have followed your blog for a year now. i just wanted to encourage you and remind you that god's grace is sufficient for you in this rut. i often get like that myself and i feel overwhelmed with what doesn't seem to be going the way that i envisioned (even down to how i keep my home). i have to remind myself that those feelings will pass and that god is still right there with me, providing me grace and encouraging me to cling to him.

Jill said...

I'm sorry you're so down, Leah. Those feelings are not any fun and I'm hoping that they got away soon. Growing a little girl didn't always feel glorious for me and I had a lot of down moments while she was growing inside of me... I think they just literally suck the life out of you. It's not a lot of fun, but they are a blessing.

Winter is hard period. Every feels gross and yucky and just ugh... Hopefully this weather will turn around soon and you'll feel better with a little sunshine.

I'm thinking about you... This will pass... with time.

Katie said...

Just sending some hugs. I can relate to pretty much everything you said in this post, especially the frustration with weight gain.

Navigating the Mothership said...

Pregnancy weight gain is a tricky and challenging thing and getting that shame sort of feeling from a midwife is something I can relate to. Let's see...ah, here it is: http://preggyblonde.blogspot.com/2009/02/27-weeks-2-days.html

I am a GAINER during pregnancy. Like a ton of weight and almost all in the last two trimesters. We are talking 2 lbs a week. And then I lose it all and go back to being average weight with zero effort (and thin if I cared enough to cut out daily desserts & regular wine). Anyway, I share this because we only can control so much during pregnancy. Add in life circumstances (two boys! busy work! husband away!) and it's very, very hard to manage the rest. Try to not let the midwife's comment eat at you (kind of impossible, as I know). Your body will likely adjust itself to gain less in the coming weeks and if not then keep in mind that you will go back to normal post pregnancy. You will not magically turn into someone who gains a bunch of weight. It's not in your genetics, otherwise it would have shown up by now, you know?

Anyway, this is rambly so I will stop, but I will be thinking about you and I hope the gross feeling can go away soon enough.

Meredith said...

So, I know this wasn't meant to be a funny post at all, but I totally laughed reading it, because (a) my week has been similar and (b) because while I was watching the IG feed of you in the Dells, one of my first thoughts was 'If I ever get to meet those girls, we are NOT going somewhere where I have to be in a bathing suit all day, because I'm already going to tower over all of them, and I don't need to look any MORE like Shrek in comparison!' ;) So I feel you.

Also, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I have absolutely NO DOUBT that you will be at home with your boys (and girl!!!!) one day. I hope it's this year, but if not, I am certain that it's coming, and it's going to be amazing, because it's totally God ordained. I know that must sound crazy to be coming from a friend across the country (I always feel a little crazy saying it), but I have absolutely no doubt about this. Just trust God, and trust his timing...it's always perfect, even if it doesn't make sense on paper.

LivingLifeBlessed said...

Praying for you. You are one of the cutest pregnant ladies I have ever seen. You have nothing to worry about! That being said, gaining during pregnancy isn't fun (although necessary), so when you feel like you are gaining too much and can't change it, that really stinks. :( But you are healthy and baby girl is healthy. That is what matters most!

And I truly hope your goal to stay at home does happen on schedule. God knows how much you desire this for your family. I listened to a sermon last week that I LOVED and I feel like it might be an encouragment to you too. It was on Proverbs 3:5-6. And to sum it up we need to communicate (everything, worries, hurts, joy, etc) with God, then we need to commit it all to Him. After that, we need to REST in Him. So much of the time we communicate with God and commit things to Him. But then we just take it right back into our own hands. Human nature. It is so easy to do. But God has better for us, if we can just learn to rest in Him.

Jeannie said...

Sending encouragemnt and many ::hugs:: your Leah!

Kim said...

Big Hugs Leah!

W said...

As I always say when I feel overwhelmed "one crisis at a time." There is only one of you. If it doesn't get done today, it will tomorrow (or the next day). Take a breather. I know hearing about the weight is not ideal but you are growing a person. Remember that.

ashavenue said...

I totally get where you're coming from. It's the way I'm geared. One little comment can stick in my head and the devil can use it and manipulate it in my mind to control my thoughts for a whole day/week. You are so good at organizing your thoughts. I'm sure you'll soon come to peace with your body and move on. I agree with the others, you look great! You'll be trim in no time after Baby Sweets gets here, so don't worry. Your body has done great at rebounding from pregnancy in the past. I'm sure this time will be no different. :)

Kristal said...

Man, I really wish your midwife knew the weight of her words. :-/

Leah, you are beautiful. You really are. And your body is GROWING a BABY. I mean, that is incredible. Your body has been so good to you Leah - growing two sweet boys, nourishing them many months after birth, taking the use and abuse of an active lifestyle, now growing another baby - so give it a little credit. :)

And I'm with Meredith. I know you will be staying home with your babies soon. You are being fatithful, you are giving God the glory, and God rewards that! I know He will see that this deepest desire of yours comes to fruition.

Megan said...

The Lord promises to give us the desires of our hearts, I trust that HE will fulfill that promise to you and Tony THIS YEAR.

You are loved and beautiful, sweet friend. Wish I could give you a big giant hug!

LC said...

I'm so sorry that you are feeling down right now but I totally understand self-image issues (even while pregnant). Big hugs to you. Hopefully you are feeling more lifted today. Big hugs!

 

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