MishMash

1). I tried wearing my too big Old Navy full panel maternity jeans. It was worse than comical. Unfortunately  even worse, the two pairs of Gap Black Friday maternity jeans I scored for $24 a pair came in yesterday and are also too big. Being that I've never bought Gap jeans before, I assumed they would be smaller than Old Navy and so ordered the same size as I currently have that are too big from Old Navy, and I was wrong. :(

2). Tony tried to fulfill my craving and replenish my empty pickle jar [doesn't that sound like a euphemism?]. Unfortunately instead of coming home with Claussen pickles though, he had the above. Now, I'm no pickle snob, I just love a good dill, but this pregnancy, I must have Claussen's!

3). Given the many circumstances of the ultrasound, Tony and I have decided to do an elective ultrasound at the end of December to confirm that she is in fact she. While we want to assume the best of people, since no ultrasound picture was provided like one was with Ezra of the goods and there is no detail of the sex on the ultrasound report, since it is frivolous to the primary diagnostic, we just want a little bit of confirmation.

4). Baby names seem to be a bit more pesky this time than with Ezra. See with Isaac, we went in 98% sure he'd be Micah, but were so glad to be able to change our minds without disappointing friends or family or nullifying personalized gifts. Our short list from Isaac came into play with Ezra, but Ezra came out of nowhere and soon became a top contender! While we've had an extremely short list of girl names with each pregnancy, I assumed that a new name could come into the running and surprise us again. Unfortunately, Tony is a little more opinionated than I bargained with girl names!

The good news is that we agree to three names and they are three good names, but we don't agree on our favorites. Although, I do have one powerful little ally, Isaac. :) I listed all three names and one was a definite no, one was okay and he told me he likes the name I like. Time will tell, time will tell.

20 weeks | Baby Sweets

How far along: 20 weeks. [20 with Ezra, 20 with Isaac]

How big is baby: A banana at 6 1/2 inches. Over half a foot!

Weight gain/loss: The last two weeks have not been kind to me and I’ve managed to put on an additional 4lbs, for a total 9lb weight gain. I’m glad to be gaining, just not so quickly and close together!

Stretch marks: After two pregnancies, I somehow still don't have any. 

Sleep: I haven't been able to sleep really deep lately and I hate it.

Diet/Cravings/Aversions: I’m still noshing on pickles, Claussen pickles that is and we’re currently out of them! I managed to still eat pretty paleo friendly last week, including Thanksgiving, but I think I just ate tooooooo much. This would definitely explain why heartburn made it’s return so early.

Movement: Baby and I are getting to know each other with more movement every day!

What I'm worrying about: Our financial game plan to get me home. Tony and I have some work to do, tightening the belt, pinching the pocket book and all the good like. My brother’s wedding cost us a dime, so November was out, Christmas this month and a trip to the Dells in January, but we’ve got to stay on track and pay down that debt!

What I'm loving: Daily letting it sink in further that I’m going to have a daughter!

Symptoms: Heartburn. Blech. Also my stomach just popped with the additional 4 lb weight gain!

What I'm looking forward to: I took advantage of a few online sales and can’t wait until my new maternity jeans come in! I finally bit the bullet and just wore the too big Old Navy ones and they are absolutely comical on me. They’re just too big!

Best moment of the week: Um, that would be finding out the sex of our 3^rd child! We’re having a girl! 

Red Lights :: Baby Sweets' Reveal

I remember distinctly just how excited I was upon waking the day of Ezra’s anatomy scan [aka 20 week ultrasound]. Somehow, I had shaken the pregnant-after-a-loss anxieties and I was just happy, exuberant and yet somehow relaxed. Such was not the case the morning of Baby Sweets’ ultrasound. Sunday night, I kept occupied with several last minute “reveal session details,” and somehow found myself sewing quick mittens out of red fleece until 11:30pm . . . which turned into anxious thoughts that kept me up until well past 12:00am.


The alarm sounded at 5:15am and Tony and I were groggily up and at ‘em for the day. In a flurry of activity, we got the vehicles loaded, bodies dressed and out the door. Unfortunately, with snow and traffic, we ended up running behind.

I ran into the hospital to check in and my whole concept of the day’s progression was put off track when the receptionist came back to the front after conferring with the ultrasound tech, informing me quickly “You’ll have to reschedule.” Ten minutes. Ten minutes. Where could we have picked up ten minutes to have not been late? I started getting upset immediately, refusing to take the rescheduled appointment. All I kept thinking was that if the hospital hadn’t of lost my original appt time, which was at 8:00am, we wouldn’t be in this situation. We wouldn’t have had to leave the house before 6:30. I turned into one of “those people” and was very firm that I wanted an appointment that day. No one budged. Almost on the verge of tears after speaking with scheduling, I left the lobby. Tony followed me out, but then said he was going to go back, “Just to talk with someone.”

Talking with someone turned into him asking to speak with the ultrasound technician, who very unhappily obliged. Tony stated our case, why we were upset about the original lost appointment, that we had both had to take time off of work and that we’d had to arrange child care to which the ultrasound technician finally threw up her hands and said “Fine, I’ll take you over my lunch!” Now, with time and perspective, we know that it wasn’t her fault. We know that we were the ones who were late. We wanted something to be done to remedy the situation, but at no point were we rude, exhibiting un-Christ like behavior, or ask her to take us over her lunch. We did still end up feeling like “those people.”

So, with a rescheduled ultrasound at 12:00pm, we left the hospital to join the boys and my Dad for breakfast, followed by killed time at Target and the toy aisle, followed by Ezra napping in the Jeep and Tony and Isaac heading off for the mall. When Isaac fell asleep in the car though, Tony just decided to drive around for awhile before coming back for the rescheduled ultrasound that we were early to. Again handing the boys off to my Dad, who thankfully had a very flexible schedule yesterday, we walked in for me to check in for the 2nd time. Since leaving earlier in the morning, I think it ate at both Tony and I that we acted unlike ourselves to be so forceful. At that point, I think we were both just as nervous for how awkward the scan could go, so much as whether the baby was healthy! Thankfully, we brought full arms of appeasement via small gifts from Target for the receptionists and the ultrasound tech. When she greeted us, you could tell she had resolved to be curt, but professional, until I handed her the gift and subsequently choked up in thanking her and apologizing. Both were extremely well received and she said “I’ll just say thank you, and we’ll leave it at that.”

With that behind us, I laid down for the ultrasound and immediately started to cry when she showed us both hemispheres of our Baby Sweet’s brain. With both Ezra and Baby Sweet’s, it’s the brain that gets me going, followed shortly by viewing all four chambers of the heart. While my loss was early, it doesn’t lessen the fact that I understand how absolutely miraculous each and every healthy pregnancy is. It never ceases to amaze me.

It’s interesting, how so many people love how I “creatively” announce my pregnancies and find out the sex, while just as many seem to hate it. It’s seen as over the top and ultimately narcissist, which I’ve never understood, as it’s personal and intimate to us. Instead of finding out with a stranger in the room, we get to find out together, as a family. Tony loves going along with it and helps in any way he can, as it fills our time leading up to the big ultrasound. And while the reveal is focused on the gender, it allows us to forget about the what-ifs the ultrasound could discover until only a little window of worry is open. We know that the ultrasounds sole purpose is as a diagnostic tool to determine health of the baby, not the future paint color of the walls of the nursery.

But I digress, over and over we heard how all of the measurements looked good and lined up, pounding in that indeed, there was again, a healthy baby. We didn’t give her any indication which sex we were hoping for, but had just asked that she not share with us. Instead, I had printed two pictures, clearly labeled “It’s a boy” and “It’s a girl” for her to pop into a sealed envelope. At the end of the ultrasound, once all of the required measurements were taken, she asked Tony and I to look away while she tried to get an idea of the sex. Baby Sweets wasn’t too cooperative and the tech tried for around 5 minutes to get a better view. She said at the beginning that she had a “pretty good idea,” and then quickly stated, “Yup, I know it now.” This led Tony to believe Baby Sweets was a girl and for me to only more firmly believe our third boy was on the way.

As we wrapped up the ultrasound, we again thanked her for taking us. She again asserted that the gift was unnecessary and that led to us thanking her yet again! I was just beside myself that we had a third healthy baby! Such an amazing blessing!

My Dad took the boys to Target for a 2nd time during the ultrasound and we met up for lunch, each boy sporting a new toy . . . Ah, Grandpa. :) We ate lunch before I took off for my follow up appointment with my midwife, which aside from her and I both thanking God for a healthy baby, was largely uneventful [which are the best kind]. 

I was in and out within 35 minutes and found myself leading a caravan to the tree farm for the reveal session . . . finally, only 6 hours after originally planned!

Thankfully, Gina and our friend Julia were both able to still make it at the later time, with Gina shooting a session in between. I was slightly concerned that the tree farm would dislike our shooting during business hours, opposed to the original time that we’d discussed which was before they even opened, but the owner Neil seemed pleased we were there and didn't seem to have a single issue with our plans . . . small generator and all.

So, we set off to find our tree location. Tony, Gina, Julia and I, a rag tag bunch of Minnesotans with too many layers on to count to compensate for the 15F weather. We made short work of decorating the tree, before I set off to dress the boys in their outfits [ie layers, lots and lots of layers]. It was my favorite kind of busy, the kind that keeps your mind full, until before you know it, you’re standing with your family, in front of your best friend and Dad, ready to find out the sex of your 3^rd, and for all intents and purposes, final child.

Unfortunately, not everything went as planned . . . you know, kind of like the entire rest of the day, and my poor sweet, happy hearted Ezra could.not.stand.the.cold. Nothing would soothe him, so we decided to just go for it. We stood, our family of 4 ,in front of that beautiful Christmas tree and I had no clue whether red or blue bulbs would be shining when I opened my eyes. I listened as Gina, Julia, my Dad, Tony and Isaac counted down from 3, but I wasn’t ready when they stopped. I didn’t gather myself, I didn’t reflect, hope, wish, anything. I just opened my eyes and for a moment must have completely lost myself, because I forgot what I was looking at. I thoroughly believe there was a look of confusion the first few seconds my eyes were open, because I just couldn’t comprehend: RED. Red lights. Red lights meant a girl. A girl? We’re having a girl? Typing this I still can’t believe it.

So many people have said comments to me over the course of this pregnancy and even yesterday, even comments on this blog, regarding my “always wanting a girl” or “trying for a girl” or anything somehow related to the assumption that given my having two boys, I would most certainly hope to have a daughter. I think I’ve finally pinpointed why it irks me so. It seems to short change God. It doesn’t acknowledge the definite heart change of the magnitude only He can swing that has occurred to only recently open my heart to a daughter. I really wanted three boys. No, this has not been my dream since I was a little girl, as domesticity and mothering were not roles I desired to fill, but since marriage, since Isaac, that is what I envisioned, a mother to three sons. I thought I understood her, that mom, she felt safe to me. I can without a doubt say it was never my dream to have a daughter. I hope I’m accurately describing the condition of my heart and my hopes, because it’s why I want to explain to every single person who seems to give me the knee jerk reaction that I “must be thrilled,” that while yes, I am overjoyed [which is a work of God], I’m also recovering from the loss of my original dream. I was so convinced it was a 3rd boy, while I spoke of hoping for a girl, I was already planning what my future looked like as a mother of three boys. And then there's just facing the fact that there are women, desiring a daughter, desiring a son, desiring any baby and here I am with the guff to lay it out there that this wasn't what I envisioned.  It’s a very confusing mix of emotions. 

And well, what everyone wants to actually see, the pictures. Gina Zeidler and Julia Prichard were troopers, especially considering the weather, let alone the schedule changes. Gina is my dearest friend, the one who has taught me how to be a friend. I treasure these images so much! I can't explain the shock, but the pictures can!




And . . . just getting into it! When we opened our eyes!










"You're going to have a little sister Isaac!"   


"See Isaac? Red lights!"







Smiles all around!

Baby Sweets is a . . .

Beautiful and healthy baby . . . 


To say we're shocked is an understatement. So wonderfully blessed and over the moon.

Update

 You know how there's that whole verse "Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."? Yeah, played big today, as we were 10 minutes late to the ultrasound and told to reschedule. Thankfully Tony was able to get a 12:00pm appointment. So, new schedule: 12:00pm ultrasound, 2:00pm midwife appointment, and the reveal to follow.

Can't wait to finally see Baby Sweets again!

The countdown is on!

I woke up this morning at 5:00am and couldn't go back to sleep. My thoughts were too occupied with the excitement we'll have tomorrow! My ultrasound is at 7:15am, followed by an appointment with my Midwife at 8:00am. From there, we'll go to reveal location. If all is well, we'll hopefully be sharing sometime during the day tomorrow!


Personally, both Tony and I are quite certain that I'm carrying Fontaine boy #3, as this has been carbon copy of my previous two pregnancies. And, while yes, I've had a recent change of heart to desire a daughter, I have always loved the thought of being the mother of three boys!

It can basically be summed up by Isaac's recent answers:
"Mama, I want the baby to be a boy. I want to have another little brother. Oh wait, I changed my mind, I want it to be a sister. Well . . . maybe a brother."

Because in the end, we know we're blessed to welcome another child.

State your guess!
 

19 weeks | Baby Sweets

 
How far along: 19 weeks. [19 with Ezra, 19 with Isaac]

How big is baby: A mango at 6 inches. A half a foot! Vernix caseosa is now coating my baby's skin, shielding it from the amniotic fluid. 

Weight gain/loss: I had a slight loss between my emotional eating and ridiculous amount of food consumed this past weekend, and I'm still holding out at 5lbs.

Stretch marks: After two pregnancies, I somehow still don't have any. 

Sleep: I haven't been able to sleep really deep lately and I hate it.

Diet/Cravings/Aversions: This isn't a fish for compliments. Truly truly. We ate out for 4 days. Blech. I feel so gross and while I fully intended to indulge Thanksgiving, I just don't have it in me. I've never felt less attractive in my life right now and just a big old pregnant blob. I really can't seem to sum up just how disgusting I feel right now. And the worst part is that while yes, I lived it up a little bit, it's not like I'm having a fun warm-brownie-with-caramel-ice-cream craving that I give into nightly. This is just how awful I feel and I'm not even taking advantage of being pregnant. It makes me so frustrated. And you'd think that by the 3rd little one that I'd better come to terms with that fact that I'm going to feel like this.

Movement: Almost daily flutters, but still nothing certain or more frequent.

What I'm worrying about: Honestly, I'm worried about what my true reaction may be to finding out that we're having our third boy. I just do not think we can afford a 4th child [to try for a girl, as everyone and their brother is already suggesting] and further yet, I truly think I only want three children. Tony and I are pretty certain that we're Team Blue for a 3rd time and on paper, I'm fine with it. I just hope that the moment it's realized, I really really am. It's only been a recent divergence to wish for a daughter, so a part of me feels like it wouldn't even be right for me to be given a daughter, as it hasn't been my lifelong desire. Also, fun fact, everyone loves to state that it's a 50/50 shot, but in the US the stats are actually 51/49 boy/girl. And once you have two of the same sex, the stats favor that you'll continue the trend, not that you're "due" to break it.

What I'm loving: Being pregnant.

Symptoms: Fat, fat, fatness. Can you tell I just came back from trying to find a pair of maternity jeans at Target? With Isaac I had one pair of maternity jeans, with Ezra, I had two. Unfortunately the pair I loved is currently sporting a 5 inch hole on the seam of the jeans and panel, leaving them unwearable. I've been getting by with regular jeans, but just can't bring myself to squeeze into them any longer. I got a steal of a pair from Old Navy a few weeks back, but ordered a size too big . . . and then they accidentally ended up in the wash, so I'm unable to return or exchange them. :(

What I'm looking forward to: Thanksgiving! Sweet babies to photograph! Our ultrasound on Monday!

Best moment of the week: Watching my brother vow his heart, his life, his everything to his bride.

18 Weeks | Baby Sweets

Catch up post!

How far along: 18 weeks. [18 with Ezra, 18 with Isaac] 

How big is baby: A sweet potato at 5 1/2 inches. My sweet baby's skeleton is hardening, changing from rubbery cartilage to bone, and fat is finally accumulating around it. The umbilical cord is getting thicker and stronger, and those little fingers and toes are now topped by one-of-a-kind prints from waving around through the amniotic fluid.

Weight gain/loss: After a two days of emotional eating, I managed to get myself back on track. When eating paleo, cheats just end up not being worth it, as it clogs up your whole body and drains your energy. So I'm up to a total 3 lb weight gain.

Stretch marks: After two pregnancies, I somehow still don't have any. 

Sleep: Whooooa boy! Pregnancy dreams are in effect. 

Movement: Almost daily flutters, but still nothing certain or more frequent.

What I'm loving: Being pregnant.

Symptoms: Emotional, irritable, tired. 

Levi's Wedding

I practically fell off the face of the Earth last week and with little to no reminders that it was due to my brother's wedding!

Levi and Bethany are now married and I for one, am ecstatic! How could I not be? Their ceremony was absolutely beautiful, heartfelt and Christ centered. To boot, the boys made it down the aisle, smiling no less.

Since I'm the privileged older sister with connections, here are some beautiful sneak peeks from Gina.


















The couple are off to Jamaica for their well deserved honeymoon!

One of my favorite moments of the entire wedding was just as I was about to walk down the aisle, standing two couples back, the emotions completely overwhelmed me. I was just on the cusp of losing any sense of dignity, with happy ugly tears. Tony grabbed my arm and almost started to cry with me, before he gathered himself, and whispered in my ear exactly what I needed to hear, "I farted." Just seconds before walking down the aisle, I was able to laugh out loud, smile and only cry a little bit as I walked down. :) 

MishMash

There has been good lately. 

My friend, Ashley, found my sweater from H&M in Seattle. Ezra is an absolute doll baby and I love seeing him sleep. 5:00am wake up calls to welcome a new baby into the world make me feel alive. Capturing that first moment as a family of three? Incomparable. Snuggling brothers, absolutely slay me. Pinterest pinecones ornaments! And my Monday cure all, sweet sunshiney Ezra.