Apprehension

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Lately, I've been thinking quite a bit about our plan to transition me home. As I've quipped all too often this year, I can no longer say that I will then begin doing photography full time, as I feel like I already am, but to focus solely on photography and my family.

We have two plans, one more accelerated and the other more reasonable, which would get me home either summer 2013 or by the end of the year 2013. This would include photo money and Tony's reffing contributions from his upcoming 2012-2013.

To be honest, even when we are student loan debt free, leaving only our mortgage . . . I've been filled with this overwhelming burden that we won't be able to actually make this happen. We already live pretty frugally, so there isn't much left to cut and looking at everything on paper, I just don't see how we'll be able to afford my quitting plus figuring out how to afford health insurance. We know our expected bills. We know Tony's income. Mine however, big old question mark.

Some may think that my prices are exorbitant, but the reality is that I'm running a business. A business with expenses and taxes! And it's not just simple cut and dried money in the bank. Wouldn't that be nice?

Now Tony, he has not encountered any of this burden . . . even when I try to lay it on him! He thinks that we have time to plan and that we'll adjust as needed. This of course is driving me batty, because how can we plan if we don't put something into motion now?

It's been a daily thought of mine, as my heart hurts so much to occupy this chair at work. Some days I literally feel like the only thing I've accomplished is to be away from my babies [who aren't quite babies] for 10 hours and be compensated for it.

I'm hoping you can pray for me through this time of uncertainty, two things:

1). That we will live a life of reliance on God.
That we will be rid of the self assurance and reliance and to be shaped so that we no longer lean on our own understanding.

2). That I can say this without choking on the words "I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content." Philipians 4:11
I want to be anxious for nothing, but give thanks in all things so that I can know the peace that passes all understanding.

Tony and I have been working so diligently towards this goal, so that I can be in the home and operate my business with my full attention . . . I only hope that it's also God's will for our family.

15 comments:

Nessa Bixler said...

Thinking of you. Having been there myself a few years ago, I know how hard it is. I made more than my husband, my insurance was better... how could I leave work? Prayer and patience. It will workout.

Kelly Bartlett said...

I with you the best. Just follow your heart and you'll make it work.

Rose said...

Hi, I am praying for you. Those are all really tough questions. I think the hardest part about owning your own business is the taxes and insurance. My husband works for a small business owner and we had to pay for a private policy for years which was a big financial burden. However, it can be done.

I have no good works of wisdom so...I'll just keep praying! :o)

Schmei said...

I'll keep you in my prayers, but I also just want to say: you can do it!

Molly said...

Leah, as a mom who would love to stay home but can't, just keep reaching for your goal. You and Tony have been the biggest inspiration to Naaman and I to follow the plan and reduce our debt.

I hope you and Tony can decide together what the best plan is. I hope you get your wish. You've worked so hard and so long. You deserve it.

p.s. I have an update on our dave ramsey progress on the blog tomorrow!

Megan said...

Girl, you know you're covered in prayers on my end.

To take a trip down memory lane: 2010 after Tyler had been laid off, I got fired, we had a toddler AND baby in the belly... no income and no medical insurance. God provided. It's cliche, I know... but we are living, breathing proof of His utmost provision.

Also? The day I was fired was my first day as a SAHM. I can, without hesitation, tell you that I would still be working at the bank if I wouldn't have been fired. There is *NO WAY* I would have ever been able to trust enough, to let go of that second income. But the Lord works in mysterious ways doesn't He? Pretty much forcing me to trust, as I was let go, but it has paid off... obviously, since I'm still living my dream of a SAHM.

It's scary and the uncertainty of so many things is overwhelming. I am praying for peace, comfort, and wisdom for you both.

I believe the Lord wants to give us the desires of our hearts, and I believe it will happen for your family soon.

Noe said...

Oh Dear! I feel yoU, since we have been debating this for quite sometime too. And I just can't see light at the end of the tunnel. It's such a big decision. And to us it means me moving back home.
and yes actually we only see each other on weekends, and yes it really sucks and after doing it for years it's turning to be depressing.
So... I feel your apprehension my dear and will for sure keep you in my prayers.
In the mean time lets keep our faith and believe that "There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens.... "Ec 3:1-8

Kristal said...

Writing these down and orating them specifically for you, friend.

I quit my job and Chad's income was flat out not enough for our expenses. From a worldly point of view, it was irresponsible, but we knew its what we were supposed to do. And no surprise, God provided a new job for Chad, complete with a move closer to our family and a home we love. He will provide, Leah!!

DianeTaylor said...

Leah, Kristal said it best. Leave it at Jesus's feet. He brought you to it - he will bring you THROUGH it. Now if I could only believe those words myself....so may things have surfaced these last 2 months about my son that I didn't know - unreal and heart breaking things. I wonder how I missed all these things.....was I working too hard to notice? I too must give my heavy feelings of guilt to God.

You are in my prayers as always.

Kristal said...

Orating?? Praying. Silly iPhone.

Meredith said...

Oh Leah. I totally understand. You and I are so similar in this way! We were a lot like Kristal and Chad--things never worked on paper, but we both knew without a DOUBT that God was calling me to stay home and for us to make that change. And it was terrifying. It still is!

Even after being home for almost three years, I still have verses from Philippians taped to our mirror and force myself to recite them almost daily. Justin? Doesn't stress about it at all.

My best advice for you is to remember that if this is something that God is calling you to do, his provision will be perfect, as will his timing. I'm not saying that it won't be hard, that it won't suck, or that you won't have to cut out even more than you imagined you could. You might...but if you do find yourself in those positions, God will use those situations too! Lean into Him friend. I'll be praying for you.

Sarah Louise said...

PRAYING for you guys! We are experiencing our own version of this right now. Jared and I are second guessing our decision to have him stay at home with the baby once I go back to work...with the hope that by the end of summer/after he graduates from school he will be able to find a better paying job that would allow my to cut back on my hours.

I also COMPLETELY understand your desire to start putting your plan into motion NOW and having a husband that says "don't worry- it will all work out." Then every time I think we are making progress, something big and/or expensive comes up. VERY frustrating!

I believe God will help you guys make the best decision for your family, and I pray that you being able to be at home with your kids and focus on photography will be apart of His plan!

Jennie said...

First time commenter here. Just remember that just because it doesn't make sense on paper, doesn't mean that it doesn't make sense to God.

I really wanted to stay at home with my son, and was nervous about losing my income because I knew we would no longer be "comfortable" and would most likely be living month-to-month. However, I went ahead a quit my job (I truly believed it was His will) and God blessed us by giving my husband a raise a month after I quit.

God will bless your family if you put your trust in Him to provide... even if it doesn't make sense on paper.

Julia said...

It's bound to be scary, but oh so worth it. What great comments you've already gotten---I'm inspired FOR you, girl! Just take it a day at a time and find joy/contentment in the little moments.

Your comment on my post made me sad----don't ever feel like you can't 'love enough' just because you might not be physically present with your family at all times. I believe you can make the best of the situation, even if it's not 100% what you would like right now. You are one busy mama but you are obviously still an amazing mom to your boys, no matter where you are at any given time.

I'm blessed to be content with my work situation because I feel such balance and my heart hurts for you because you don't feel the same. I'll keep you in my prayers--it will work out!

emilyhansen said...

Leah- before I even finished reading the rest of your blog I thought, "I'm going to give her Phillipians 4:11-13 to hold on to". And then there it was. I too have this as a life verse right now. God has already blessed you and Tony along with all of your very wise financial decisions. It's hard in this moment but I know, 10 years from now when we have all that we need plus money to give away! that we'll be so glad we made this time count. Keep up the good work sister. (Oh- and Tony and Dan must be secretly talking because my man feels the same way!)

 

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