The Sad

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Yesterday I couldn't shake "the sad." I didn't start out in a sad mood. The sun was even shining! Several little things came up throughout the day though that just kept the spiral plunging.

- I work at a university and it's quarter launch, so we're hopping right now!

- Money talks between Tony and I made me realize that we're not quite as far along as I'd hoped and my hopeful quitting date isn't until somewhere around the end of 2014, when we'll have paid off the last of my student loans.

- Based on our plan for a spring-ish 2013 little one, that meant the realization that once again, I'll be giving up the first few years of my little ones life to the corporate world.

- I saw that a new client who's last words were "See you at 6 months!" went with another photographer who I am friends with . . . and then saw that a friend who scheduled a session is actively trying to schedule a different session with another photographer. This obviously made me feel like crap and question why I'm even considering pursuing photography full time. 

- And then, bam, like that a facebook pregnancy announcement, by a friend who's little one shares Ezra's exact birthday. I am nothing but happy for her, but that happiness is absolutely tinged with jealousy. I'm not even sure why, because this is way before our hopeful timeline, and yet, there those feelings are.

You add all of the above components together and you end up with "the sad."

And I couldn't shake it, although singing/shouting praise and worship songs on the way home helped. My plan was to run 4.5 miles when I got home and I was pretty much going all in with my chips that it had to help my mood. The temps were just around 40* and I was a little scared of the wind, but once I got going I knew the endorphins were going to whip me right up into a good mood.

I'm so thankful, it was a fantastic run! I even ended up running a little too far and ended up at 5 miles, with a 9:19/mile pace.

I'm still wrestling with the issues above, but last night, my run, Tony, a good meal and my boys gave me a happy evening.
Can't shake the sad today, so I'm going to get a dose of cold endorphins. #10 #aprilphotoadayPlus this kid . . .Plus peekaboo = Baby cuddles.
 

21 comments:

Immortal Beloved said...

I completely understand where you are coming from. Hang in there Leah, God will provide us with the strength and patience we need.

kari said...

Nothing to add other than I'm feeling ya. :)

Court said...

Glad the run and family time helped your sadness. Chin up girl. You are an amazing photographer. So many others look up to you (*waving hand*). Don't let 2 clients get to you like that. You SHOULD pursue photography full time and don't let anyone tell you or make you feel differently.

Kristal said...

I just want to say I love you Leah!!

I know that the end of 2014 seems so far away but I think it's really encouraging that you have a date set at all! God will honor your hard work in this area.

And I still get a twinge of jealousy at pregnancy announcements, especially if said baby will be really close in age with its sibling. I hate that.

Mo said...

I am a regular reader, but rarely post. Anyway- keep on keepin' on! You are an amazing photographer!! You have amazing skill, and keep positive about your ability to build your own photography business. Even though your business might not be where you want it, just keep your eyes fixed to the future. HA!...The funny thing about your jealousy about your friend's FB pregnancy post... as soon as a read that you hope for a Spring 2013 little one, I immediate got a little "miffed" too! This is simply because I initially found your blog on TheBump July 2011 boards, and we were pregnant at the same time. I actually thought... NOO she can't get pregnant yet, I'M not ready right now! LOL

Noe said...

I hear you, in every word, Yesterday it hit me once again... and I cried.. why? I work/live 3 hours from where my whole family lives, better half included...
I Love my job position and the kind of work I do, but HATE my actual job situation, no need to go further on this one. I have seen a handful of pregnancy announcements going on the blogesphere *last week* and when I thought I was finally going to join... after a 6 day late p....
it is not my time to hop in the wagon, just yet, needless to say this had me crying over the whole weekend... so.. I hear yah... I feel your pain... I wish I could at least run. You are a wonderful photographer Leah! don't ever doubt it!

Andrea said...

Listen to me. You are an AMAZING photographer and your progress throughout the years has blown me away. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT give up.

I've had clients come and go and cheerfully post their baby's pictures online from the photographer "who came after me". Does it hurt? Heck yeah. Do I care? Absolutely. But then I step back and look at my clients who do cherish and value what I do and they make it all worth it.

Meredith said...

Ditto everything Andrea said. You are an amazing photographer, friend. I think photo clients come and go for 100 different reasons--sometimes its a price thing. Sometimes its a stylistic thing. Sometimes its a friend who raves about their favorite photographer, and they love the session their friend received, and get caught up wanting to try that person too.

It totally sucks. But if you really think about it, none of those things negate (or are even reflective of) YOUR ability as a photographer.

Meredith said...

Good lord, I just used the wrong "its" three times, didn't I?! I'm tired, lol.

Jen said...

I'm there with you. I've got the baby bug. I know two people who had babies in the last two days, and my two friends who had babies when I last did are both pregnant (one with twins!) and my BIL/SIL are trying. I know the timing is not right, but everything seems stacked against right now.
And I'm trying to decide whether or not to go back to school next year. It's a lot of money and I'm afraid I won't like it and I won't get to spend my days with my boys.

Maria said...

Honestly you are a great photographer and even better the best mom those two boys could ever ask for! You deserve the best! Those two ladies... just don't know what good photography is. And it's their loss! Just remember that you have a very loving family, a gracious God that always knows the plan for your life and tons of loving friends that want the best for you and your family! Believe me, I have been there but it's all in timing! Keep your head up!
Love you~!

Megan said...

You are a fantastic photographer... Wife. Mom. Friend. Daughter.

You blow me away constantly and inspire me in more ways than I can say!

We all have those days. I am so glad your run and time with your sweet boys helped!

<3

Helen Joy said...

Uggg. That really sucks. I seriously cry every single time I see someone use someone other than me. And I totally get you on the baby thing. We've been sort of trying for number 3 for 5 months and I seriously can't shake "the sad" I get day after day of seeing pregnancy and birth announcements....Even though I still have a precious baby I'm enjoying now and even though I know a little more time wont hurt;-)
As for the job thing, I 100% think you should go full time photography. 100%. You're amazing.

Julia said...

Boo to the sad days:( I'm sorry you were feeling down but at least the run helped? I'm sort of jealous that you get to run it out for stress relief...I miss that. So lots of 'jealous twinges' going on in blog land, I suppose. I know that when the baby bug bites, it's hard to shake and its really awful to feel jealous of other's announcements. Been there, done that for a lot of last year.

Hang in there and try to stay focused on YOUR family plan and goals, not other people's. Every family is different and it's not a competition (that is what I'd tell myself repeatedly when I'd be upset over being 'so far behind' everyone else with babies.)

Adrienne said...

Aww! I'm so sorry for your sad, I understand, not specifically, but the feelings I get.

However, I'm so happy a run and some worship helped! Praise Jesus!

Endorphins are the best :)

jen @ homeinthecountry said...

1. You are a FAB photog!!! Trust.

2. Yes yes yes on the baby jealousy. Not that I'm ready for another of my own... Or am I? :)

Hope you shake the sad soon! Yay for running to lift your spirits!

Elena said...

I think we all experience 'the sad' sometimes. It's actually healthy! Running must have blown off some steam. I wish I could run, but I'm so NOT a runner.

Megalamode said...

I'm sorry, girl :(

DianeTaylor said...

Love you, Leah - I am so sorry things got you down :( I understand completely. Lately my worst time is the early morning, when I want to just hide under my covers. I too find that if I make myself exercise, it does help a little. I haven't missed one single day of work since I returned on 3/20 - that has to count for something, right?

Take care, sweetie


Diane

Betsey said...

I'm a stranger to you, but a regular follower. I can't recall how I stumbled across your blog (likely through another great blogger), but I stayed for three reasons: 1. Your beautiful photography, 2. Your healthy perspective on marriage and family life, and 3. Your faith (also honest). I can only imagine the feeling of finding out that folks who booked with you are searching for other photographers, but I think they are the ones missing out! You seem like you would be a wonderful photographer to work with!

Julie S. said...

I am sorry :( That really sucks about the photography part, but if it counts for anything, I really, REALLY look up to you! Don't get discouraged. :-) YOU are amazingly talented!! And you definitely have what it takes to do this full time.

 

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