Missing Him

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

I miss him, Ezra.
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Last night between groceries, dinner, a Target trip, dishes, laundry and running I only spent time with him for an hour, tops. What plagues me is that this isn't even my busy season. This is just living life.

Some nights, all I want is to be able to lay him down and have him sleep through the night, the majority though, I wouldn't trade having him sleep by my side for anything. Our nights of sweet slumber in such proximity are numbered, even if for another year, they're numbered

And I know this, because . . . 

I miss him, Isaac.
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With the constant barrage of words leaving his mouth, outside demands permeating his mind and never ending onslaught of images challenging how he views himself and others, the worries I felt as he was just beginning to explore the world have only intensified. Nightly, I wonder whether we are successfully raising a compassionate, intelligent and loving boy.

Some nights, all I want is to be able to scoop him up in my arms, cradle him like a baby and know that he's going to reciprocate the feelings of the sweet moment. I tasked myself very early with enjoying this young age for all of the joy, forgetting the frustration, and yet, it still feels to have too quickly escaped me.

But most of all . . .


I miss him, Tony.
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The leisurely way that we used to be able to sleep, yes, sleep in our bed. Slowly, we'd relinquish our grogginess to the warming sun. My head fit perfectly in the crook of your shoulder. My cheek knew it's place on your chest. Our bodies would tangle, my arm curved around your back, your hand on my waist, with your other arm supporting your head, as we just lay next to each other.

Some nights, I try to remember what it was like, just you and me. The memories are never what I expect. They are hollow. The life we've been able to enjoy, husband and wife, doesn't compare to the one we're experiencing as Mama and Daddy.

And someday, I'll miss our babies, even more than I thought possible, God willing, because they will be in their own homes, raising their own families, loving their spouses.

And then, it will again be you and me, our lives filled with so much love and [bitter]sweet memories.

So I will miss you now, in some aspects, for the promise of tomorrow.
tony 

19 comments:

Kelly Bartlett said...

Made me cry...

Bethany said...

beautiful post leah!

Julia said...

this post makes me sad. Just enjoy those moments you DO have with your men, mama. You have three pretty cute ones to enjoy!

Leah said...

Aw, don't be sad Julia! It wasn't meant to be sad. I guess, yes, a little melancholy, but more just aware of this time in our life.

I'm very much enjoying it, it just seems to be passing too quickly/slowly at the same time. :)

Jen said...

"So I will miss you now, in some aspects, for the promise of tomorrow." I absolutely love this line. I have been missing my hubby too lately. With one baby sleeping between us and another on the way, our cuddle time is pretty limited. You've reminded me to enjoy my cuddle time with the baby between us for now because it won't be like that forever.

Molly said...

I do feel like this sometimes. I get run down in the day-to-day. The "gotta get this done" stuff. Just today I felt bad because Brigham was asking to be picked up and it was only after I got in my car after dropping them at daycare that I realized I completely ignored him. I mean, I could have taken 1 minute to sit down with him and hold him on my lap. Ugh, sometimes I really hate how rushed life is.

If it were up to me, we would live on a farm on some acreage and just explore and hug and kiss and discover each other every day.

LC said...

damn, Leah. word. I'm missing my husband too and our "old" relationship. Of course, we wouldn't trade our new roles for anything in the world BUT it is definitely different. And I totally get how you feel. I am so excited for what is around the corner, but I'm already missing what has past. It really makes me stare at him and enjoy every single second. (But still not the wakeups at 4 am.)

Linnea said...

Beautiful, Leah! Thank you for sharing a little bit about the strength of your love for your husband and kids. What a wonderful blessing!

Megalamode said...

Beautiful post, Leah!

Megan said...

And now, I'm a mess! Tears.

Maybe it's my upcoming trip tomorrow making me extra emotional, but this is absolutely something I can feel and relate to.

Andrea said...

Without going into too much detail, Jim and I have hit a rough patch lately and have said "whoa...we NEED to focus on our marriage more." I miss him too but we're getting there ;)

Jenny T said...

whoa...you've put into words exactly what I've been feeling lately about my kids and husband. Thank you. Beautiful...made me tear up about the 'when they grow up and raise families'..

Katie said...

Gosh Leah, what a beautiful post. You made me tear up with the Tony part, though. I know it all too well. :)

Erin said...

Beautiful, Leah. Captures totally how I feel sometimes.

Nessa Bixler said...

Beautiful - love your words.

somedays when I lay down I at night I marvel at the me I am am and our life that is all filled in. Each season takes us to new places.

ashavenue said...

Very melancholy post, Leah. But beautifully spoken. I think that as awesome of a photographer you are, you are even more so a talented writer. You have a way with words, my friend. I've read it several times in the comments, and thought it several times myself, that you put my exact thoughts on paper. You organize thoughts and put them on paper very eloquently. I'd so read a book you wrote. Just sayin'!

Erin said...

Of course it's taken me a few days to get to the computer to actually comment, but I had to come here and say that I can definitely relate, especially to missing my husband. This is so dumb and totally obviously not true, but it seems like every single time I even try to hold Ben in bed, Luke wakes up like 30 seconds later. So, silly superstitious me is now scared to even hold my own husband in bed! I know we will have lots of time for that later, but I still miss it now.

Julie S. said...

So beautiful. Made me cry!

Lily said...

beautiful post! I love these pictures!

cribs

 

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