I miss him, Ezra.
Last night between groceries, dinner, a Target trip, dishes, laundry and running I only spent time with him for an hour, tops. What plagues me is that this isn't even my busy season. This is just living life.
Some nights, all I want is to be able to lay him down and have him sleep through the night, the majority though, I wouldn't trade having him sleep by my side for anything. Our nights of sweet slumber in such proximity are numbered, even if for another year, they're numbered
And I know this, because . . .
I miss him, Isaac.
With the constant barrage of words leaving his mouth, outside demands permeating his mind and never ending onslaught of images challenging how he views himself and others, the worries I felt as he was just beginning to explore the world have only intensified. Nightly, I wonder whether we are successfully raising a compassionate, intelligent and loving boy.
Some nights, all I want is to be able to scoop him up in my arms, cradle him like a baby and know that he's going to reciprocate the feelings of the sweet moment. I tasked myself very early with enjoying this young age for all of the joy, forgetting the frustration, and yet, it still feels to have too quickly escaped me.
But most of all . . .
I miss him, Tony.
The leisurely way that we used to be able to sleep, yes, sleep in our bed. Slowly, we'd relinquish our grogginess to the warming sun. My head fit perfectly in the crook of your shoulder. My cheek knew it's place on your chest. Our bodies would tangle, my arm curved around your back, your hand on my waist, with your other arm supporting your head, as we just lay next to each other.
Some nights, I try to remember what it was like, just you and me. The memories are never what I expect. They are hollow. The life we've been able to enjoy, husband and wife, doesn't compare to the one we're experiencing as Mama and Daddy.
And someday, I'll miss our babies, even more than I thought possible, God willing, because they will be in their own homes, raising their own families, loving their spouses.
And then, it will again be you and me, our lives filled with so much love and [bitter]sweet memories.
So I will miss you now, in some aspects, for the promise of tomorrow.