On Confusing Loss

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

It's pretty crazy the profound impact my shortest pregnancy had on me. While I could imagine holding a newborn last year and was wistful for what could have been, it's an even stranger flux this year.

Now that the concept of my 2nd son has only further been solidified in knowing Ezra, the idea of having another child who is not known to me is very odd.

The hurt and pain in wishing to have had Josiah to celebrate a one year birthday today on his estimated due date is juxtaposed greatly with the knowledge that I wouldn't have my sweet Ezra.

It's a very confusing spot to be.

God, as always, has the perfect plan.

And our family will be made complete in heaven.


Kelly Bartlett said...

As a friend recently told me, "God makes no mistakes."

That won't help you heal, but it's a thought to hold on to.

Sorry you are grieving, Leah.

Julia Goolia said...

Hugs, lady. Very confusing and still sad, indeed. Hug that Ezra a little tighter tonight.

Lori said...

So confusing, I think the same things- if we had not lost our first pregnancy, we would not be expecting Emersyn. And though I KNOW I didn't have a choice, it sometimes feels like loving Emersyn means loving our first child a little less- not true, but that's where my crazy mind goes.

Sorry you and I and anyone else ever has to deal with these feelings. Hugs.

Unknown said...

I also feel the confusion of comparing and contrasting my pregnancies, knowing with one I wouldn't have another. <3 to you and Ezra, Isaac and Josiah too.

Megan said...

Hugs. <3

L.C.C. said...

Well, from the point of view of the second born after a miscarriage, I'm thankful God has a plan. I wouldn't have been born if my mum hadn't miscarried and so our family too (my brother or sister) will also be complete in heaven.

Thinking of you.

DianeTaylor said...

Well said, Leah - I may be the mother of one son here on earth, but in heaven, I have 3 more babies that I never got the chance to meet. I look forward to the day that we are reunited! Tomorrow I turn 53 so I hope that God's plan lets me spend alot more time on earth before I see heaven's gate.

Hugs to you,


Chris | Team Sea-Squared said...

Hugs Leah. I have one up in Heaven with Josiah. You put it perfectly when you said "our family will be made complete in heaven." So true. Thinking of you today.

Meredith said...

I'm sorry Leah...I imagine that even in knowing that you wouldn't have Ezra if you'd had Josiah...it doesn't really make the loss of Josiah that much easier. Thinking of you all this week!

Wish I Might said...

Thinking of you... I too know that loss. You are in my prayers.

Justine said...

We had a miscarriage about six months before we got pregnant with Theodore, and I constantly struggle with the same thing. How do you love two children at once, when one couldn't exist if the other had lived... It's a really hard thing. I try to find comfort in knowing that I'll see my baby (all my babies!) together in Heaven some day.


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