What is there to say?

Monday, September 12, 2011

I had to put down my six year old kitty, take my children to their 2 month and 2 year appointments with shots and today I'm starting my last week of maternity leave.

It hasn't been a kind few days.

Up ahead, I have a full week of photo business, with meetings back to back and Friday, Saturday weddings. I'm blessed to say this though and that the next 1 1/2 months are insanely full of sessions.

So I rest in these three and squeeze every amount of joy possible out of their smiles.



Today is just hard.

I keep thinking of all of the reasons why and sometimes they seem to be insurmountable and other times, I just want to tell myself to suck it up.

Today's a bad photo day. A day where I feel like I'm completely kidding myself that I'm ever cut out to do this full time, let alone on the side as I am now. I know I just need a session that comes out effortlessly and I'll be back in the game mentally, but right now I'm struggling. It hurts to see repeat clients go elsewhere, especially today when I already feel beaten down.

It hurts to edit the photos that I'm even questioning, because my lap is empty. Callie isn't here. I won't receive any kisses from her on my upper lip any more. My ears however, they are not empty. Lucy has been telling us ever since we came home without Callie how displeased she is and I really understand. We went from 3 cats and a dog to one cat and a dog in just 3 years.

My heart also hurts because combining the first pain with the fact that I'm now beginning my last week of maternity leave and I left with a feeling of hopelessness.

I know it's not true.

I know God's promises for our family.

I know I have the remainder of the week to enjoy.

But this is just how I'm feeling right now. 


Jill said...

Look how strong he's getting, holding his head up so straight! I love it! What a handsome little boy! And Isaac, love his little toddler ways. He's growing up!

I understand your wave of emotions. Totally stinks.

Jen said...

My cousin is your Saturday wedding. :) Ezra is getting so big!

Jeannie said...
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Unknown said...

Aw Leah, my heart is with you! The Gabby Monster is 6 years old as well and I can't even imagine. Hugs for a better week. Find strength in the beautiful men who surround you. =)

Jeannie said...

Sending you extra hugs today Leah! Enjoy this time with your beautiful boys.

Bree said...

Really sorry about Callie. Enjoy your last week with the boys. Their smiles look as though they would heal any heart :)

Schmei said...

I'm so sorry about Callie... these things only ever happen in the middle of a million other things, it seems. I hope those boys are giving you extra snuggles this week!

Molly said...

Triple whammy :(

But I do love those eyes. Beautiful beautiful beautiful :)

Leslie G said...

I love Issac's pictures- they remind me of the ones I take of Cameron- cuts, bruises, dirt... =)
For the record, I think you'd be cut out to take pictures full time. Cut yourself some slack because you are awesome and I'd hire you in a nanosecond if we lived near each other.

Megan said...

Praying for perseverance and strength for you friend!

DianeTaylor said...

Oh Leah - I guess my prayers were answered in a different way about Callie :( Don't doubt yourself - you are a WONDERFUL photographer, blessed with the gift of creating forever memories for yourself and others. It is always hard when multiple things hit at once. I was just asking someone about this yesterday, referring to the recent natural disasters that have plagued Maryland recently (earthquakes, then hurricance Irene, then 8 days of non-stop rain and massive flooding). This too shall pass.

And I just want to pinch Ezra's cheeks, he is beyond cute. Isaac is SUCH A LITTLE MAN now - wow!

Take care and I hope you enjoy this week with your little ones.

xo - dt

Erin said...

I'm thinking of you today, Leah, and sending a hug your way.

kyna... said...

Ah hon...I know that feeling...just the feeling of having a rough day. I'm so sorry to hear about your cats. I lost both my cats last year, and I know how hard that is. I feel so much of your pain!
{big hugs}
♥ Kyna

Meredith said...

It totally sucks to see clients go elsewhere...but remember that it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with YOU, or whether or not they liked your photos. It may be a money thing. It may be that they want some photos in a different style this time. It may be that their sister-in-law is starting a photography business.

Bottom line? You have an eye for photography, and you are going to do this full-time some day and stay home with your boys. Any thought to the contrary isn't from God, period.

But seriously, I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug.

Julie S. said...

You are one of the most talented photographers I know, and I mean that. Hang in there- you WILL get to do it full time. I just know it. Hugs.

Helen Joy said...

I have done photography professionally for 4 years now and I still get SO sensitive with that sort of stuff. A girl I did her wedding, bridal, and engagement went elsewhere for her maternity and newborn and I cried for a day! And I get sooo sad if someone doesn't immediately tell me how much they love their photos and then I start doubting. But, my dear, you ROCK at photograpy! Seriously. I don't say that to many people but I love everything you do. I can't wait to read the blog post that says you can do it full time!

Unknown said...

My heart breaks for you. SO sorry. Praying for some peace and comfort for you and your family.


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