One Year

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Last year, at this time, I was teeter-tottering between dread and hope, ultimately falling into resignation as I waited for an ultrasound to confirm my worst fear.

At 9 weeks pregnant, my second child had no heartbeat.

The little one had stopped progressing at 6w5d.

I was miscarrying, the contractions evident through the ultrasound of my uterus.

The next few days were some of the darkest I've faced, especially because I felt completely alone.

There was hurt that even my most caring and well meaning friends couldn't help resolve.

Not even Tony.

Your heart and mind embrace lies as truths, as your body begins a process you want no part of.

A year ago we found out we lost Josiah and our lives haven't been the same since.

A year ago, I couldn't imagine what our lives would look like today.

In my wildest dreams, I couldn't imagine how much my heart could heal by holding Ezra.
EzraNewborn0269

Josiah has not been replaced, he never could be, nor is he forgotten, but Ezra is a salve to my heart.

Who knew we'd be here, just a year later?
EzraNewborn0423

Josiah, you are incredibly missed. Thank you for the short time you graced us with your presence. Our family was forever changed in knowing you.

20 comments:

Bethany said...

Oh Leah, I just adore this post so much and love to see when things come around full circle. Much love to you and your beautiful family!

BriannEm said...

I'm on my way to a similar ending I hope. Miscarrying at 9 weeks last October was the hardest thing I've done so far in my life. I've just entered the second trimester of this pregnancy and I'm just barely starting to hope. Thank you for sharing your story.

Mrs. Lukie said...

What a beautifully written post :)

AJ said...

2 little boys and one who is waiting for you. Even among the hurt and pain, how blessed you are :)

Jen said...

You really described it perfectly. I miscarried my 2nd child right around 11 weeks...it stopped progressing around 6 weeks as well. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and I felt so alone. No one understood or still understands. I still struggle with it sometimes today, as we have not become pregnant again yet. I am so happy for you and your beautiful little family. I know when I finally have another baby I will feel whole again, but still changed forever.

Maria said...

Miss Leah-
This is post was perfectly written! Tears are strolling down my face and I am so incredibly happy for you and the blessing God has given to you! In all due timing we see His plan for our lives.
Love you! What a beautiful family you have.

-Maria

Erin said...

This is beautiful, Leah, and I think experiences like yours (ours) give people such hope in their dark times.

On the one year anniversary of my miscarriage, I was holding my beautiful two-week-old baby boy. So much can happen in one year, and it's not that much time in the whole scheme of life.

I'm so happy for you that you have Ezra now. :)

Lucky Girl said...

Such a beautiful family photo Leah! I'm thinking of you and your family today.

Sarah said...

Beautiful post. You are in my thoughts today.

Erin said...

Such a beautiful post, Leah. Thank you for still talking about something that you will never forget.

Meredith said...

You've got me tearing up over here Leah. This is so, so beautiful.

SushiMama said...

I'm crying, because this is beautiful, and just what I needed to hear. I miscarried less than a month ago and I'm so scared about what comes next. I think I knew in my head all of the things you wrote here, but I needed someone else to say them for it to be true. Thank you.

Julia said...

Please God, let this be a post I can write next year.

And hugs to you, mama. I know that the pain never really goes away but boy---that little Ezra sure helps, huh? :)

Jeannie said...

What a beautiful post Leah. It brought tears to my eyes...

Your family photo is simply beautiful!

Jenifer said...

You know I needed this; and I thank you for always putting into words what Im thinking and feeling within my heart.

Andrea said...

Beautifully written Leah. God is good! One day your entire family will reunite in heaven with little Josiah and the happiness won't compare.

Mrs. Southern said...

Beautiful post. Beautiful family.

Molly said...

Hard day. But good day too with Ezra and Isaac in your arms.

It's amazing how life can take you down so far and then up again. Some of us have steeper hills and lower valleys. But if our hearts are still with faith we can overcome.

L.C.C. said...

Amazing. Beautiful family photo. So much hope in your family.

Rachel L said...

Beautiful post. I have had two miscarriages in the past year (no children...yet?) and am always comforted when I read that I am not along in the struggle. You are very blessed and I'm wishing you and your family the best!

 

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