The picture and video that I posted last week are wounds that I continue to pick at. The picture gets me every time because I can just see my happiness and it kills me to know that there are no more progressive pictures. The belly picture was supposed to be the beginning. This time would I get stretch marks? Would I be able to discern a difference in how I carried or would it be similar to Isaac? Instead the picture was also the end. I'm so glad that I have it though. It will never be confused with a picture from Baby Bless' development.
The video though . . . oh does that video of sharing with Tony rip me to shreds. I can't help but watch it though. It's like watching a movie, er, I mean it is a movie, but one where you know the accident is just around the bend and you want to tell the joyous couple to slow down a bit, enjoy those last few seconds of naivety. Again, just like the picture, I can't bear the thought of not having it though. We will never again be able to celebrate with such abandonment. Every subsequent pregnancy will be tinged just a bit with the flavor of loss. We will not be able to go back in time and erase these emotions that we are experiencing, so I'm forever grateful that I can at least view us as we were.
Something that I never expected from my first and only picture was hope. I received this comment from EK, a bloggerless commenter who I am forever indebted to for her strong step of faith. She wrote:
I've never commented before, but I wanted to let you know that I've lifted you up in my prayers.
As I came back to your post today, I took a better look at the pictures you put on. Maybe it is just the way it looks on my screen, but I see a distinct cross on your belly photo of Josiah.
The calm that came over me when I saw that spoke volumes. I can just picture Josiah in heaven walking hand in hand with our Father. I hope you find comfort in your earthly friends and heavenly father as you go through the grieving process.
I'll let you take a look for yourself.
Do you see it? I do. Obvious as day.
I received the comment just as we were clearing our plates from dinner and didn't know what to expect when I went to review the picture, calling out to Tony, "I just got a comment that there's a cross on my stomach." He came over to the computer just as I pulled the picture up and we both were brought instantly to tears. It doesn't matter that we realize how the cross was produced [the privacy film on the bathroom window we decoratively installed ourselves, debating on simplicity or complexity of the design], because the odds of my taking the picture in the bathroom, as opposed to Tony taking the picture as we did with Isaac, at that time, at that angle, facing the window, on a sunny morning, when we'd been rain-filled? They are overwhelmingly against us. God knew though. He provided us this source of reassurance, in someways a personal rainbow, guaranteeing His guidance in our life. God had marked Josiah as His own from the very beginning. He was truly too special for earth, although we long to join with him in Heaven.
EK, whoever you are and I apologize if I should know, we are truly thankful for your acting on this prompting to share. This touched us profoundly.