I saw an old high school friend yesterday while we were at Acapulco. Through facebook I'd learned of her pregnancy very close to the time that we lost Josiah. Somehow I'd forgotten that she was due in February, just as we were.
As a 2nd time Mom, she looked very similar to what I envision I would have. Big 'ol ball of belly, showing just a bit more than how she did in comparison to the same time with her daughter. It took me aback a bit. I am absolutely thrilled for her, but it just really drug me back down to a few dark places I had been happy to avoid.
This week, I would be 30w with Josiah. It seems crazy to imagine doesn't it? That child who I'll never be able to hold in my earthly arms, still would be growing like crazy in my womb, God willing. We'd just be newly venturing into the 3rd trimester. I can't imagine my thoughts. We'd be looking at just 2 months to go!
Somedays I long for that dream. That I could be lugging around a similar 30w belly, or more realistically probably in line with a 34w belly due to muscle memory. I would be complaining about leg cramps, my constant need for water and broken sleep. Oh, if only.
I was a terrible wife and sprang a question on Tony that he wasn't prepared for; his answer hurt a lot. He couldn't remember when we were due. Not the date, not the month. His guesses were worse. It really established just how different men and women can be. I'm not upset about it anymore, it was just really eye opening because I know how hard he took the loss.
We'll make it. I know we will. And I'm just trying to remind myself to look forward to the joy my February mama friends will be experiencing in just two short months.