Opposite of Easy

Monday, December 13, 2010

I saw an old high school friend yesterday while we were at Acapulco. Through facebook I'd learned of her pregnancy very close to the time that we lost Josiah. Somehow I'd forgotten that she was due in February, just as we were.

As a 2nd time Mom, she looked very similar to what I envision I would have. Big 'ol ball of belly, showing just a bit more than how she did in comparison to the same time with her daughter. It took me aback a bit. I am absolutely thrilled for her, but it just really drug me back down to a few dark places I had been happy to avoid.

This week, I would be 30w with Josiah. It seems crazy to imagine doesn't it? That child who I'll never be able to hold in my earthly arms, still would be growing like crazy in my womb, God willing. We'd just be newly venturing into the 3rd trimester. I can't imagine my thoughts. We'd be looking at just 2 months to go!

Somedays I long for that dream. That I could be lugging around a similar 30w belly, or more realistically probably in line with a 34w belly due to muscle memory. I would be complaining about leg cramps, my constant need for water and broken sleep. Oh, if only.

I was a terrible wife and sprang a question on Tony that he wasn't prepared for; his answer hurt a lot. He couldn't remember when we were due. Not the date, not the month. His guesses were worse. It really established just how different men and women can be. I'm not upset about it anymore, it was just really eye opening because I know how hard he took the loss.

We'll make it. I know we will. And I'm just trying to remind myself to look forward to the joy my February mama friends will be experiencing in just two short months.

16 comments:

Jenifer said...

I'm with you in this. Keep your head up mommy.

Molly said...

That has got to be hard. Really really tough. I'm sorry, Leah.

And just to let you know how bad guys are at dates . . .

My son was born on 08-08-08 and my husband STILL signed up to work on that day this year. I thought, just maybe, with an easy-to-remember birthday he might remember. But nope, not even his own son's birthday. Men.

Megan said...

My own husband could not remember our wedding anniversary the other day. Seriously, could not remember.

Big hugs to you my friend. I am {still} so sorry.

Bekah said...

Im praying for you Leah.

Mrs.LifeAccounts said...

it's so tough, try as we might, we can't seem to get pregnant, not even a little bit... Supposedly there's nothing wrong but it seems a very small consolation when every month its the same answer. Lately, I've found myself avoiding blogs, even my own, as I get hit with announcements multiple times a week. It's bittersweet news, I'm over the moon happy for them, but each time it's a reminder of what we long for and don't seem to be allowed to have...

abby said...

I'm sorry - lots of hugs to you dear!

jen @ homeinthecountry said...

Hang in there. I know exactly how you feel (unfortunately). My SIL announced her pregnancy 1 month after we lost ours... which means that I had 9 months to watch her and think "why isn't that me?" And then when the baby was born? I lost it. Of course we're happy for them. But the reminder of what we were missing was so so so hard and takes time to heal.

Things will get better someday... right? :)

Julie S. said...

Oh Leah, I can't imagine what that must feel like. Please know of my prayers for you guys.

Meredith said...

I have no words that will make any of it better or easier, so just know that I'm sorry.

Julia said...

:( :(

I'm sorry Leah. Hang in there.

Kristal said...

You've been heavy on my mind in recent weeks, Leah. Knowing the holidays were here and that you should be heavily pregnant, I've prayed for you many times. I'm so sorry. :(

Sarah said...

I hated those moments when I would suddenly be reminded of what would have been. They really sting down to the bottom of your heart. I know all too well what you are feeling. Praying for some inner peace for you.

Lindsay said...

Lots of (((HUGS))) being sent your way! That was one of the hardest things for me too was when I saw friends of mine (or even acquaintances) that were due around the same time I SHOULD have been :( Hang in there!

Bethany said...

Prayers and hugs x 1000.

Marie said...

I am sorry to hear.

I am sensitive to dates too. As the internal pages of my perpetual calendar turn, memories are stirred, both good and bad.

Katie said...

Oh Leah, I'm so sorry. :( Men definitely grieve differently than women...at least in my experience. Hang in there! Tony seems to be a great guy!

 

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