My friend Randi posted just a bit ago about a situation in her life that I have felt on the verge of exploding from. Given her experience, I have to feel as though we are not alone.
Isaac for the last few weeks has been constantly jabbering about his Dram-ma or Jewey aka Grandma Julie. Whether it be in the car immediately leaving my Mom's house or at home, they appear to be his new favorite words. I'll usually just respond in kind repeating Mama over and over and over again, in attempt to drown out his request.
It's hurt a lot.
Last night though, it came at an unexpected time. Isaac was tired and climbed into my lap. Between trying to snuggle into a comfortable spot and deciding that he needed to flop over to play, he suddenly sat up, looked me in the eye and began his insistent "Dram-ma, Dram-ma, Jewey, Dram-ma."
It literally broke my heart and I told him so, as I fell into my habitual response: "Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama." Meeting every request for that person who is not me, who gets to do what I long for spending so much quality time with my son, with my plaintively mimicking voice. Oh Isaac, how it broke your Mama's heart.
Tony was quick to recognize the change in my voice and came over to quickly console and reassure me, repeatedly reminding me that Isaac loves me most and that I'll always be his Mama, as my hot sparse tears collected.
Someday's it's just so hard.