And then, Isaac broke my heart.

Friday, December 3, 2010

My friend Randi posted just a bit ago about a situation in her life that I have felt on the verge of exploding from. Given her experience, I have to feel as though we are not alone.

Isaac for the last few weeks has been constantly jabbering about his Dram-ma or Jewey aka Grandma Julie. Whether it be in the car immediately leaving my Mom's house or at home, they appear to be his new favorite words. I'll usually just respond in kind repeating Mama over and over and over again, in attempt to drown out his request.

It's hurt a lot.

Last night though, it came at an unexpected time. Isaac was tired and climbed into my lap. Between trying to snuggle into a comfortable spot and deciding that he needed to flop over to play, he suddenly sat up, looked me in the eye and began his insistent "Dram-ma, Dram-ma, Jewey, Dram-ma."

It literally broke my heart and I told him so, as I fell into my habitual response: "Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama." Meeting every request for that person who is not me, who gets to do what I long for spending so much quality time with my son, with my plaintively mimicking voice. Oh Isaac, how it broke your Mama's heart.

Tony was quick to recognize the change in my voice and came over to quickly console and reassure me, repeatedly reminding me that Isaac loves me most and that I'll always be his Mama, as my hot sparse tears collected.

Someday's it's just so hard.

14 comments:

melissa o said...

You are the best mom I know Leah. Seriously. You love that little boy with a love so fierce and clear. I bet the first person he wants when he falls or hurts himself is his mama and while I don't know the struggle you are facing, I am praying that soon you will be able to spend more and more time with him. Love you mucho grande.

Kristal said...

I'm sorry mama. :( I wish there was more I could say but I know words don't really help. :/

Randi said...

Well Leah! I feel your pain... I always try to think, we are soo lucky our kiddos have great people taking care of them. We are lucky we trust them and they love them so much. We arent able to stay home, so we just have to deal. Also, think of how awful we would feel if they cried everytime we took them to daycare because they hated it, and we knew we couldnt change it.

YOu are his mom and SUCH a great mom. :) I know you know that, but Isaac knows that too.

okay this is getting wordy!! :)

Meredith said...

:( That's so hard.

Molly said...

Leah, I just wanted to tell you that Landon did this too. My mom watched Landon his whole first year while I worked. And so when he finally learned the word he would ask her. In fact, I think he said "rah-ma" before he said mama! It KILLED me.

But . . . he definitely doesn't do that anymore. I honestly think it's more about that they're still too young to understand.

Even so, I know it hurts. But I think he'll stop doing that eventually.

Megan said...

So sorry, Mama. Know you are loved by him, no matter what words come out of his mouth. No one could ever take your place!

Bekah said...

oh I am so sorry. You know how you have said in the past that Tony is just better at expressing his love for you than you are at doing it for him...but that you have come to know that that doesn't mean you love him any less fiercely than he does? Well, I wonder that it isn't kind of the same for Isaac? Like...he wants to tell you about what he and Grandma did, because he knows you love him and want to listen. He doesn't really know how to say 'Momma, I love you so much and I am so happy you are mine' but he is maybe trying to share his little excitement with you?

Does that make any sense? I'm totally not trying to diminish the pain this has caused you, but maybe just give a different outlook on it? I hope it doesn't come across that I think you shouldn't feel this way...I totally understand this heartbreak.

Julia said...

being a working mom IS hard, Leah. Some days are harder than others...and that one has to have been one of the worst.

But I always play the 'it could be worse' game with myself when I get down. It could always be worse. You know that you are SO blessed to have your own mother watching Issac instead of a 'stranger'. Although it's not YOU at least it's an extension of you in some way, right? Don't take that for granted!!

Hang in there and snuggle that boy as much as possible. He knows you are his momma and his number one lady, no matter what comes out of his mouth. :)

Katie said...

So sorry!

Jaime said...

I feel your pain....my son does this still at 4 years old...breaks my heart sometimes. He wants his Neenah and Papa more...it seems. I tears at ya tho...

You know you are a great mama...it's great that grandma can watch him instead of a total stranger.
Hang in there.....

Alicea said...

:( Hugs. More than likely it's just because he's learned a new word. Kyle walked around all day saying "dada, dada, dad".

Julie S. said...

**Hugs**

Hang in there. You are such a good mama to Isaac, and he knows that and always will.

Dunc said...

Oh Leah, my heart hurts for you (as cheesy as that sounds....ha) - but Tony is right. Isaac knows you best and loves you most, and always will.

Michelle said...

Hi Leah! I stumbled across your blog through a series of clicks, and I just have to tell you that I can so relate to this post!

My 16 month old daughter spends two days a week with my mom, one with my mother-in-law and the other two days at daycare (with a woman who may as well be her grandma). Kate loves her grandmas fiercely, which is awesome! I'm so thankful that they are close and have such strong relationships with her. Those strong relationships were really hard on me over Christmas, though. When we were at my parents' house, Kate only wanted my mom. She cried, almost hysterically, whenever I or my husband tried to take her. Of course, my mom held her all day and night, but it made me feel really bad. I also felt guilty because I have a two month old niece that my mom wanted to hold, but couldn't because Kate wouldn't let grandma put her down. Thankfully, my brother and sister-in-law are very patient, understanding, kind people and didn't get upset about the lack of attention their sweet baby was getting.

Then, at my in-laws, Kate did the same thing with that grandma! Over three days of "Christmasing" with our families, I didn't get one good picture of me, Kate, and my husband. In all of the pics, Kate is crying and reaching out to one grandma or the other.

Sorry for being so wordy, but this has really been bothering me! Just be thankful that he has a grandma that he loves so much, and know that no one can ever take a mother's place in a child's heart.

 

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