Salve.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Last night's special dinner almost didn't happen.

I don't think I fully explained yesterday that in not wanting to a see a negative, it wasn't solely because I wanted to be pregnant. I could handle not being pregnant. Being honest to my toes here, I really truly was okay with not getting pregnant. I could handle my body functioning normally and the inevitable beginning of my cycle. There's just something about the slap to the face that the HPT provides with a negative result. Using a digital is honestly worse. That's why I made the pact with myself, with my body, with Tony to wait until the 23rd. The thing is, I didn't really ask God if my pact was kosher. I made the rules.

And to some extent, I think that's why I got the BFN. The one thing I didn't want to see. Because in my world, with my rules that I played by, I was supposed to get a BFP. I waited! How ironic that my post was titled "Not as Planned." Hah! I think in all reality that what I'm struggling with the most right now is relinquishing that I do not get to plan my life. I've felt so out of control since Isaac has been born, with so many things happening to us, that I've been trying to fight back. I have the bruise marks on my ego and soul to prove it.

I tried to keep fighting yesterday too.

I skipped fighting with God. When I spoke with Him, I was reserved and resigned, albeit just a bit hopeful. I spout my absolute faith in His plan for us and believe it, but sometimes it's only until I stop talking. That's when I try to pick up the fight again.

With myself.

With Tony.

We made 6:30 reservations at Nicollet Island Inn [gotta love Groupon! My Mom gifted us with a $50 Groupon + cash] and Tony assured me that he would make it on time. Somewhere between that phone call and two hours later . . . we were pinched for time. Our plans turned into a fight, as Tony asked if I could grab clothes for him at home and instead of him fighting traffic. He wanted to wait at his parents who were going to watch Isaac and I obviously needed to drive to them anyway.

The conversation went like this:

Tony: Leah, what's wrong?!
Me: Nothing, I'm fine. Whatever. So, I'll just meet you at your Mom's.
Tony: No, I'll just come home.
Me: What? Why?
Tony: [long sigh] It just doesn't even seem like you want to go.
Me: I don't want to go. I just don't even care if go tonight. [Thinking in my mind that it would be just one more FAIL on my bloglist, just as I predicted]
Tony: I think we should go.
Me: Fine.

At home though, I caught on to the planning issue. That my negative attitude was primarily fixated upon the upheaval of my plans. Growing up with an overprotective Mom, one of my favorite Bible verses is: So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today” (Matthew 6:25-34). As these fleeting thoughts went through my head, I was reminded of how trivial my worries truly are.

Internal monologue: You could die right now, as you pick up the clothes from the floor next to the bed. Dead. Now. Your heart could just stop beating. You just read an article about it happening. Or Tony. He could all ready be dead. Within 5 seconds of getting off of the phone. Car accident. Done. There's no point in worrying or being upset about your plans Leah.

I'd like to say that this dramatically lifted my mood, but when Gina called about 20 minutes later, I was still clinging to it pretty fierce. Apathy. Oh how I love to try it on for just a bit, it feels so comforting and I convince myself that I wear it well. My friends and family know better though and within 4 sentences Gina was calling me out. Again, I want to say that our conversation pulled me through, but as soon as I saw Tony I wanted him to have to deal with my sour attitude as I walked through the rain decked out in high heels, Isaac on my hip and a paper bag with clothes pre-ironed for Tony.

Tony wouldn't have it though. He was bound and determined that we would have a good night. Finally, with one look of him like this:
Date
I let go.

We had an amazing date and ate hands down one of the best meals of my life. My eyes roll back in my head when I try to describe. All I'm going to say is that who knew pureed parsnips would ever rocks my socks? Divine.

It was a salve to the wound I prepared the whole day. God is so good to us, providing us with love from all around in friends, family and casual acquaintance.

9 comments:

abby said...

I am so so happy to hear you had a good date! You guys sure clean up nice :)
I love how you show your whole thought process. Why do we want so badly for our husbands to feel our wrath, even though we know full well that it is trivial and sometimes not even their fault? I do this all the time and get mad at myself, yet it continues.
Also, did you see my parents last night? They went to Nicollet Island Inn :)

Bekah said...

Such a cute picture! Sometimes the conversations you post of you and Tony remind me so much of me and Matt it is creepy...in an 'oh, other people do that too?' way. haha

Im glad you went, Im glad it helped.

And on the BFN -- We are not planning to get pregnant now, but a few weeks ago I was late, I took a test, BFN, and I lost it. Its just hard to think of what COULD have been, instead of the plan God has your you right now.

Faith said...

I'm so glad things turned out well last night. Sometimes the men in our life know what we need even when we don't.

Meredith said...

First of all, I can only get Justin that dressed up once a year--for Christmas Eve dinner, lol!

Also, I'm thinking about you and praying for you friend. It doesn't matter if you know that God's timing is always perfect, it's still disappointing when things don't work out as we hoped they would.

Randi said...

glad you guys had a great time Leah. You two deserve it!

have a good wknd

Rebecca (Craving Simplicity) said...

I am so sorry about your negative test yesterday...but SO glad that yall had time together to reconnect. Praying for you!

ezza said...

Yay date night!! You two be looking good too :) now i want to try pureed parsnips!!

Melissa said...

Although we usually hate it in the moment, I am so thankful when our husbands will persevere through all the fight and attitude we give them and still stick to what they know we really need, even if we insist we don't want it! I'm glad Tony didn't listen to you when you said you didn't want to go to dinner, it's amazing what some delicious food can do to change your mood... even if just for a while!

Alicea said...

Glad you ended up having a good time. That is one of my favorite restaurants. Next time you should guys should try the horse-drawn carriage ride. Very romantic!

 

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