Not as Planned.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

So, remember how excited I was for the coming days when I posted on Tuesday?

- Wednesday night: Family session which may need to be rescheduled.
-------Fail, session rescheduled. Additionally, Tony was given tickets to the Wild preseason game, due to my session though he had asked a friend to join him, which left me sitting at home.

- Thursday morning: If no cycle, test for pregnancy.
-------Fail, big fat negative.

- Thursday night: Hopefully going to use our anniversary present from my Mom for dinner.
-------Fail, absolutely no desire to celebrate tonight.

I really hope that these go well . . .
- Friday night: Family session with our friends, who also happen to be Tony's cousins.
- Saturday morning: Wedding consult with potential bride and her mother.
- Sunday ALL DAY: Mini sessions, including two fabulous bloggers: Jeannie and Bethany.

I've been posting on the TTCAL (trying to conceive after a loss) board and announced my intentions to set a date to POAS (pee on a stick). I did not want to waste a HPT (home pregnancy test) nor see a negative, so I told both myself and Tony that I would not test until well after my cycle was due. Today was CD32, absolutely no symptoms of my cycle, so at 5:00am I woke up with one thought on my mind. I prayed as I laid in bed that God's will be done and that I read the outcome of the test with accepting heart. With that I quickly ran downstairs. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think I was pregnant, more than not.

When I told Tony my plan to test today, Sept 23, he asked that we look at the test together. He said that he loved my surprising him the last two times, but that this time, he'd rather we found out together. So I carefully flipped the test upside down and brought it upstairs to wait the three minutes.

We turned it together and I didn't even read the words clearly, but immediately saw that their were two. Not pregnant.

Bummer dude.

Tony quickly asked, "There's still a chance, right?" But no, given how late I am, I don't think there's a chance. It was a good digital test and I don't think we would be so lucky to have a false negative.

I don't really feel like celebrating tonight much at all now.

I know that it's not logical, but I think I was disillusioned by our history of going 2/2 on the first cycle out. I know it's in God's timing, as all things are. I just need some time to realize that it's not now for whatever reason.

I'm going to continue charting, but will not get over zealous about this. I can't. It's all ready taken up too many of my thoughts.


Kate said...

prayingthat you get your BFP sooner than later.

L.C.T. said...

Aw man, thinking of you.

Kristen said...

I had a false negative with Clear Blue Easy "not pregnant/pregnant" tests. I was one week late..first test read "not pregnant"... 4 days later I tested again and it read positive. Have faith. We will be praying for you!!

Jenifer said...

If you have a Dollar Store near by I would grab their pregnancy tests. Or you can get cheap ones off the internet. And then I don't feel bad wasting them. I just started charting last month we shall see. Good luck!

abby said...

I'm so sorry these last couple days have not been going as you'd hoped. You do have an exciting weekend coming up so I hope this is where things turn around. And I know you think there's no chance, but I'm still gonna pray anyway - can't hurt right? :)

Megan said...

Aw Leah, I am so sorry. I hope you guys are able to find a reason to celebrate regardless of the negative test this morning. We will continue to be praying!

Bekah said...

Im sorry. Im praying for you guys. God has a plan for you and your future children, its just so hard to wait sometimes.

Erin said...

The TTCAL board was a huge comfort for me, and now I'm on the Parenting after a Loss board with lots of the same girls. I hope you'll get pregnant next month!!

Jen | Our Life Accounts said...

aw Leah, I'm sorry to hear that. I've had moments where I could have sworn I was pregnant, the signs all seemed to be there and actually allowed myself to take a test (which I never do because it just seems like too much money-i might as well pee on a $10 bill!) and seeing that negative sign/not pregnant response was tougher for me I think than just having my cycle kick. :( Praying for you girl, every single day!

Anonymous said...

Leah, I'm sorry for all the disappointment, especially with testing. Prayers that you can have your positive soon!

Anonymous said...

I've been praying for you a lot lately! Just wanted to let you know that. ;)

Jill said...

Getting my cycle back and actually figuring out what my body was doing following my miscarriage was one of the hardest times to get through. All you wanted was it to be normal but all your body wanted to do was heal and those time frames didn't always match up like you would've wanted. Someday, it will click again and hopefully it will be another surprise!

Thinking about you guys...


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