Cuts to the Quick

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

This is the mischievous little boy that runs around my house, sometimes roaring, othertimes laughing, but always up to something:

See that twinkle in his eye? That's the look that scares me to death. The one that exhilarates me and startles me to the core that I am responsible for the well being and development of an actual child who breathes and lives older each day. To think that I only ponder these thoughts at this depth so long after his arrival.

Back when Tony and I were young and carefree, aka Before Baby Bless, we thought we were cautious. We thought we had an understanding and a concept of loss. My Mom wanted nothing more than to attend an ultrasound, but I knew that they were not a novelty. I understood that the baby's "pictures" could very easily tell us a very different outcome than that which we daydreamed about. I couldn't let my Mom come with, because if we were in that situation, the one that we have now survived, with the image of a lifeless baby. No quickening on the screen of a beating heart, I wanted to only share it with Tony.

Now that we have experienced such an ultrasound and I have been admitted into a group that I never wanted to gain membership, that of pregnancy loss, my eyes have truly been opened. My relationship with Jesus has evolved to included new dimensions and I have overwhelmingly been reminded of my small mindedness prior to our loss of Josiah.

I thought that I was circumspect. I thought I understood. Ever since Isaac was born I've had to examine his very existence, because if ever he were to not . . . But what really get's me going now, through the abundance of stories I've subjected myself to in the past almost two months, is how frivolous I really did take my pregnancy. I completely viewed it through rose tinted glasses. Even through the delivery, I took the situation too lightly. I mull over my awareness, wondering if I even took notice of Isaac's movements within me in those final hours. I realize now how I never even considered a less than perfect outcome. Blessed baby and life that we live.

Seeing my baby develop into such a little boy has also opened my eyes to his exuberant zest. The undeniable boyness that cloaks him and suggests he teeter just a bit closer and longer near danger. Of course he doesn't understand these ideas now, just the simple thrill and exhilaration of jumping and falling - not comprehending how very easily that thrill could result differently due to a misplaced foot or sharp edge of a toy.

What a remarkable opportunity to raise and protect my amazing child. With God's help we will. That much has also been abundantly made clear these past two years, God has a hand on our family. When we are not walking in His way, it has been pretty dang clear. It is fruitless for us to try to advance our plans without prayer.

I don't even care that this picture is out of focus. Okay, that's a lie. I do care, but not enough that it surpasses how much I like this photo!


Julia Goolia said...

wonderful post, Leah. And I just love that little curly-topped boy of yours!

Julie S. said...

His hair gets me every time. What a beautiful post.

abby said...

It is completely overwhelming that we have been entrusted with these very tiny but very real people!

I also love that last photo, what an expression!

Rebecca (Craving Simplicity) said...

This is a great post!!

Bekah said...

so many of your posts have elements in them that I swear could come straight out of my heart


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