Don't Pick a Fight You Can't Win

Monday, August 16, 2010

After 4 long days of separation, Tony came home last night! He and my brother went to the BWCA with a group from our church and from the sounds of it had a fantastic trip. We've endured times of separation before, but without the added strain of presented in this trip: no communication.

There will be more on my weekend coming up, but this post is about the bombshell dropped when Tony and I got to talk again. He no longer has a job, again. Scott, Tony's friend and business partner, spoke with his uncle who has demanded that if he is to continue allowing the money that he loaned to go without repayment that Scott has to be the only owner. With that said, Scott has told Tony that there isn't enough business for both of them to be involved full-time.

Tony was almost excited to tell me. He truly views this as a blessing in disguise. There are no guarantees that their current venture would pan out and this eradicates our tie to a substantial debt. That being said, you can imagine that I wasn't so quick to be as thrilled. When I wrote this post and in closing mentioned that while buried the dream would be close at hand and shallowly buried, it was because I still held out hope that we would be successful. I still believed that even if not with Isaac, that I would be staying home with future children.

I'm not so disillusioned now. Tony needs a job. There are no fanciful daydreams. This is reality.

Tony wanted me on board, oh he wanted nothing more than for me to offer a quick smile. I had to walk away though and retreat to the bathroom. I shed a few hot tears and raised some shouts to God, most specifically I was mad. How have we been through so much? Situations that leave people scratching their heads that we still remain positive and have survived with absolute resiliency, only to arrive here again?

I heard Isaac and Tony giggling and laughing through the door, the solid door of our remodeled bathroom in our house that truly is larger than our current needs and again dwelled on my "unstuck" blessings. Not to make you think I'm blowing rainbows and unicorns up your butt, but I was almost able to release the death grip on my despair, only I didn't want to let it go. I had a right to my sense of dejection. In my best whiny, bratty teenage inner voice I berated God, telling Him with my utmost audacity: I don't want to be resilient any more.

With this mantra in my head, comforting me in only a derogatory way, I went to bed. My sadness absolutely engulfed me. I deserved wallowing. God couldn't expect me to face this in a cheerful mood and silly smile. And even if He did, clearly I had reason not too. Tony took a hold of my hands, made me look him in the eye as he did his best to comfort me. With conviction he told me that "We will be okay." I only responded with an "Uh huh."

This morning I tried to continue my dialogue with God regarding resiliency and my frustration that it should be extracted from a terrible situation, again.

And then I got body slammed. I didn't realize God was in the wrestling business, but obviously I've missed a thing or two.

Clear as day, He spoke directly to my soul: You are resilient because I have fostered it in you by leading you through these situations.

He didn't let up from there: Who am I to be sick of resiliency, when the only reason I have strength to be resilient once again is because God's hand has clearly been on our family? He has provided for and blessed us, which is the only way we have survived to have the opportunity to rise up again from this situation. How ungrateful am I?

Woosh. You could hear the hot air leaving my head. Woosh. There went every sense of entitlement to my sour mood.

How could I have been so blind to His hand?

It will be okay, more than okay.


Meredith said...

I have this issue a lot too. We can receive a paycheck that won't cover bills, and Justin is usually stress-free saying, 'It will work out. There will be side work or opportunities for overtime.' and I'm flipping shit. I understand your reaction completely. I'm also glad you're feeling some comfort and provision through this now!

Anonymous said...

Praying for you Leah, but I'm glad to hear you are working through this and seeing God's hand in it.

Mrs. Lukie said...

Oh, I see myself in this post. I'm the one who freaks out & worries/stresses about how things are going to be "okay" as the mister assures me, when x plus y, doesn't equal z.

What a blessing it is for God to speak to you, and for you to listen to Him, Leah.

Julie S. said...

I do the same. exact. thing. And Brandon assures me it will be OK. And if I listen, HE tells me the same.

Jen | Our Life Accounts said...

Amen girl, I remember Hubs coming home and telling me that he had been given a 10% raise only to come home two days later and say his position was going to be terminated and there was no relection of the raise in his paycheck or employee records. To say I raged at God would be an say He put me back in my place would also be an understatement. I cling to this scripture from Romans "We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God-those whom he has called according to his plan."

Ginger said...

Praying for you sweet Leah I'm so thankful that you are so strong and have such reliance on your faith many in your shoes can't and don't handle these types of situations with the grace and faith that you have shown.

Krystie said...

Oh Leah, I'm so sorry for all the negatives things that have been happening to you and your family. I know they're not easy, and sometimes it's hard to see past them into the future. You have a future, a good one. Just keep your head up and keep looking.

Also, have you seen the secret? if not, watch it. It's amazing how it will change your way of thinking.

Anonymous said...

You have certainly had a very tough go of it lately but your faith in God inspires me.

Wishing you the best!

Bekah said...

Its so tough when God bodychecks you...needed but TOUGH. Praying for you!

Molly said...

I'm trying to see God's work in our current situation. I'm not gonna lie. It's tough. Very tough.

But I just keep telling myself if my biggest problem is that we want a bigger house then I am truly blessed.

It's not even something I should be sad about. But I'm stubborn. And if I wanna be mad and stomp my feet like a 5 year old then gosh darn it I will!

Then I usually feel really really bad when I realize God was with me all along. Even through my tantrums.

DianeTaylor said...

Hi Leah - I was so sorry to read this post. I could feel your emotions jump out at me off the screen - and they are all too common for alot of us out here. Sadly I too have found myself in the bathroom, trying to stop my hands from shaking, trying to stop the tears from falling. My husband was out of work for almost a year - and he just now found another job. Our savings have dwindled to below a level where I am comfortable :( I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Yes - it will be ok. We will all be ok - what do we really need in this life? But dang, it would be nice to catch a break once in a while, right? ANd Lord, you, Tony and Isaac deserve a break right now.
You are in my prayers, hon :)


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