Life Doesn't Stand Still

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

This is getting harder than I thought.

I wanted that baby. I longed for that baby. Nothing on this earth matters to me more than raising a Godly family. In having more children. Josiah was a part of that.

I would have named him Josiah if I could have. I would have named him anything.

I bought a book at a book party last week about transitioning the older sibling to accepting their new younger sibling. Man, that's going to hurt when I get it next week.

My pregnancy email from BabyCenter came yesterday, it's bold title: Your pregnancy: 9 weeks. Except I'm not.

Tony was a wealth of information and support the evening after we found out. He was looking different facts up and I'm not even sure what his search words were, but he found a lot of miscarriage grief resources. I think that we'll be planting a tree in memory of Josiah.

Isaac does make it easier, so much easier. I can't imagine enduring this without his smile, crazy antics and slobbery kiss, but then again, because of him, I know what we've lost. Double edged sword. I just compared my son's existence to a sword. I know that those struggling will not see any validity in the additional pain caused by Isaac and I mean no slight by it, but that doesn't diminish it any.

I think that the miscarriage may have finalized yesterday, while at work. I was literally trapped without a bus home. I took ibuprofen but it didn't touch the pain. In several regards I felt like I was experiencing labor again, but tinged with a good dose of fear. It wasn't what I expected, but then again I wasn't prepared, at all. I thought I'd have a few days. I didn't expect to pass my child work. Silent. Waiting out the pain in the bathroom. Immediately after my cramps lessened and I'm quite certain the worst is over.

Even as I typed certain, I faltered because I know I'm not.

I'm scared that this can somehow be worse.

I don't know how I would get through this without being able to type my feelings out. Your support has just overwhelmed both of us. Thank you.

30 comments:

julie said...

Leah, I am aching for you. I can not imagine what you are mentally going through, but your honesty paints a good picture. Thank you for that. Please know you are in my prayers.

d.a.r. said...

prayers are going up for you and Tony.

Schmei said...

I'm so very sorry you're going through this. Take care of yourself, and take the time you need to grieve. Know that many, many people are praying for you and your family.

AmberDenae said...

:( I thought about you all day yesterday. I prayed for you last night. I'm hoping that your heart is being comforted and that this physical and emotional pain eases. You're in my thoughts. I can't even imagine what you're experiencing but I do know that the mere thought is like a dagger in my own heart. So, while I can't really relate, my heart is heavy for you just the same. So much love to you and yours.

Allison said...

I hope you find peace through this extremely hard time. When the time is right I know you and Tony will be blessed with another sweet baby to raise and love. My heart goes out to you Leah! You are all in my prayers!

Meredith said...

I think that planting a tree sounds absolutely perfect.

You are still in my thoughts and prayers friend. I'm so sorry for all this pain.

Sarah said...

I have been reading your blog for awhile, but have never commented before now. I'm so sorry for your loss, and you and your family will be in my prayers. Whatever feelings you're experiencing are totally okay - don't feel guilty for what you're feeling, as those emotions are natural and acceptable.

Mandie, Daniel and Dawson said...

Leah, I'm so sorry. Like I said yesterday, I have been in your shoes. Saying and feeling exactly how you feel right now. Don't focus on moving forward, just focus on gettng through it day by day. It will get easier to cope with, but the pain will never always go away. You will be blessed again and you will always have a place in your heart for this being that you never had the chance to hold. Please know that we are all praying for you and your family to find some sort of peace.

Lindsay said...

Leah, I have been praying for you and couldn't get you and your family off of my mind last night. I am so sorry. I do know how you feel (you have described it perfectly to a T) and if there is any way I could be a help to you, please let me know.

Sarah said...

You guys are an amazing couple and I know you will get through this with God's help. I am so sorry for all that you are going through right now. I saw these scriptures in my inbox today and thought they would be comforting right now.

Jeremiah 29:11b, "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." (MSG)

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." Matthew 5:4 (MSG)

Psalm 16:8, "I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me." (NLT)

John 16:33, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (NIV)

Peace & Blessings to your family,
Sarah

The Sancken's said...

I just wanted to say I am so sorry. I was reading another girls blog and saw your post from yesterday and I lost my baby in March @ 18 weeks, and wanted to read your post to see what had happened. First of all, I am very sorry. Second, I joined a group called baby center (www.babycenter.com). The ladies on there are SO helpful and they have been through the same thing. I feel that it helped me when I was able to relate with women who have been through the same thing. Third, remember that your baby was the one chosen to be with God for eternity and that is something special in itself (although I know it still hurts for us not to get to enjoy and know our babies!). Time will ease your pain, but it will take time. I will keep you in my prayers!

Joi said...

Still praying for you and your family, Leah.

Jill said...

Oh Leah...

Those stupid baby update emails are the worst! I hate getting those things and just when I've removed myself from every list, another one shows up. Yes, I know. I could have a baby, but I don't. Thanks for reminding me.

Also, the pain you're going through right now, I just can't imagine. For us, having the d&c was the only option because I couldn't bare the thought of passing a child on my own, no matter where I was. They couldn't give me the estimated length of time that it would take to make that happen nor could they tell me when it would even start. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this because, as I can imagine, this is probably harder to deal with than the news itself.

You need to take care of yourself and rest. Your body needs to heal and you need to let it. You have to take the time to do this. You need and deserve it.

Jenifer said...

Everything about this is hard. It is hard to go through mentally and physically. It is hard to forget and to move on.

Since having 1 before my son and 1 after my son. I can tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel when it doesn't feel like it. Now is the time to rely on others to help give you strength to get through this. You will make it through but it will be hard and you will be changed because of it.

Just hang in there and know you are not alone.

Emily said...

Leah,
I went through what you are going through now in April. Let me tell you that most likely in a physical sense that the worst is over. In an emotional sense there is probably more to come but you can and will push through. There are days that are better and worse than others. Most days I completely forget that I had a miscarriage, other days I don’t know how I’m going to get through the day. My husband’s best friend and his wife just told us they are expecting this week and while I’m very happy for them it is hard to listen to her complain about her morning sickness and not being able to drink. I would be thrilled to feel nauseous in the morning for the next 4 months if it meant I still had my baby. The positive that comes from this situation, however, is that you can be understanding and supportive to other women going through what you are now. You never truly know what it feels like to lose a baby until it has happened to you. Thank you for sharing your story. You have been a support to me during a rough week knowing that I am not alone in my mourning.
Emily

Randi said...

praying for you Leah.. and thinking of you.

jen @ homeinthecountry said...

My heart aches for you just reading this.

My mc was surprisingly quick physically, but is taking it's time emotionally. I started off as being thankful that it happened naturally, and that I avoided medical intervention, and that my body was still okay. But after a few days/weeks, the emotional aspects started taking their tole and I think those are the ones that are harder to heal. Your honest words are so similar to what I went through/felt... so know that you are not alone. And that we're praying for you.

Abby said...

Oh Leah, again I am so sorry sweetie. Although your body may heal physically, emotionally it will take much longer. All the feelings you are having are completely and utterly normal. Reading your post, I feel as though I could have written those esact same words back in March of 2009. But it does take time. Take time for yourself and for Tony. Make sure to cherish the love you have for each other and for your sweet little boy. I will say that it will get better, and this pregnancy will always have a special place in your heart.

Many hugs, thoughts and prayers coming your way.

I'm Molly said...

Oh Leah, I missed the announcement. I am so very sorry for your loss. There is nothing I can say but it sucks. And I know that's not enough to help. But just know that I am praying for you and Tony. That the Lord might hold you in his arms during this difficult time. That He might soothe your aching heart.

You're a wonderful mama and I know that Josiah will never be forgotten when he is a part of your family.

(((hugs)))

Bethany said...

Leah - Lifting endless amounts of prayers your way. I am at a loss of words, but just wanted to reach out and let you know that I will be thinking of you, Tony and Issac.

Mrs.LifeAccounts said...

I'm praying for you both Leah, sometimes things just don't seem to make sense...

Sarah said...

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. I agree, planting a tree sounds like a fabulous way to celebrate. Hugs to you all!

J. Henry said...

There are no "right" words... praying for you during your time of loss.

AJ said...

Of course you wanted that baby :) I think a tree sounds like a very lovely idea. Something else you can help grow big and strong.

arsenalfamily said...

I haven't read your blog until today and I'm so sorry! A tree is a tangible way to love him now and down the road. A place to go, and that's important. -La.

Michelle said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. :( Sending positive thoughts for you and Tony...

Hannah said...

Leah, I miscarried 9 weeks ago, and I know exactly what you're saying when you say you wanted that baby. I still struggle with asking God why, with wanting to be pregnant still, with wanting THAT child...not the next one. Each week will carry new sadness...you will pass milestones and have to step over them and carry on. You will have to give grace to those who don't understand and say well meaning but thoughtless comments. You will cry when you see a new baby or a pregnant mother, and your heart will rip in two at the most unexpected times. And then you will heal, and you will realize that God knows the why, and that is enough. It is a long journey, and one I pray you take with strength, dignity, grace, and a fervent hold on your faith, Tony, and Isaac. Love to you~

fallgirly said...

i am so so sorrry for you. i wish i had something more to say but i know you are strong and everything happens for a reason. big hugs.

Dr. Erin and Mr. Heath said...

Oh, Leah - I just saw your last two blog posts. I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I'm praying for you and Tony and that you find peace in knowing that God has the perfect plan for your beautiful little family. Sending lots of hugs your way. Give sweet little Isaac lots of squeezes and kisses tonight.
-Erin

Miss said...

oh my gosh Leah...I had NO IDEA!!!! I have been so out of it the past few weeks....

AFter watching your video of how happy Tony was makes my heart even more for you!!!!!!

I will be praying!!!!

 

Blog Design by Nudge Media Design | Powered by Blogger