Nothing is Appropriate

Friday, July 23, 2010

On June 24th, I wrote this post saved as draft.

Sweet, sweet blessed child. This pregnancy is so completely different all ready. The days are all ready passing quickly and I constantly need to remind myself to pray. I'm so very anxious and yet very aware of the possibility that you may not ever join us. I feel so very lucky to have never experienced a miscarriage before, but with this is the trepidation that my luck may not continue. And I do refer to it as luck, because I know that God's will can determine your healthy development or your early departure. I know that, but it's luck that I can reason with.

Our reception of this pregnancy was decidedly different than of Isaac's. Something felt off. Just off. Tony's sweet comments were met with "Maybe's" and "I hope so's." I wish they had just been unfounded. I only took 1 picture and didn't even note the week, so unlike our first pregnancy, but I anticipated that it would be less frequent. I just didn't think I would only take one.
IsaacJuly 045

Yesterday was probably the worst day of my life. So very dramatic to say, but I will feel it's impact for a very long time. It's funny what I will and will not share on this blog, but the events that occurred yesterday did nothing less than scar my heart and were all completely avoidable.

Tony knew that evasive action must be taken due to the collision course I was currently on, so he came home early. In the mean time, I did take Isaac to the park, as suggested by my boss on Tuesday. He was enthralled by the steps and literally barely took a break from trudging up and down to even throw woodchips!

We went down the slide, which Isaac then proceeded to try to climb back up!

He threw woodchips which was outrageously funny stuff, especially when I threw them at him.

I know this is a face that only a mother could love, and I do. I just do. I find this picture so funny!

Once home, Tony and I packed up Isaac to be watched by Tony's parents. We then went out to Axel's Bonfire in Woodbury. They had a live band and we ate some delicious food, with more beer.

The band didn't start up until we had finished with our food, but was just feet away from Tony and I, hindering conversation. At one point Tony took my hand and we just stared into each other's eyes. "Four years," my internal monologue began, "four years of marriage. I did not see this in our future. Who would have thought of all we've faced? He's such a good man. Do we deserve this?" Tony interrupted my thoughts with a squeeze of my hand, quietly saying as we continued to lock eyes, "We'll be okay. We'll be okay." Such a profound, simple statement. I couldn't handle his gaze at that, only quickly nodding my jutted chin as I tried to hold back the tears. I know we'll be okay. We'll gain strength together, in our family and in our faith in Jesus.

After dinner we went up to Stillwater for Lumberjack Days, but basically only walked a few city streets with a dabbling of people watching. I held my baby's hand, as we remembered our engagement session that took place in many of the places we strode past.

What kids we were.

Gosh, what experience we have shared.
IsaacJuly 071

We ended the night outside of a German shop and it made me smile just a bit to think of my friend Ashley's obsession with Christmas. Ashley, here's more Christmas in July.
IsaacJuly 070


Jenifer said...

Leah, I do not know how you do it each and everytime you post. But this latest post as with the previous 2 have reiterated everything I have felt during my own miscarriages.

With my last loss, I felt the same. Off. Instead of "when the baby is born" I said "I hope and I wish." I just knew. It was different this time. I knew I would not be at the 8 week Dr. appointment. I just couldn't see it coming true and I could not see myself on that day 8 weeks pregnant.

When the pain began and I knew I had lost the baby and I wasn't surprised. I cried for the loss and the sadness that my Husband and I felt but I knew all along it was not "meant to be."

I wonder when that "meant to be" will come along again? I hope someday soon.

Molly said...

Still thinking about you. I couldn't stop thinking about it last night. And NO. You don't deserve this. No one does. It's cruel and unfair.

But you will be okay.

Faith said...

Still thinking about you guys. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

I wish I had the right words to help, but I don't. Not that words would make a difference. Please just know that I'm praying so hard for your family. I wish I was closer so I could wrap you up in a bug hug. :(

But you will be ok. I'm sure of it.

Sarah Louise said...

I don't know if you have ever come across a blog called Proverbs 31 Ministries, but I get e-mails from them every day with a daily devotion...unfortunately I usually end up deleting the messages I get from them because they are sent to my alternate e-mail address, but yesterday's post was called "God's Will for Me to Grieve," and I immediately clicked on it thinking of you.


Although the author was talking about the grief of losing her mother I thought was she said, especially in regards to the scripture she was inspired by (Matthew 5:4) was good.

I hope some way, some how the little one you lost knows how lucky he or she was to have such wonderful, loving, and God fearing parents. I can't imagine how difficult this time is for you guys, and I want you to know you are in my most sincere thoughts and prayers. I find your strength and faith in God inspiring.

Bethany said...

Leah -

I know this may sound a little nutty since I don't even know you personally, but I have been thinking about you and your family a lot over the past few days. How you are feeling, how you and Tony are taking care of eachother, along with praying endless amount of prayers for you. I can't imagine what you are feeling and don't expect to. What I can offer is my continued prayers and support. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. As cheesy as it may sound - you have been inspirational.

Jenifer said...

I saw your comment about my Minn. post :) If we are back in the Minn. area soon I would love to take photos with you!!! And I have always assumed you had the accent. Atleast I hoped you did, it is such a beautiful thing. Sigh, accents. Take care.

Jill said...

I know exactly how you feel.

I'm now struggling with the fact that some friends who found out they were pregnant around the same time we did... and then carrying on about their pregnancy. I can't handle those conversations yet.

I'm also struggling with being sympatetic with people who are having issues trying who haven't been trying but for a few months.

It's difficult for them to know what we are going through and it's difficult for us to explain the pain.

I never knew what this would even feel like and when I've had friend who have had this happen, I know now that I had NO CLUE about what they were dealing with emotionally.

I would've been 15 weeks today.

Krystie said...

Leah this is all too familiar and yet I can't even touch the pain you must be feeling. I know what mine felt like, I remember every minute of everyday that I felt like that. But everyone is different. Every circumstance is different. You and Tony will make it through this tough time. I promise you that...I'm praying for you and for Josiah and his fast departure up to heaven.

Julie S. said...

Leah, your posts lately have just been so profound. It is comforting to me that you are seeking refuge in your husband, family, and faith. Hang in there.

Heidi said...

This was the hardest post to read so far. I really want to be able to say something to comfort you, but my mind us blank because all I can seem to do is cry with you through this. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't surprise me how heartbroken I am over this for you-- I am. I thought about you often & was really looking forward to your family growing... It seems kind of silly for me to feel that way over a blogger friend, but it's just what's true. I hope that at the very least it might comfort you some to know that I am praying for you & am shedding tears over your loss with you. Be comforted, friend.

Unknown said...


I've never commented before, but I wanted to let you know that I've lifted you up in my prayers.

As I came back to your post today, I took a better look at the pictures you put on. Maybe it is just the way it looks on my screen, but I see a distinct cross on your belly photo of Josiah.

The calm that came over me when I saw that spoke volumes. I can just picture Josiah in heaven walking hand in hand with our Father. I hope you find comfort in your earthly friends and heavenly father as you go through the grieving process.

Bree said...

Leah, I am so sorry and sad after catching up on your last posts after being away last week.

I haven't dealt with the loss of my own child, but have experienced it with people very close to me. It doesn't mean I have any clue what it must be like for you right now, but know that you guys will be in my prayers. I know that doesn't solve the grief, questions, and wondering and all the emotions you must still be dealing with. Take solace in each other and your faith.


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