Backwards Announcement | We Were Pregnant

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I'm a fighter. It's what I do. I fight to win. I fight to care. I fight for those I love. Give me a battle of morality, knowledge or physicality and I will not back down. When push comes to shove, I will escalate and shove.

Right now though, I know there is no fight. Tuesday came and pushed, but I could not shove back.

For about 7 actual weeks, not counting the 2 the medical world gifts when counting gestation that actually bring me to 9 weeks, I've been blessed by the thought of bringing another child into our family. To make Isaac a big brother.

I was able to actually have the foresight to capture telling Tony for the first time in this video:



This morning started slowly with a few text messages to Kierstan bemoaning the need to run before 6:00am. She was snoozing due to a morning storm in IA, but encouraged me to get out the door. Due to my procrastination, I only got a two miler in but felt great until I returned home. It was when home that I realized I was cramping. I am still cramping.

There is blood. Red blood. We've been called in for an ultrasound at 12:15. I'm not hopeful, nor am I sad. I'm simply resigned. God has a plan, which may not include a birthday in February. His ways are perfect. Don't let this resignation fool you. I want this baby. This child is all ready my delight. I want nothing more than for this little scare to make me even more appreciative of this pregnancy. I just happen to be realistic enough in this moment to know that my wants are not always met, but my needs are.

Maybe I'm not taking the right approach. Maybe I'm supposed to be praying fervently. Maybe God's ear will be turned. I just don't know. That's the approach my Mom is taking.

One thing that I know I'm doing well is eating. Man, do I love to emotionally eat. Luckily there's a very short supply as to what I can eat today. It appears granola is about it.

I'm thinking about trivial things right now, like my not taking my prenatal vitamin this weekend and wondering if that beer in the first week somehow didn't cause this. Then there was the x-ray for my knee. Did they not cover me well enough? Did I even know I was pregnant then? What if I hadn't been so concerned about Isaac not being only child or what we would do for a 2nd vehicle? What if I hadn't have been mildly stressed? Did the baby feel that and think that it wasn't the right time? I love irrational thinking.

Less than two hours now.

I'm actually starting to get excited now. The cramps are really concerning me, but they haven't been painful, consistent or much of anything to note. I guess I'm just starting to get hopeful. I don't really want to be though. I'm so much more in control when I remain stoic.

I'm back now from the ultrasound. There will be no February birthday. Baby Bless's successor was stalled in growth at 6w5d. We lost our little one a little over two weeks ago. I knew as soon as my uterus filled the screen. There was no heartbeat. Isaac's heartbeat had been so strong and visible to us instantly at much the same point in time.

We made the decision with this pregnancy to switch practices. This child was to be born at a new hospital with a CNM (certified nurse midwife) who came highly recommended by a friend. The midwife wasn't available when we found out the news, but a doctor was on hand. While I know he must deal with women in all states of mind, I just wanted to shake him and demand that he acknowledge our baby was gone. He kept saying he was really concerned about the pregnancy and that at 6 1/2 weeks there should be a heart beat. I wanted to yell at him that he no longer talk of 6 1/2 weeks! Our baby shouldn't be 6 1/2 weeks, it should be 9 weeks!

That being said, both he and the ultrasound tech seemed to handle delivery the news quite hard, which was very touching to Tony and I. The ultrasound tech kept saying, "I would do anything to make that heart beat for you."

I think that Tony is taking this especially difficult. While I was much more reserved during this pregnancy, I think that Tony couldn't help but jump to imagining Isaac's sibling, forgetting the very real probability that we are now experiencing. He certainly cried harder than I did and prayed the most beautiful prayer, stating that he had no doubt that our child was welcomed into heaven by Jesus. Continuing with irrational thoughts though, I kept having the overwhelming need to apologize to Tony. He recognized this as nonsensical and quickly shot me down, telling me there was nothing to be sorry for.

Both Tony and recognized at the very same moment how blessed we are, as we sat in the ultrasound room, that we got to go home to our little man. We acknowledged and grieved for our family members and friends who have all too often reached the same point or never even been given the opportunity to face what we are. Your pain is all too real now, although we know we have not even tapped into that of those struggling with infertility.

We decided to name the baby Josiah, which was actually a humorous process [I am trying to maintain a sense of humor!]. We have two boy names on our list which I thought for sure Tony would never entertain the thought of using, but he proved me wrong! For one he even said, "Well when we have our 6th son it may be on the table." I don't even think he was joking! Josiah was not a name that I was fond of, but Tony likes it and it gained my vote of approval after Tony revealed it's meaning. Josiah means Jehovah heals, Jehovah helps or the Lord saves. I could think of no better name.

I came back to work after the ultrasound, but my boss sent me home. She told me that I got a gold star for coming back, but that it was the last place I should be. I started to cry when she told me to go pick up Isaac and spend what was left of the afternoon with him at the park. I stopped by the little convenience store and bought one of my favorite candies, Mike n Ike Tropical Fruit. They have tiny little boxes for $.40 which is perfect. I then walked a bit further and bought two cookies from Au Bon Pain. Don't judge. Instead of picking Isaac up and going to the park though, I went to the mall. I couldn't bear the thought of dwelling on the thought of Isaac's sibling while with him. It turned out to be a good choice.

My Mom gave us money to eat dinner out. We went to Acapulco and splurged with both cheese dip and tall beers. The beer didn't change the results of the day, but it sure tasted fantastic, especially since I'd been without a sip for the 4th of July [note to self, don't do that again].

We've been very supported by the few family and friends that we chose to tell. With Isaac we started out telling quite a few friends, but waited to tell family. With Josiah we did the opposite, only sharing with 4 girlfriends, my parents and brother. We have shared with more now about the imminent miscarriage than we told about the pregnancy. I've been so surprised by the depth of love, even from many who have no idea of the range of emotions we are assaulted by. We are so blessed.

A full 24 hours from the initial prick of our dreamy pregnancy bubble and I'm in a much different place. I still know that God is in control and that gives me comfort, even if I'm in pain right now. Tony and I are now experiencing something in which we will be able to relate to more of our friends and family in their time of need. I can't help but this that God's timing is perfect and that only He knows the reason Josiah was not meant to join us, although materialistically I could name a few.

We will not be doing a D&C, a choice which both Tony and are in agreement regarding. We will be waiting this out, but based on the cramps consistency now I don't anticipate that it will be long.


The Lord is good, a Strength and Stronghold in the day of trouble; He knows those who take refuge and trust in Him.
Nahum 1:7

80 comments:

d.a.r. said...

Oh Leah...my heart just breaks for you reading this. But more than that, I am awed by your faith, by your resilience, by your grace and peace. You are truly a shining example of what it means to live your faith.

I am praying for you guys.

kathleen said...

I'm so sorry, Leah.

Rose said...

Oh Leah, my heart goes out to you. :o( I am so so sad for you and your family. My prayers are with you!

L.C.T. said...

Oh gosh Leah I am so so sorry and sad for you. Please know I will be praying for you from across the ocean and I trust too that the Lord is good.

Kier said...

Leah, I am glad that you shared the video, it is such a sweet moment that you will have to remember.

So sorry. LOVE YOU.

kari said...

I'm so, so sorry Leah.

kari said...

I'm so, so sorry Leah.

Amy said...

Leah, i am deeply sorry! I'll be praying for you and your family!

Joi said...

You're in my thoughts and prayers, Leah and Tony. I am so sad for your loss.

Julie said...

I'm so sorry. Your family is in my prayers.

abby said...

You have amazing strength,faith, perspective and an amazing husband. I know it's these things that will help you during this trying time.

I love that you got your announcement to Tony on video, what a precious memory! And Josiah is a lovely name.

As always, you're in my prayers.

AmberDenae said...

Sweet Leah, my heart was so heavy in reading this. I am so sorry that you've experienced such a loss. I'm praying for you and your family. I so admire you and your strength. You're such an amazing woman, wife and mama. Your family is abundantly blessed. I wish I could offer some words of advice but I don't have any. All I can say is, I'm praying for you. I pray that God will comfort and mend your hearts fully. You are loved by so many- even in the bloggins community. Best wishes, my friend and again, praying praying praying! xo

Lindsay said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Amber said...

Leah, My heart is breaking for you. I cannot even begin to imagine what your going through. Your in my heart and prayers!

Melissa said...

I am so sorry :(

. said...

I admire your strength. Prayers for you all.... Also the video of your H was so neat to watch I have never got to witness a dad being told before (I have no children myself)how amazing that joy in him is. I hope to be able to give that joy to my H one day.

The Wellingtons said...

I am praying that everytime you think of Josiah, his name will be carried out in you... that the Lord will heal your hearts, and that He will help you. I am so sorry for this sad news. When I was pregnant with my Josiah, a friend's cousin was pregnant with twin boys and they lost one of their precious sons... the one they had named Josiah. I was really touched by the significance of his name even more, already knowing it would be our son's name, and I often think of that mom and pray for her, as I will pray for you until you both are reunited with your sweet children in the presence of Jesus.

LC said...

Leah, I am so sorry for your loss. Your faith and strength is amazing. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Mrs. A said...

Leah my heart is aching for you I am so so sorry that such a sweet family as yours should have to deal with such pain. Please know that we are praying for you in our house.

Mrs. Dirnberger said...

That video brings tears to my eyes! You will be blessed again soon. I know first hand how hard it is, how hard the whole process is. I always named my miscarried babies as well, they are babies and I remember them often:)

Sarah Louise said...

Leah, I am truly heartbreaks for you and Tony. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Mandie, Daniel and Dawson said...

I have been through this. It tears your heart out and breaks your spirit, but you keep your faith b/c that's what you know how to do. You're doing fabulously at working through this, and when you're next baby bless is here, you'll know that both your babies on earth have an Angel in Heaven.

Amy said...

Leah, that was a beautiful video. Brought tears to my eyes the moment he opened the package. The raw emotion in Tony (and Isaac) was truly beautiful. I am so so sorry for you. Isaac has an Angel sibling, watching over him each and everyday. Your Son or Daughter is now your Angel, watching over you each and everyday. God Bless you and I'll be thinking about you and your family.

Megan said...

Aw, my heart just broke in half for you. Watching the video seeing how Tony was so excited and seeing your big smile ... sigh, it is so hard to understand sometimes. Definitely will be praying for you guys.

Emily said...

I am so sorry, Leah. Praying for you, Tony and Isaac.

Mary said...

Oh Leah, I am so sorry. I don't even really have words for you right now. I hope your faith in God and love for each other bring you comfort. I'll be thinking about you.

jen @ homeinthecountry said...

Leah, I am so sorry for your loss. Your strength during this difficult time is so amazing. Having been through this, I know how horrible it is. Just continue to hold strong to your family and your faith, and know that we're all praying for you.

Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry! Your strength is so admirable and your wisdom just shines through this post. I think you already know where your comfort comes from!

Rambling Renovators said...

Oh Leah, I am so sorry for you and Tony. Wishing you strength through this difficult time.

The video brought me to tears. The joy you captured was beautiful. You'll be at that moment again someday, have faith.

PQ said...

my heart breaks for you too. i'm so sorry and i'm going to keep you and tony in my prayers.

-Pamela

Kristal said...

Oh Leah. I am so very sorry. I pray for you guys often, but will add some extra thoughts to those prayers today.

Court said...

Leah. I'm so so so sorry. My heart just hurts for you. You & Tony are in my thoughts & prayers. xo

Dunc said...

Leah, I am so sorry - and you are so strong. I hope to have some of your grace and understanding during times of difficulty. Saying a prayer for you.

Dunc said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Erin said...

I am so sorry and will keep your family in my thoughts...

Sara said...

Saying a prayer for you and Tony right now. What a perfect name for an angel baby.

Meredith said...

I'm so sorry Leah. You will all be in my prayers.

Jenifer said...

I just wanted to say I have been there twice now. And this most recent miscarriage the only thing that got me through was going home and hugging my Ian. When the time is right we will have another child and so will you. Take Care and know you are not alone in this grieving period. All my best to you and your family.

CaitStClair said...

Oh Leah, I am so sorry. Your faith and steadfastness through this amazing. Sending you lots of good thoughts...

Oh, and thank you for posting the video. I had to watch it on mute but it was so touching all the same. I can't wait to tell my husband whenever we get pregnant.

Erica said...

I am praying for you, Tony, and your family. I am so sorry for your loss.

Heidi said...

Oh Leah. I'm heartbroken for you. I cried when I read this. I'm so, so sorry.

Please know I'm praying for you & your sweet family. With all my love, friend.

Mrs.LifeAccounts said...

Oh Leah, I'm so so sorry to hear your news, my heart broke for you, reading this. I can only imagine what a tough experience it is. You all are in my thoughts & prayers.

Cortney said...

I am amazed constantly by your faith and your strength. I can't even imagine how this might feel but I am grieving with you (from my desk at work - thanks a lot!). I don't comment much but I have enjoyed reading about you and Tony and that cutie Isaac and I love seeing how your faith influences your relationship and your parenting. I pray that God will comfort you and love you more today than He did yesterday and more the day after that. Be blessed for all your faith and kindess.

Chelsea said...

Leah, I'm sitting heartbroken for you. Your outlook on everything is truly inspiring. You are so strong. You and your family are in my prayers. Sending lots of love your way.

Chelsea

Leslie G said...

Leah I am so very sorry. I know what you're going through- I don't know if you remember, but I miscarried in April. I was at total peace with it knowing that God would soon bless us again in His timing, and he sure did- 2 months later. It sounds like you guys are doing OK, so keep your head up and praise God for that beautiful blessing you have in Issac.

Miss Erin said...

Oh Leah. I my heart is breaking to read this. Your strength is amazing to me. I'll be praying that God brings you comfort.

R.A. said...

Leah, I was immediately brought to tears by this honest and heartfelt account of what you and your family are going through right now. Please know that you are in my prayers at this time.

Also, I am impressed and humbled at your showing of faith in the face of this situation. God has great things in store for you!

Cassandra Louise said...

This was a beautiful post. May you be granted with peace, faith, and most of all, stand in awe of our creator. The one who holds great plans and blessing for your family.

Mrs. Lukie said...

Oh, Leah. While hearts are breaking in your household, know that ours are breaking for you as well. What a beautifully sweet video of your family--the joy was obvious and I sat at my computer, crying for you all. You will be in my prayers.

Jen said...

Leah, my heart breaks for you and your family right now. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Krystie said...

:( I'm sorry for your loss Leah. I've been there and lost our baby at right around the same time. ..Time does heal, but without a doubt questions of "what if?" will remain..

I hope you find comfort in prayer and that Isaac will soon have a sibling!

Jill said...

These steps and thoughts are all too close to my heart right now. We both were given something so beatiful for a quick second and then were forced to understand the hurtful outcome.

Hopefully sometime soon we'll be able to share in the joy again!

Here's staying positive and hoping the best for the future!

The Edberg's said...

Leah - may God be with you during this time of hardship and trial. We are all thinking of you as this process continues. God bless-

Faith said...

Leah - I'm so sorry for your loss. You guys will be in my thoughts. Hang in there hun.

Blue-Eyed Bride said...

oh, leah! :( i boo-hooed when i watched the video. and i was hopeful that it would just be a little scare because i had a big bloody scare (sorry if that sounds gross) when i was pregnant with hudson.

i'll be praying for you. your strength is so inspiring and i know from whom you get that strength. the Lord IS good and thank you for sharing your faith.

Ashley said...

Leah........

All I can think right now is how beautifully you expressed your story and thoughts in the midst of such heartache. My mom had a miscarriage after me, and I can only tell you that from the depths of my soul, God has a plan. Take time to grieve and then rest in Him. God has tremendous plans for your family. Please pass along my prayers and condolences to Tony. Love you guys!

Sarah said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Andrea said...

Leah, I'm so so sorry :( While I know you and Tony are hurting, I believe with all my heart that God has a plan for you. And I especially believe that from trials come bigger and better blessings. I'm sure we'll be seeing an announcement from you soon :)

I think it's wonderful you named your second child. What an awesome thing to do. Hang in there. We're all thinking about you.

The Conway's said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. God has a plan for you and your family and I know that through all your trials...he's still good!
I'll be praying for you and your family!

Aimee said...

Leah - I'm so sorry for your loss. It is very hard. I went through this twice, unfortunately. We took some time off and are going to start trying again in a few months. I will be praying for you.

Raquel said...

Oh Leah, my heart breaks for you. I know the anticipation that comes the minute you see that postive sign and all of the dreams that you have to let go of when the words " I am sorry but there is no heartbeat" are spoken. I appreciate your strength to share this story with us, knowing the ending. I am thinking of you...

Jen said...

I am very sorry for your loss.

Jenny T said...

I'm sorry for the loss of your little angel. I, too, miscarried before my little guy was born. No one can explain the emotion and heartache that you feel unless you've experienced it. All my thoughts and prayers to you and Tony.

Meg said...

Oh leah, I'm so sorry. I know that God has a plan. You can take comfort in the fact that your sweet pea is hangin out with Jesus all day. :) I know it doesn't take away the pain you guys must be feeling...but I KNOW god will use this for good!

Mrs.BigTime said...

Oh Leah, my heart is aching for you! I have no words except to say that I am praying for you and admire you so much...thank you for your honesty.

Megalamode said...

I'm so sorry :(

DianeTaylor said...

Oh Leah - my heart dropped when I read the title of this post. I have 4 beautiful babies in heaven, all lost before I was finally blessed with my son Jonathan. I have some idea how you are feeling - I am sending you blessings today and all the comfort of Jesus's arms. Let him carry you thru this - his love will carry you thru this.

Peace to you all - ~dt~

julie said...

Oh Leah, my heart is aching for you and Tony. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Erin said...

Leah, I am so very sorry for your loss. I watched that video and Tony's reaction brought me to tears. What a sweet husband you have.

When my miscarriage was discovered, my baby had stopped growing at 6w 5d, too. It was discovered at 8 weeks, and I finally had the natural miscarriage around 11 weeks. It was traumatic, but I'm really glad I did it that way rather than having the D&C.

I'm so thankful to have my baby boy now, and how wonderful that you have Isaac and Tony during this hard time.

I know you'll be strong and that God will bless you with another little one soon.

Alicea said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Leah. Thinking of you! (hugs)

Eli said...

That video brought a tear to my eye. I'm sorry for your loss. God has good plans for us and I'll keep you in my prayers

I'm Molly said...

Oh dear, I should not have watched that video. My heart broke watching that. I am crying for you. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a baby. Please know that I am so so sorry for your loss :(

AJ said...

((bigsquishyhugs)) Love you, girl. And I love Josiah too.

Rebekah said...

Leah,

I am so sorry! I can't imagine the pain and loss that you are experiencing right now. Kyle and I will be praying for you and Tony as you walk through the grieving process. Let us know if you need ANYTHING at all! We love you guys!

Amanda said...

I'm so sorry. My prayers are with you and your family.

D. Ramblings said...

My heart breaks for you :( You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers! And your strength is inspiring

Stephanie said...

Oh Leah, I've been so behind on my blog reading. I am so, so sorry for your loss. You, Tony & Isaac will be in my prayers. You are such a strong woman and I admire your faith in God. He will guide you through this, I have no doubt.

*claire* said...

i was so so very sorry to read this. i simply cannot imagine the heartbreak you are feeling. hugs to you guys, and hopefully your sweet Issac can keep you strong through this.

Katie said...

Leah, I am so very sorry! I loved the video, it was beautiful. My thoughts are with you and your family! I am so encouraged by your strength. You have an amazing ability to sit back and rationalize when so many people can't.

LeeAnn said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Deal with it how you feel is right to deal with it. With having two losses myself, I can say that they're both different. It was nice knowing that there are people out there that have gone thru what I have, just for talking purposes. I felt that the people that have never dealt with it, didn't really fully understand.
So if you do have any questions, feel free to email me.
My hear goes out to you and your family.
justahopin@gmail.com

~Sothern

 

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