My son has hockey hair.
I mean like there's no getting around it.
Certifiable, makes Daddy proud Hockey Hair.
And people keep on talking about cutting it.
Which honestly makes me want to punch someone, because they are effectively telling me what I already know: my baby isn't quite a baby anymore. I'm not quite sure when it happened. I can't say that I turned my back on him and when I looked back he'd changed, because I never did. I never turned my back. I've been trying to be aware and living in each moment.
But all this birthday and hair cutting talk gets me thinking about weaning. There are so many reasons, good solid reasons, only a few of which are selfish that drive these thoughts. The most major factor being my relationship with Tony. We have coslept since Isaac was five months and both Tony and I enjoy it. We both like the proximity of our child and I honestly think that nursing throughout the night has been the deciding factor in my ability to breastfeed this long.
Tony without fail mentions weekly that his favorite part of the day is when I leave in the morning and he gets to cuddle his son. I know we made a great decision for Isaac in opening our bed to him and it's rewarded us greatly in return, but I recently heard a quote that stopped me dead in my tracks.
"You can't be a better mother than a wife." Chelsea Cameron
I think that Tony has been allowing me to pour all of my effort into our son and has been left to fend for the emotional discards that I sometimes offer, never mind the physical. Please, if the above quote has hit you as hard as it hit me, don't shy from sharing! It was like a literal lightbulb went off in my head.
While my son does need me, he needs an intact family more. I'm not saying things are/were even rocky for Tony and I, but I am saying that I was not fostering the marriage I know that I want to uphold. My husband needs to know that I am available to him, wholely. This is the primary reason that I thinking of weaning.
I do not feel womanly. I feel motherly. I do not want the caress of my husband, as I feel the stain against my motherly duties. This needs to change. I need to reclaim my strength as a woman and a mother, not only a mother. Maybe I am the only one who struggles with the demands of my body as a woman, wife and mother, but I highly doubt it.
I think we'll start dropping nursing after Isaac's birthday and transition him to his crib [the long, long, long ways a whole floor and half our house away]. I will forever cherish my bond with my son, the need and comfort he associates with me in a role that only I can fill. For his sake though, it must end. And let's be clear this is not just about boobs or sex people, there's a lot of emotional issues to be taken into account.
[The above quote is not to suggest that a woman should endager her life or that of her children to stay in an abusive or dangerous situation.]
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