Welp, that's that.

There was no discussion yesterday, apparently there weren't options. It was "here is where we stand now, I hope you like it, because it's all you get." And that all we get is 40%. Forty percent of every job will now be our income, our means. In our family it is without question that Tony is our breadwinner. The position I am in now was a crack decision that ultimately benefited us, especially in providing benefits, but financially . . . not so much.

A quick run of the numbers means that Tony will have to sell 4 average sized floors per week in order to maintain our frugral franny level of living. He's averaging 2. Tell me how that adds up? It doesn't and that's where the faith comes in. Because we don't have any other options. We aren't allowed the position of relying on our own knowledge, our own contacts, our own abilities to wisk ourselves out of this position, because there are none. There is simply complete submission to God's will.

As friend's do in times of crisis, Gina emailed me a devotional that she thought would be of encouragement. And by encouraging, I really mean "stuck in my head, completely challenging my every thought."

It's pretty short, so I'll just c&p.

We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God’s purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or a desired goal, but He is not. The question of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.

What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish— His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see "Him walking on the sea" with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see "Him walking on the sea" ( Mark 6:49 ). It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.

God’s training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation, God sees as the goal itself.

God’s purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.

Does this not challenge you to no end? It is so easy to warp Bible verses and truths until the final output is that God just wants us to be happy and that if we are faithful He will be faithful to provide that happiness. How do we miss the mark that badly?! God doesn't need us to be happy. He wants us to be fully reliant and obedient. That is the purpose and intent of our lives. My faith isn't being tested so that once we emerge on the other side of this fire God will lean down and give me a prize, my faith is being tested because that's the point! He wants me to show him my obedience. This train of thinking is further explored in an interview with Rick Warren.

In which I find this passage the most challenging:

The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort. God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that’s not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character–in Christ likeness.

So now the prayers will begin that Tony will consistently sell jobs and if he doesn't, we'll continue to be obedient. That is our option.

Update re: commission

The good thing is that now when I have job stress I no longer have to worry about it harming Isaac! :| They're going to work out details today but Tony was notified yesterday that he's going to commission in the very near future {like one paycheck}.

Additionally, I'm pretty livid about the conversation they had yesterday. His boss is trying to manipulate Tony into doing what's best for him and not for our family. Sounds like there's the option of straight commission {which he obviously wants Tony to take} or some others yet to be discussed. He's already made it clear that he doesn't want Tony to take them by saying he'd "question" Tony's "commitment" if he explored the other options - OR he wants a fricken stable income! The business is not established enough for it to be commission based, some weeks he only sells 1 one floor!

I have lost all respect for his boss. I can still see his face sitting there with his wife, assuring us that even if Tony made zero sales that he would still have his salary covered for a year and that he understood where we were at as a family, knowing that this was a big jump for us. And now, not even 5 months in he's doing this.

Our first anniversary trip to Colorado is now off the table. Even though it would be paid for completely via Tony's side exterior gig, we will now eat the cost of the tickets {ouch that hurts} and save the remainder. There's no way we would be able to enjoy ourselves at this point if we went anyway knowing that we may be frivolously spending money which down the line may be needed to keep our house.

On the one hand I'm trying not to panic - God is always faithful - but on the other I'm trying to control my temper and not be pissed. You'd think I'd learned by now that no man's assurance, aside from my husband's, is ever worth anything.

Thank you for your prayers you guys.

Fears confirmed.

More details to come.

This is not the post I anticipated writing.

Tony has been called into a meeting with his boss to discuss "pay restructuring." He told Tony that this is nothing to be "concerned" about, and that he may be "pleased" with the change. All signs point to Tony doing commission based work . . . the business is not established enough for this to be a sustainable income and he did not take this job to do sales!

We've had some background work happening regarding a big potential move, requiring a lot of prayer but this is not the welded nor open door that I was envisioning! This is one hot mess of stress!

*edited to add: I freaking hate google reader and it's delayed release now!

My 3 Month Old

My little man is just growing up so quickly. Isaac has the sweetest disposition. It used to be instantaneous smiles on the changing table, but that quickly has turned into smiles most anywhere. He loves light and sound and tracks Momma and Daddy throughout the room.

I'm failing miserably at starting and keeping up a baby book, but I am so very thankful that I attempted to stay up to date on this blog. Looking back on my pregnancy posts and my posts of Isaac as a newborn are like reading another person's blog. I have such a disconnect from the person I was while pregnant and was in too much of a fog to remember much the first few weeks. To all of my new mother {who actually have the time to read this} keep at it - you'll treasure the posts!

The post I wanted to write.

1. Tony and I ran the Lifetime Fitness Torchlight 5K last Wednesday. It was such an ordeal to finagle, as it is one of the few races that does not loop back to the beginning. This in and of itself might not be so terrible, if it weren't for the fact that it is hosted DT Minneapolis, with plenty of construction to boot! Once we got to the starting line it was all good, especially since my brother joined us!

Tony and I are very nostalgic about the Torchlight since it was the first 5K that we ever ran. Just 2 short years ago at Nadia's suggestion. I can't believe that we've been running for 2 years already!

We finished around 28:00, I'd say as it was a slow start and we were without a watch. Hah!

2. Work has kind of been turning around lately. I've been strapped with a rather large chunk of responsibility due to my results pre-leave and thankfully haven't buckled under the pressure yet . . . due to this, apparently I've been getting some attention. I'll take it.

3. A major development is brewing in the F household and I would welcome any and all prayers that our path be laid clear. I want welded doors or 1-mile wide ones. :)

4. Tony and I completed the Lumberjack Day's 10 mile run on Saturday. We wanted to do it last year, but our running completely fell to the way side following our half marathon. We were so excited to take it on this year! We finished in 1:43:40 and I'm very pleased with it. Right around mile 9 I wanted to walk, which Tony allowed for about 200 yards . . . and then he said he couldn't do it any longer. We were either going to walk the rest of it or run the rest of it lol, so we ran it out.

5. I'm sticking to my guns re: soccer. I can't agree to sub more than one game a week. The last couple of weeks were CRAZY.

6. Please see #2 and the fact that in turn, I'm working harder. I can't keep up with my Google Reader! I'm trying to stay abreast of my pregnant friends, but aside from that? Forget it, I'm just failing!

7. I have the utmost respect for mother's who are actually able to be modest about their children! I'm sorry, but I have the cutest baby in the world! Just as I say in my posted videos of Isaac lol . . . for the record, I do think there are multiple cutest babies in the world. :) Amazing how that can happen.

8. I'm looking forward to the weekend, although Tony will be working some pretty rough days at a local county fair. I plan on filling the time with friends and family! I can't wait to see you AJ and Abby!

9. Finally, I hope that I can recoup some cash at a garage sale this weekend! Between Tony and I we covered two 10 foot long tables . . .

And that's about all.
Aside from steadily trying to resist the urge to freak out. :)

For the record, yes, Tony will be looking for another job. He in no fewer words told his boss that. Thankfully the job will allow for flexibility, so he will definitely have the time to interview . . . it's just the search part that will be interesting. We have zero prospects right now. If it comes to it, I will take up waitressing again. We are able bodied people and God has given us great varied skills.

My big almost 3 month old!

2009 676, originally uploaded by allpossible.

Amber's Wedding

I really tried my best to trim down this post . . . but I just couldn't! These photos are my favorites, but are not truly indicative of the day or all of the pictures I took. Additionally, they are SOOC {except for the last one}, not for lack of wanting to edit, but I don't have the patience, time or know how!

The wedding was fabulous and such a great learning experience!








































































Many, many thanks to my girl Gina for the pep talk just a few hours before, as well as direct pointers on how to get the most out of every situation! I couldn't have done it without you!

To see all pictures from the wedding, you can check out the photostream.

How RUDE!

We're about 5 months removed from our fabulous Florida vacation. I think that 5-6 months is prime time for vacation reflection and wistfullness . . . although I have to remind myself that I was pregnant during this time! Isn't that odd?

Anywhoo, the above image is probably my most favorite of the two of us on this trip. It was mid-vacation, at a scrumptious restaurant, with some of our closest friends, while pregnant with our little man. Life was good and I think we reflect that!

In fact, I know that we reflected this feel good emotion, as many people came up to Tony {more often than me} to congratulate us. Tony positively beamed from the well wishers comments. I think he received them as the equivalent of "You done good!" :)

Imagine his surprise when an elderly gentleman approached our table, placed his hand on Tony's shoulder, leaned into his ear and . . . reprimanded him for wearing a hat at dinner!

Mind you, there was a family of tourists sitting adjacent to us, wearing shorts and flip-flops sporting baseball caps as well! I'm not saying Tony was exactly in the right, but as far as social norms at this restaurant he was not out of place.

He was so embarrassed, especially since he is such a stand up guy and had grown accustomed to the occasional good word!

Have you ever been socially admonished? What was your reaction?

Loose ends.

I feel like my life is non stop loose ends right now. I haven't been much for blogging. Obviously, that's why there haven't been many posts lol.

I woke up late yesterday morning. I heard Tony's alarm go off a few times as he hit snooze. I'd fed Isaac around 4:30 and expected it to be around 6:00-6:30 and said as much as I was reaching for my phone to check the clock. Um, 7:30. Yikes. I hadn't showered since Sunday afternoon following my soccer game, so there was no ducking out of bathing to shave off a few minutes. In order to get to work at a reasonably late hour, that meant sending Isaac to my Mom's without feeding him. To be greeted by a bottle upon arrival. :(

I should have known my day would not rebound. Getting ready has become such a chore for me, my face has been absolutely wracked by blemishes. I'm really thinking about getting Proactive again {haven't used it since my Mom paid for it in high school}.

I hopped in the car in a record 24 minutes {including shower!} and received a phone call that I'd been expecting earlier. Some disappointing news was relayed, made it that much more difficult to come into an office job that I detest. For some reason that made me hit it even harder. This of course meant I dealt with even more people, which only made my day that much worse.

Tony called me while I was doing my afternoon pumping session. I had a little bit of a breakdown on him. I didn't want to go to my photography class. Feelings of futility were overwhelming. I saw no reason to spend 3 hours away from my son for something that wasn't going to pan out.

I also haven't worked out since Sunday. Tonight I'm subbing for one of Tony's friend's team. Tomorrow night is my team and a work party. I've already said that I'm bringing Isaac. I didn't really ask and probably should have because we're leaving work early . . . but it's extending into the night and there is no way I'm attending without him!

Friday night my Dad and stepMom are having a family party, since everyone is in town for my cousin Amber's wedding. Saturday then is the big event and I've been asked to shoot at the wedding reception. Everyone do a big G-U-L-P for me. Thankfully asking me to shoot was an after thought, so I really can't fail. Of course this still doesn't really help calm my nerves, as I have my own standards to live up to!

Finally, to cap the weekend I need to find time to put in a 7 mile run, as last week's 6er was successful! Next weekend is already the Lumberjack Day's 10 mile. Craziness.

Anyone else feel like they have no control over their own schedule right now?

Pretty Discouraged.

I'm feeling pretty discouraged right now, so I'm going to stare into some chubbiness and hope for the return of the Joy of the Lord. I surely need some strength.