MiracleGro Faith

Friday, December 4, 2009

I've always been the one pegged as religious. A label which I do my best to dispel. Religion to me is not action, it is not faith, it is not a determining factor in my life.

My faith. That is something which defines me. My relationship with Jesus Christ. Sometimes it hurts when others fail to recognize this, instead deferring to the category in which I fit: Christian. It means that I'm not allowing God's love to move through me.

As any Christian though will tell you, your strength can waver. Usually when this occurs it cultures more dependence on God, resulting in an even stronger faith. I can say without a doubt that of all the predicaments I've put myself into, all of the moments of hesitancy, situations in which a favorable outcome were questionable, my faith has never been tested more than as a mother.

I wrote a bit about it here. Every time I leave Isaac or Tony, I say goodbye as if it were the last time I'm going to see them. Every time I put Isaac in the back seat to drive off I wait for him to smile to me, as if it may be the last time I am blessed to see his smile. This is not an exaggeration. Every time.

My faith is now a source of stress sometimes, as I ride the fine line of knowing we are secure in God's love and knowing that that faith does not guarantee a right to life on earth. My praying more than another mother does not bend God's ear and make Him think, "That Leah, she should be allowed to live a long life, seeing her family grow to love on their own family." It doesn't work like that and I finally have come to the realization God and I, we need to have a lot more conversations.

And I better get talking and ready to listen, especially in light of news we received today. My cousin Kristi's daughter Sarah is in the hospital now. You may remember my writing about Abbi early this summer. I wasn't a mother when Abbi first started to exhibit symptoms, I wasn't the person I am now. I was able to distance myself. Now, with Sarah? Now I know the position Kristi is in. Now, I question God. Now is when I realize I need some MiracleGro for my faith, because without my dependence on Him, we will surely not sanely survive.

16 comments:

Beth Ann said...

Wow, Leah. You have such a great way of putting your thoughts into words.
I am praying hard for your cousin Kristi and family right now.

Mrs. A said...

beautifully written Leah you have such a way with words that makes them come alive. This little Oklahoma girl is praying for your cousin!!

beeskneeslife said...

(((hugs)))

Thoughts and prayers.

I really appreciate your honesty about your faith. It is so refreshing.

jennifer said...

Your post gave me chills and I appreciated the honesty. I will keep Kristi and her family in my heart and prayers.

abby said...

I'm so sorry your family has to go through something like this again! I am praying for Sarah and her family.

And I agree that being a mother absolutely tests your faith. It's hard to imagine that anyone could know what's best for your child better than you, but God does. And it's scary to think that He could let anything remotely bad happen to them, but all we can do is trust Him and know that He has a plan for all of us.

Mrs. Lukie said...

Oh, Leah :( Praying that God tosses some MiracleGro in, around and on your family for the coming weeks ahead.

Stephanie said...

Sending prayers and hugs your way.....

Lisa said...

Beautifully written and wow...I just don't know what to say. Sometimes I cannot let these horrible stories sit in my heart too long because I'm afraid of the fear that it will forever leave behind. I am constantly worried that my husband and the baby girl growing inside of me will be taken away from me. Or that I'll be taken away from them. I try not to let that fear win, but I hope it keeps me thankful.

Andrea said...

Leah...I'm 100% with you. During our TTC journey, I had to learn the extremely difficult lesson that being a Christian does NOT guarantee an easy life. In fact, as you know, it means the opposite. God continuously tests and tries the righteous! And oh goodness, is it hard!!!

My pastor's wife recommended a book to me and I can't tell you how much it changed my perspective on trials. It's called "Trusting God Even when Life Hurts" by Jerry Bridges. Maybe throw it on your "to read" list. It's powerful.

Praying for you sister! :)

julie said...

Beautifully written. Sending lots of prayers your way for Kristi's family and Sarah.

Megan said...

You are an amazing writer. I am praying for you and for your cousin's girl. Praying God reveals Himself to you and your cousin in a very special way through all of this.

Leah said...

"My faith is now a source of stress sometimes, as I ride the fine line of knowing we are secure in God's love and knowing that that faith does not guarantee a right to life on earth."

Oh yes! I struggle with that DAILY as I kiss my son and pray for God to protect my husband while he is deployed. It is so hard sometimes!

My reaction to the second part of your post about Sarah is "No, no, no!" I remember when you wrote about Abbi and my heart and prayers go out to your cousin.

Thank you for another honest post.

Mrs.LifeAccounts said...

I understand your feelings so well, sometimes it is hard to not allow the fear to rule our lives. You and your family (including precious little sarah) will all be in my prayers!

Meredith said...

I totally understand this entire post. I'm right there with you.

I am praying for Kristi and Sarah!

C @ Project Pretty said...

Beautifully written, but so very heartbreaking. Your faith is always an inspiration, one that assures me that if I were ever in your part of the country we'd have to do coffee. You're in my prayers, sweetheart. You, and your family. God refines our faith for moments like this.

Sarah Denley said...

I know I'm a little late commenting, but this SO struck a cord. There has not been a day in Ann Peyton's life that has not been filled with worry, to some degree. Of course, having anxiety issues myself, I'm not sure there has been a day in MY life that hasn't been filled with worry to some degree. It is something I need to go before the Lord about CONSTANTLY! Great post!

 

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