Huge ball of negativity.

Friday, September 11, 2009

I'm a bit stressed right now. In seemingly every direction nothing is going well.

- Huge issue with our bank, with out an adequate solution, as they say they've exhausted protocol.

- Sneak in the praise: We paid our first mortgage payment without savings! Tony's commission has been okay due to recent county and state fair efforts.

- A surprise venture has not been going well. We thought that there would be more flexibility.

- My supply tanked on Tuesday. I'm not sure if it's because of the wedding on Saturday, as the weekends seem to be the days when I self-regulate nursing Isaac on demand. This doesn't really make sense though, because I pumped Saturday just as I would if I were at work, and Monday would have technically been my Sunday? Isaac had to have formula yesterday and no one seems to understand why this is such a big deal to me. I get it, formula is not going to cause a huge detriment to Isaac. It's not like he's going to be 6 and someone will be able to pick him out of the crowd! I care though. I know nothing different. I want this bond with my son. I want to be able to choose when we should make the transition. I don't want my body to fail us, him, because I'm at this fricken workplace without him!

- I'm throwing a bachelorette party for Nadia tomorrow. I'd be lying if I said I was excited. I'm so nervous, anxious about it combined with the other things I've listed that I feel physically sick. And now, I know why my supply has tanked. I really have been letting this get to me more than I thought.

I'm really stressed that our small party is going to go out and that it's going to be a bust. There will be 10 of us, 3 of whom are Mom's. I'm just worried that I don't remember how to have a good time and that we're just going to realize we're old.

Secondly, my tolerance is non-existent. I'm going to have to space out my drinks ridiculously in order to last the night and I in no way want to drink to excess. I've had a huge hang up with drinking lately. I never want to be placed in a situation where I willingly offer Isaac anything less than my best. Just a personal opinion, but I feel strongly about it. So I'll be virtually sober, or trying to be, which leads me back to worrying that it won't be fun enough!

I don't have anything to wear yet. I don't have the appetizers ready. Augh. This is just horrible.

I really need some peace of mind right now. I was hoping by typing this out that it would help . . . but it doesn't seem to be happening.


Meredith said...

I'm sorry Leah--it's so hard when things feel like they aren't going the way that they should be.

A kind friend of mine recently gave me a little pearl of wisdom after doing that study of Esther that is so popular right now. She told me that when I'm stressed out, I should think about what the absolute worst case scenario/result would be.

For example, I was stressed about the idea of staying home--what if Justin gets laid off? My friend pointed out that the worst case scenario would be that neither one of us could find another job, we couldn't find anyone to rent our house while we lived with relatives, and our house would be foreclosed on.

Certainly not the ideal situation, but really when you think about it, a LOT would have to go wrong in a short amount of time, and even then, I'd still be alive, my family would still be in tact, and we'd still be healthy. Yes, we'd have to start over financially and that would be difficult and not something we want to have to do. But the point is that even if the worst case scenario were to happen, we would survive .

I don't know if this longest-comment-ever will be helpful, but it was really helpful for me to think about it in this way, and I hope that maybe it might bring you some peace too.

claire @ a peachtree city life said...

i'm sure your friends will just be happy to be together. i wouldn't worry too much about it not being perfect - in my experience, it's the thought that counts and something's always as fun as the participants make it.

i'm sure once you stop being so stressed your body will start behaving like it's supposed to! :)

Jen | Our Life Accounts said...

ok, deep breaths! If you can't do anything about the surprise venture or bank issue than just focus on what you can do, I know it's hard but stressing when it's out of your control will just affect your supply even more. As for the party, I used to bartend and everyone else would be drinking and I'd be "cold sober" and still have to be "the life of the party", every single week, it is possible! Does Nadia have certain expectations for how she wants this party to be? Or are they expectations you are putting on yourself? Maybe if you try letting go of the expectations of how it should be or how it used to be and have an open mind, it'll be even more fun!

Jen | Our Life Accounts said...

or yeah...if that advice came across as wrong or just plain snotty, you could just ignore it...sometimes internet and words don't convey things like they should. That was meant to come out in a kind and friendly way! :) I'll be keeping you in my prayers!

kari said...

Leah, I'm thinking of you sweetie. Let us know how it goes.

Lisa said...

I'm so sorry Leah... Thinking of and praying for you.

Randi said...

once you get out with them, it will be so fun, maybe not like the old party days, but fun in a different way and youwill sit back and remember why you are friends with nadia and how much fun she is having will fuel you! with a drink in hand or not! shirley temples are a yummy drink to have! :) and a couple diet cokes to propel you through the evening.

everything will get done with the party planning. it always seems to work out

--isnt is always easier to tell someone how it is? it is much harder to live it!!

will be thinking about you Leah!!

Emily said...

Hang in there! You will get through this and everything will be okay!

Mrs. Southern said...

I don't really know what to say.. Sometimes there are just crappy days and you think they can't get any worse. But, you have to remember you have a husband that loves you and a healthy baby boy.

I have people ask me if I am going to nurse and I say "Yes" without hesitation. I want to nurse him so bad so he will be healthy and get all that he needs from me. But then I think, what IF I can't and what IF he won't and then I just start to worry and it's not worth it right now.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I know how you feel, it's different hanging out in large groups when you don't drink anymore or can't and you feel so old and grown up compared to others. Try to enjoy your weekend!

Faith said...

Take a deep breath and don't freak out about things that you can't control. Go out, have a beer (it'll relax you and is supposed to increase production) and just have fun! You sound like you could use a little fun at the moment so enjoy yourself!

Bree said...

So sorry about all the negativity. I have days like that, too.

Good luck tomorrow, I don't know what its like (yet) but I know I will feel the same when it comes to drinking and not wanting to be available to the fullest for baby.

Julie S. said...

Deep breaths. I am so sorry to hear about all of this. I am completely with you on wanting to be available for Isaac. We had a good friend's wedding 2 weeks ago and it was so tempting to have a drink, but I knew that it was more important for Brayden.

I hate that feeling where you should be excited for something, but you just can't get your mind to be. It will all be ok, and the fellowship will probably be just what you need.

Praying for you!

Jeannie said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. And all at once!! I have faith that your party will be a huge success and Nadia will appreciate any and all your efforts. I'll be thinking about you over the weekend and can't wait to hear how it goes.

Jen said...

Hugs! I'm sure the party will go great. I'm worried about not being much of a partier either for a friend's bachlorette in a couple weeks. Just have fun drinks or no drinks.

Sarah said...

You can do it, you can do it, you can do it. Sorry it has been pretty rough lately, try to have a great time at the party!

Meagan said...

It is so hard to balance the "New" leah with the "old" leah. I get it. Becoming a mommy changes the way we feel about certain things-its so weird!

I feel the same way. I think once you get there you will be able to relax and have a great time.

This may help with the supply issue...try eating a ton of protein and pump every hour until your supply goes back up. It is a pain, but I have heard it works! I also use a nursing mama tea that I got at babies r us.

Julia Goolia said...

HAng in there!

And can't you drink then 'pump and dump?' I sure hope so. I want that glass of wine as soon as I pop out the kid! :)

Kait said...

I felt much the same way (although obviously about different circumstances) this week. All I can share is..

"We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don't give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going." 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Katie said...

Oh Leah! I am sorry you are feeling down. Just know that you are doing a great job! If it comes down to it, when my supply went down, I asked my OB for a prescription of Reglan and it worked like crazy!! Just couldn't stay on it because of the pregnancy. I'm here if you need anything!


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