Separation

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I can't count the number of times I kissed my son yesterday, but I can tell you that the number fell far short of normal.

Tony and I started the process by dropping off my car at the park and ride, before we brought Isaac to my Mom's together. It was very surreal to be home, speaking with my Mom and Stepdad, kissing my son and then suddenly everything was very wrong. The shift in mindset finally occurred standing in the hallway of the house I grew up in . . . I wasn't visiting, I wasn't on my way to a doctor's appointment or running errands. I was leaving my son. LEAVING him.

I started kissing him and couldn't stop. Those cheeks wouldn't be within reach for a quick pick me up. I would no longer be able to take solace in his soft baby noises. His warm body would not be taking refuge in mine. I tried to stay up beat and rigid at the same time, but failed at both. I attempted to place him in my Mom's arms and quickly ripped him back, my Mom telling me to only proceed as I was ready. Such a stupid word for a painful situation, there is no "ready."

Once I finally did place him in her arms, I basically ran out the door. Tony was right behind me and caught and held me as I cried in my childhood yard. Those deep deep sobs that you don't know where they come from, but understand them completely. It didn't stop my tears to look in my husband's face to find his own.

The car ride in was virtually silent. Speaking at work came difficultly. Eventually I began to warm up, most of my coworkers were very cordial and polite in their space. I called my Mom a few times. I could hear him in the background. I didn't really listen to her words, I only wanted to hear him. She joked that I should mind the way I drove to come pick him up. She was right to. I've never been in more of a desperate hurry in my life.

My arms ached all day for the moment I viewed him and held him again.

People keep telling me that it will get better and that I'll be okay. I don't want to be okay. I don't want to become numb to his absence. I'm scared of the day when I'm thankful to drop him off. I know that it will eventually come, I've seen it, heard it from other mother's. I want to fend it off.

6 comments:

Newlywed Next Door said...

Oh honey -- I wish I could give you a big hug! I've been reading your journey, and just wanted you to know that you're so amazing. Thank so much for sharing this with us.

Chelsy said...

I know there are no words that will provide comfort...and not being a mom myself I have no advice...but I wanted to say that I'm praying for you. If it helps, my mother worked and my sister and I were watched by my grandparents. I would have never had such a wonderful relationship with them or so many memories of them if they had not been my caretakers throughout childhood.

julie said...

I can't say anything to take the pain that you are feeling away- but I can tell you that you are so inspiring and I love reading this candid take on what it's like to go back to work after having a baby. You are amazing and you have an amazing family...hang in there...

Mrs.LifeAccounts said...

My mother worked when my brother and I were born but quit soon after I was born. Unfortunately, my dad and brothers decided to flip a house and my dad's brothers deserted him and left him holding the bag and out a whole lot of cash. Needless to say, my mom had to go back to work for another couple of years and she was NOT happy. She said to realize her dream of staying home with us only to have it yanked back so quickly was one of the hardest things she ever went through. It also created a strain my parents relationship (evidenced by the three-year gap between my younger sister and I instead of the 1.5-2 year gap between all the rest of my siblings). I wish I had more to offer, but I don't. If you had to go back would you have waited longer to have Isaac so you could stay home with him? I would guess that it's already hard to imagine life without him. It won't always be this way! God will get you through in the meantime and you'll have lots of people praying for you!

Erin said...

Hey Leah, I am (was?) a fellow YH Nestie. I've been following your journey, you guys are such an awesome family. I'm so sorry for your heartache, I hurt for you reading this. My irrational suggestion is to sell everything you own and stay home with him.:) That probably isn't helping! Praying for you! Erin

fallgirly said...

I'm so sad for you. :( And me here soon.

 

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