Last Day of Leave

Friday, June 12, 2009

Well, I've had my first ugly cry. Really, ugly doesn't even come close to describing it. I had to cover Isaac's ears because I kept startling him.

Oh my gosh, I feel like I'm dying. I literally already feel like someone will have removed my heart to be without him. It's just compounded because I hate my job so much. It's no where near worth leaving him for. If I thought I was a lemming as an MC at Target, I had no idea what I was talking about.

He just started smiling at us. This week. His whole face brightens upon recognition. And I have to walk away from that for the worst job I've ever held.
I don't know how I will force my body to leave him. How I will relinquish these moments to someone else. I know I'm not special, most mom's face this challenge. I just didn't know how hard something could be. I've conquered numerous physical challenges a torn ACL, 1/2 marathon and natural childbirth. Give me a physical pain, but not this emotional torture.
I'm really wishing Tony and I had made some different choices proceeding his arrival. Oh hind sight. I think over the course of the weekend that his cheeks may chap from my kissing them.
To make matters worse, Tony's having a break down of his own. The new job that he took is not as marketable as he was told and he is having extreme issues with selling the product because of that. He basically feels like he is lying to people and it is at the cost of his integrity. We're going to see if we can make it by him picking up a few part time jobs, the lucrative pay is not worth what this is doing to my husband. But it does mean that at my worst Tony is now relying on my support and I'm not sure what I have to give him.

41 comments:

C said...

I don't have any words that I really believe will comfort you, friend, but I do know that our Heavenly Father has a plan for you and your family and that He answers prayer. So you can add mine to the stack that I'm sure will be sent up for you. ;)

The Wellingtons said...

You are a couple of months ahead of me as my little boy is due in 4 weeks, but I already fear the day that you are facing now. I too am in a job I despise... I had been so looking forward to quitting after our baby was born, but a couple months ago, I realized I needed to be open to what God had for us and not just what I wanted... which for us means that when our little boy is 6 weeks old, I'll be returning part-time to this dreaded job. My husband will be also looking for new work, or at least a 3rd job (he already works 2) to get us through for a while in hopes that I can return to stay at home with the boy. Anyway... I wish I had some encouragement other than just to share that I am another woman who will soon understand. I hate that I'll have to leave him, especially so early, but I am just walking in faith that the Lord knows the desires of our hearts and this will not be forever. My heart breaks for you as I see that adorable smile on your sweet boy, but I will pray that you will soon have a light at the end of the tunnel and that God will provide for you, whether it be peace and trust as you continue to work, or perhaps a new opportunity you would have never expected.
-Melissa (stay-at-home mom wannabe)

AmberDenae said...

Awww, Leah...this post broke my heart. I am so sorry you are under this emotional turmoil right now. Bless your heart. I hope and pray that God makes a way for you to be able to stay home with Isaac soon, that God will open an AMAZING door of opportunity for Tony to have a job that he enjoys and that pays above and beyond what you all need. Bless your hearts. You are in my prayers today.

((HUGS))

Beth Ann said...

Oh Leah, I am so sorry that you are going through all this right now. I cannot imagine what you are dealing with having to leave Isaac to go back to a job you hate. I really hope that everything gets better for you.

I love the pictures of Isaac's smiles. What a precious little guy!

Sarah said...

Lots of prayers coming your way, especially for peace and clarity during this frustrating time. The verse from Jeremiah in your blog header is so true, isn't it?

Jenifer said...

You are not alone. I had to go back to work in March and felt the same way. I cried for days leading up to it. I was nervous, scared and angry over it. But we found a great caregiver and work went back to being the same as it always was. I miss my son terribly during the days but I know he is safe, happy and loved. And my husband and I have to work whether we want to or not. It is just something we have to do. The days will get easier. And everyone feels this way. Trust me. I often thought about quitting and be a stay at home mom with our son. But we couldn't afford it. And we wanted him to know other children and to be socialized at an early age. And with me staying at home it just wasn't what was best for us. We provide for him everyday that we go to work and because of this we feel like he is well taken care of. Yes we miss him. But we have to do things we do not want to. It will get easier for you.

d.a.r. said...

My heart is just totally breaking for you two right now. I am praying that God has a better plan and will take care of you guys so that you are in a situation where Tony is happier and you are content. I know you beautiful boy will be well cared for and loved by your mom, but I also get that it doesn't make it a lot easier.

Hang in there girl.

kathleen said...

Nothing I can say can make this better for you, but remember that your job is NOT worthless. It is putting a roof over little Isaac's head and keeping him in health insurance, diapers, and onesies. You might be a lemming, but you are a lemming with a purpose.

Sarah said...

My heart goes out to you and Tony. You are SO strong. You will get through this!

Jeremy and Mindy said...

Oh sweetie {{hugs}} it is so hard to leave our lil ones. It is a mother's heart, and it can't be replaced. Never. I'll be praying for you.

Mrs. Dirnberger said...

I have no words to make going back to your horrible job better...Hopefully God has something great planned for your whole family, something wonderful in the making!!! I wish nothing but the best for your last weekend at home :)

Amy said...

I am not due for another 4 months or so and I am already dreading this day. I can wholeheartedly say I am jealous and envious of stay at home moms.

Im sure the first few weeks will be rough but you will transition into it! it's not fun when noone likes thier job!!!

Leslie G said...

I'll tell you what- childcare is much easier to think about and swallow before your child gets here. The thought of leaving your most prized possession at a daycare provider doesn't seem that bad when you are still pregnant, but when he or she arrives, it is a tough, emotional battle, you know? It's something you just don't understand until you form that bond with your little one, so don't beat yourself up over any decisions you made (or didn't make) before Isaac was here! Thankfully I've been fortunate to stay at home mostly, but the times I do go into work, all I do is think about Cameron. I'm hardly productive!
From what I take on The Bump, most moms struggle with leaving their babies for the first few times, and it slowly gets easier. You are not alone! I'm sorry you have such a cruddy job- I pray that in the very near future that you are able to find a better fit for you, be it a new job or a job as a SAHM.

Leslie G said...

And on a positive, bright note, Isaac is such a handsome little guy. Those smiles are what life is about! Cam used to have that same shirt from Target... until he blew out his diaper SO BAD, I just cut it off of him! =) Sorry, TMI maybe? Lol!

Mrs. McB said...

I am so sorry..... I will be praying for you. :)

S. said...

What a hard transition for all of you! You will be in our prayers. Hang in there.

Bluebird said...

Wow. I really admire your husband for not wanting to stay in a job that he feels like compromises his integrity. I also think you are supporting him a lot more than you think you are. You're a strong woman. I can't imagine how hard it will be for you to leave your little guy on Monday, and my heart breaks for you.

I believe God has a specific plan for you and your family, and will honor every ounce of support you give your husband. I also think that for every minute away you are from your son, the time that you are with him will be that much more joyful.

He's a great looking baby! His smile is precious. **hugs** My prayers will be with you, especially on Monday.

Sarah Denley said...

I know what you are going through cannot be easy. BUT at least he will be in good hands...you're not leaving him with a strangers that you have to constantly wonder if they have his best interest at heart. And there are many moments you will NOT miss...think about our soldiers (moms and dads) who miss entire MONTHS of their children's lives. I'm not trying to be harsh, just offer some perspective ;) You are strong and you will get yourself (and your husband and baby) through this difficult time!

MyRunningJourney said...

Leah, I'm praying for you and your family. I can't imagine how difficult this must be. Remember that God never gives you more than you can handle, whether you think you can handle it or not!

Madeline said...

All I say say/"do" is be thinking of you and sending you tons of positive thoughts and energy.
Sometimes emotional pain is A LOT worse than any physical pain!!
Virtual hugs being sent your way!

Meredith said...

I'm sorry that you're in this situation Leah, and I'll be praying for your family lots in the next day or so.

I'm sure you've already been there and done this, but I really want to encourage you to pray over the course of the next few days about what God's calling you to do. It's hard, but try to remember that there's a specific reason that you're where you're at in life. There's a REASON for the terrible awful job, and it isn't to harm you--will it open the door for something else that WOULD allow you to stay home with Isaac? Will it teach you something in your faith?

Still...it's hard, and I'm sorry.

Becky said...

oh-you are just melting my heart right now...I just wish there was some way I could say it's all going to be okay. I know this is so hard for you and I can't even start to imagine what you are feeling...praying for you and thinking of you now...much love, Becky

Little Miss Southern said...

I am so sorry! You have such a great heart, and it hurts me to hear you sad :(

Jen said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I'll pray that the job situation improves for you and Tony.

Dee said...

Hey Leah-
I am so sorry. I am not in your place exactly but I would do *anything* to quit this job. I hate it. Hate it hate it HATE IT. Its only gotten worse here and Im sorry you have to come back to it :(

There might be a job option for your husband. I am not sure how much he makes though so I dont know how it would be pay wise. My husbands company is looking for people but, its in a machine shop. Not very glamorous to say the least.

I feel your pain. I really do. As soon as my husband tells me I can quit my job, I will. No questions asked. I hope it gets better. Just know I work with you and feel the same way.

Andrea said...

Leah,
I'm so sorry you are having a hard time with this. What mom wouldnt'?? Especially with a job she hates? Hang in there. You know there is perfect plan for you and Tony. Have faith.

Oh and smother that boy all you want in kisses :) I don't think he'll mind!

Ashley said...

You are in my thoughts so often---I'm praying these different situations are resolved soon. God has a plan! I know it must be so hard; love to you!

Katie said...

I am BEYOND sorry you are going through this! You are strong and I know you can do it. Make sure that you are taking good care of yourself.

Leah said...

Awww! This post made me feel so sad for you. I'll be praying!

fah said...

I'm so sorry you both are going through a tough time. You'll get through it though. I'd get through anything getting to come home and pinch those chubby little cheeks Isaac has.

Dunc said...

Oh goodness Leah, I am sorry - the fact that others face this same situation does not make it any less difficult. I hope that you can have some peace and comfort knowing that your mom will be the one to look after him, and that better days are ahead :-)

Joi said...

I have no words of wisdom for you but you guys are definitely in my thoughts and prayers.

And your little guy's smile is simply perfect.

Kaitlyn said...

I know nothing I say can comfort you, but know that my prayers are with you and you are in my thoughts Leah.

Sarah said...

Oh, Leah. I'm so sorry. I will be praying for you all weekend.

Rebecca said...

Leah I'm so sorry that you're going through such a hard time. I'm praying now, and I will continue to do so.

Blue-Eyed Bride said...

oh, leah.... my heart breaks just reading this. i'm so sorry that you and tony are both struggling right now. find the joy that you can every day in your precious precious boy and hurry home to him at the end of the day. i'll be praying for you and for tony to get through this rough patch. if you ever need to email me to vent please know that i'm here.

Chelsea said...

oh leah, my heart is breaking for you. i can't even imagine how hard that must be. but just think of that amazing smiling face that you get to home to! :)

Heidi said...

Just wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you and hope that everything works out for you. You sure have a cutie-pie of a boy!

Chelsie said...

leah my heart is breaking for you! I will be praying for you and Tony.

Kelsey said...

[[[[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]]]]]]

Thinking of you today.

LyndsAU said...

Leah, I am so sorry you are going through this tough time!! I can't imagine what it will be like leaving my little girl! You are a wonderful wife and mother and don't forget that. I will be thinking and praying for you!

 

Blog Design by Nudge Media Design | Powered by Blogger