In not so fun news . . .

Thursday, May 28, 2009

I had my first break down the other night. Isaac has been going through a phase in which he's awake for around 4-5 hours, during which he eats 90% of the time and sleeps of fusses the remaining 10%. While this in itself is doable, all of the sudden he is very difficult to put down to sleep for the night. For a few weeks I was very successful on the transition from feeding to getting up from the bed to laying him in the pack and play . . . so far this week, I would say it's been a major FAIL.

It all just came to a head. I've just been trying to do too much. Tony's got his plate extraordinarily full between working two jobs, being the director of a softball league, maintaining the exterior of the house and trying to finish his house projects. So, I try to do everything else, basically everything regarding Isaac, laundry, dishes, meals, shopping and keeping up the house. After 4 failed attempts at putting Isaac down, I finally just lost it. It doesn't help that all of the sudden my back has been going painfully numb due to feeding the bed.

I just dropped to my knees on the side of the bed, with my arms outstretched on the bed in attempt to relieve my back and started sobbing. I just can't figure out why it's been getting more difficult this week. I'm trying so hard. For Isaac. For Tony. So hard. And it just hit like a ton of bricks that my best wasn't good enough. So as Isaac cried his unsatiable cry, Tony did his best to comfort me and again proved to be my rock. God surely knew what He was doing paring us together. Like a miracle worker Tony calmed Isaac and after a period of time was successful his first time at putting Isaac to bed. And then we slept.

To add to the not so funness, I thought I would sprinkle in our plans for Isaac's care when I go back to work. My Mom has done in home day care for the past 20+ years {even winning a provider of the year award this year!} and will be caring for Isaac. Before everyone tells me how great it is, please know that while it is a blessing to not worry about his care or if he is getting care, I still do not see this as great. It still means that I am not with him. That I will be getting a phone call from my Mom to tell me with great excitement what he has accomplished for the first time. But it won't be me as his Mom to witness it, it'll be his Grandma. I'm slowly coming to terms with this, but it isn't easy. From the first day that we brought him home I have been dealing with resentment towards my Mom that she will be the one who gets to be with him {the hormones don't stop with the pregnancy lol!}. It doesn't help that everyone I know either is in a position to quit their jobs or they have 12 weeks. It's just not fair.

28 comments:

Dee said...

Oh LEah, I am so sorry. I would love to tell you it gets easier to leave your child at daycare, but it doesnt. I still yearn very much to be with MY baby. You know what helped though? I specifically told my daycare providers to NEVER tell me when she does something new. And until I say I saw her doing something, to just not bring it up. It helped a lot and for the most part, they were really coopertive. :)

Kristal said...

First, I've always heard that babies sleep great for the first few weeks, then they get over being newborns and go through a much less stable stage. Sounds like little Isaac has hit that point. :( Thank God for Tony. And I'm confident that you are doing an amazing job, Leah.

Second, I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with leaving him. It is a blessing to have your mom care for him, but I absolutely understand your resentment. :( Hang in there.

Kristal said...

OK, I just read Dee's comment about never having the daycare tell her about new things...love that idea! Obviously doesn't fix everything, but maybe it would help?

Katie said...

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. For us, things got significantly easier at 2 months. You are doing a great job momma!!

Don't worry about missing too much, babies love their mommies. You are and always will be his favorite!

kerri said...

I totally agree with Dee...a friend of mine had that agreement with her daycare and it worked out great for her. Maybe your mom can do the same?
My little girl is 2 weeks older than Issac and we have just gotten through the very stage that Issac is in...hang in there...she just turned 6 weeks on Sunday and things have been really good the past few days...but it was a very long and hard 2-3 weeks.
I know this is easier said than done but...enjoy the next couple of weeks...once you go back and get into a rhythm...for you and for him...everything will become easier. The anticipation of being away from him is going to be far worse than the actual...I wish you the best.

Mrs.LifeAccounts said...

While you may not get to stay home with your child, it's a lot more difficult to leave your child with a complete stranger than someone who you know will take really good care of him. I have a friend who was stuck using a daycare that she didn't feel totally comfortable with because she had no alternative options...and with all the recent news headlines about shaken baby syndrome resulting at the hands of some day care providers, try and focus on the positives in the situation. While you may not want to hear from everyone about how good they think you have it, I think that God has blessed you with the comfort of knowing you are leaving your child in good hands.

My mother was going to be taking care of my children (after raising 8 of her own) however, she suffered from 2 freak torn retinas in both eyes in a period of a couple months and went from having perfect vision to being nearly blind. Unfortunately this means my children will be with complete strangers telling me about their accomplishments rather than me being able to share this with my mother.

oh and p.s. it doesn't get any easier after 12 weeks.

Alicea (mnbride1013) said...

I'm so sorry :( I'm sure it will get better and know you're not alone. I think every mother goes through this. You won't miss out on all his "firsts" - there will be plenty of those you will be right there for sure, I'm sure!

Kelsey said...

Leah, you are such a strong woman and you are so quick to pile burdens on your own shoulders for the benefit of those around you. Please remember that nobody does this alone! For thousands of years, cultures have lived in extended family settings and EVERYONE took a hand in caring for the baby. There is no shame in asking for help, and you will feel much better for it.

We will pray for some respite to Isaac's sleeping problems so you and Tony can both rest tonight.

One idea-- could you and Tony trade for a day this weekend? He could leave some home improvement stuff for you (painting or something?) and take Isaac for the day. It may be a welcome change and opportunity for all three of you!

abby said...

Is it bad for me to say that I'm surprised this is the first breakdown you've had? Not at all because of who you are personally, I guess I just always assumed breakdowns were inevitable for every new mother as they adjusted to the incredible changes taking place in their life. Maybe this is just me preparing for the worst again :) At any rate, I'm so happy that you're blessed with a husband that has the ability to calm you (and your baby, apparently) when needed!

And regarding daycare...I have a friend who's daycare provider is her MIL. So it could be worse :) I totally see where you're coming from with the resentment though.

julie said...

Leah, I am so sorry that you had your first breakdown, but it is such a blessing to see how you know that the Lord put you and Tony together for a reason. :)

And I couldn't imagine leaving my kids with my mom while I was out working...I completely understand your resentment. Even worse, I couldn't see mine with my in-laws for that long of time either. BUT it could be worse- it could be a stranger...I totally see your point. Hang in there!

Madeline said...

Sweetie, I know as a new mom this is a wonderful/overwhelming/learning curve of an experience! Just know some days are always going to be worse than others!!!

And I know it's going to be hard going back to work and leaving your little guy. But really sweetie, it could be SO MUCH WORSE. Yes, you won't be there, but his grandma will!!! A lot of mom's would KILL for that. Instead they get a daycare full of strangers taking care of their baby.

I really think the positives outweight the negatives in your situation by a landslide! And you know your mom will give you the play by play in great detail with pictures and video :)

Joi said...

Hang in there Leah. : )

C said...

Aw sweetheart. I have no advice since I know nothing about having kids & all the hormones and everything, but I will be praying for you. I'm sure you'll get through this with HIS help! ;) *hugs*

Meredith said...

Although I can't totally relate, I can a bit--to the frustration that we seem to be working much harder than others.

It occurred to me the other day that if I were to stop working, we'd qualify for all kinds of state-assistance that would actually result in MORE free money than we have now. It's incredibly frustrating to feel like as hard as we're working, we're still hardly making it work!

The daycare situation is one that I'm slowly resigning myself to as well. I hate that it's probably going to be my reality as well...it really frustrates me!

Mrs. Dirnberger said...

Just cry all you need to you! You are so lucky to have the husband you and I although I haven't been there (yet) I can only imagine. I can imagine the pain and hurt you are feeling about leaving Issac behind and heading back to work...I feel for you!

*~Angie~* said...

So I know I don't know you AT ALL, (I fell upon your blog through a friend's and was instantly intrigued as I am also a mommy and expecting my 2nd!) but I just wanted to let you know hang in there and I know exactly what you are going through. I have a 3 year old son, Ethan, that goes to a day care center but just part time while my mom watches him 2 days a week to save us some money! She is also one of the first people to babysit if we need. I love that she is able to watch him but I do hate that sometimes it seems she will see him more than me! And a lot of times seems he even behaves better when he is at Grandmas! lol

I agree with Madeline that it could be a lot worse tho too! I am terrified with my baby coming because she will be starting at the daycare center practically as soon as she turns 6 weeks so I can go back to work and I hate it! Ethan didnt start at a real daycare til he was 1 so this is all new to me. I would much rather have her be with my mom all week, even though I would probably be jealous too! lol I am proud of you for just now having your first break down, u had quite a run then without one! Breastfeeding will do that to ya! ;) Thank goodness for your husband, he sounds like he has been really supportive. Good luck!

Jen said...

The sleep situation gets better, I promise. Issac's probably going through his first major growth spurt.

Freckles Chick said...

You're doing your best, Leah! Noone can deny that. My mom worked 2 jobs when I was a baby and though she regrets the time away from us, knowing what she did for us instilled the deepest love, work ethic, and integrity into our character.

Amy said...

Ditto on pretty much everyone else has said. It's going to be hard to leave the baby regardless. I am already worried about it (and picturing myself crying for the first few weeks) and I've got 4 more months to go, lol! i don't think leaving your child ever gets easy......

It is a blessing your mom is watching himb but i totally get your resentment. I get to resent a total stranger, and that part scares me to death!!!!

Amber said...

Like others said, cry if you need to. It always feels better after a good cry. I'm still waiting for my first to arrive, but I'm sure the sleeping thing will get better with time. Hang in there! Your doing great!

AJ said...

::hugs:: I know it'll be hard to leave him with your mom. It's hard to leave him in general. Just remember that he will be in trustworthy, loving, caring hands. With someone who loves him almost as much as you do. Aside from you or Tony, who else would you trust most?

Wanderluster said...

You're doing your best Leah and Isaac knows that :) Maybe he is going through a growth spurt (hence the fussiness). My Chloe was just the same last week and only my hubby was able to get her to calm down. The 5 S's from the "Happiest Baby on the Block" book helped too, in case you haven't tried that (I swear, the swaddle is a miracle invention!).

Even if Grandma will be the one to witness some precious moments, you will always be Isaac's Mom... the one to comfort him, support him, and guide him through life. Nothing can take that away! :)

Becky said...

Oh bless your heart! I can't imagine all the changes you must be experiencing and feeling right now. God has the ultimate plan for you, and He intended for this baby to be here and for YOU to be his Mommy! No matter what that is how it will be :) Right now you are in a valley, but YOU will be the one to experience the climb and the achievement of raising this child. You will always be his Momma no matter who cares for him during the day....I'm praying for you! Much love, Becky

Q. and La. said...

Our men keep us grounded yah!? Us Mom's are totally allowed to have breakdowns! Plus nursing in bed! so hard!

Meagan said...

Oh honey, you are amazing. Everyone is going to break down sometime. Thats just human nature. We cant be supermammas. But if it helps, honestly you are awesome doing so much!! I know it can seem like the wold is on your shoulders but you just have to leave these things up to God. I know how you feel about leaving the babe..my mom is watching our son too and I'm so worried. Imagine what I would be like if he had to be in daycare!?! I would be a wreck! And my mom (like yours) is an amazing daycare provider. and an amazing christian woman! haha. Whenever I get overwhelmed I always look to philippians 4:8 and try and think and pray on what is pure and good (like God's love and all of our blessings) And it helps me out a lot.

<3

Meagan

Julia said...

I have to agree with Madeline and Mrs.LifeAccount on this one, Leah. I would KILL to live in the same city as my mom and even have the option for her to by my daycare. But I am fully aware that when we have kids, I'll have to hunt down some random strangers to take care of my baby and that thought alone makes me sick. The cost of it makes me even sicker.

Please try to look at the positive on this one b/c if you can't quit your job and stay home [I don't know ANYONE who can at our age, but that's just me] who better than the woman who raised you to help play a role in Isaac's life. You will always be his mom and will share tons of great memories with your little man.

Hang in there and stay positive --you are one tough cookie and a fabulous mom!

Blue-Eyed Bride said...

As always, I love your honesty. Hang in there. I'll be praying for you, Isaac, and Tony. Your baby will find his routine soon and it's better that it's YOUR mom and not a stranger. What a blessing. But I totally understand your concerns and fears. You're doing great!

Megan said...

Leah, tears welled up in my eyes reading this because I COMPLETELY understand. I even understand it when you said you are feeling resentment towards your Mom... I feel that way towards our daycare provider, and towards my husband for not "letting" me stay home with him. You're right... the hormones don't stop with pregnancy. :)

 

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