So I've decided.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

That no matter what, I need to take time for myself in the morning. I will run, no matter what time I get up.

*Oh and I had a phone interview with Thompson West for the Sen Admin to the VP of Marketing.

Crazy, crazy nonsense

So Thursday I have a touchbase with my HR rep Brad. I wasn't quite sure how I was going to approach all of my events in the past month, but he did all of the leading. Here's our conversation.

Brad: So getting into Marketing is difficult, but you say you have experience in ISM and you're Senior, so.
Me: No, I'm not Senior.
Brad: Oh, well, when did you start?
Me: November.
Brad: Just this past Nov?
Me: No, of '06.
Brad: Okay . . . so how's that coming.
Me: Well, funny you should ask. It came out through a GAPS review that it is my supervisors opinion that I'm unhappy, but that my communication ability and personality are strengths and that I continue to rise above and beyond. It's their opinion that I should move to a new placement.
Brad: Well, how about going for Senior?
Me: No, I'm under the impression that the move would be without Senior and that what ever set back I face in moving to a new dept, I would face that much challenge if I stay in dept and try for Senior.
Brad: So have you talked to your manager about Senior.
Me: (growing more frustrated) No, not past the conversation that led me to believe that I will not get Senior in dept for 4-6 months and that they think I should move to a new dept.
Brad: Okay, well do you think I should have this conversation with him?
Me: Um, sure (knock yourself out, can't hurt).

So then I get back in dept, where my Senior Buyer, aka boss's boss, asks if we can have our touchbase 24 hours sooner than anticipated, as in right that second. Okay sure, she says jump, automatically I ask how high.

So we touchbase, and have a good conversation. Just as I'm about to leave, thinking that I dodged a bullet by choking through a tb I wasn't prepared for she asks "So how are things going?" Dun, dun, dun.

Me: Good, good.
Alisa: I hear that you're ready to fly solo and are looking to move on?
Me: Yes, that was the plan, but I just spoke with Brad W and he wasn't too keen on the idea, and thought I should have senior first.
Alisa: Now why would he think that?
Me: Well he seems to think that moving without Senior will not help me in the future.
Alisa: OH WELL IF THAT'S THE CASE WE'LL JUST SUBMIT THAT AND PUSH IT THROUGH.
Me: Oh, um, well I was under the impression that even if it was a set back that it would be the same amount of time I would be in dept before I received Senior.
Alisa: No, no, if Brad thinks you should have Senior, then of course we'll work on that. We have a whole list of rockstar things you've done.
Me: Oh okay.
Alisa: I'll talk to Brad.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?

This is a potential $4 raise, coupled with my yearly merit increase, and you're just going to toss that around nonchalantly?! Then again, my SB's annual bonus is the same as my salary, so we are talking peanuts.

Every waking moment.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

This song has been in my head, when I wake and when I sleep. It's my hearts cry right now.

I've had enough of living life for only me
And reaching just for the things that keep destroying me
So sick of envying the lives of so many I see
Somehow believing that they have what I need

My God's enough for me
This world has nothing I need
In this whole life I've seen
My God's enough, enough for me

I can't explain why I suffer though I live for You
Those who deny You they have it better than I do
Cover my eyes now so that my heart can finally see
That in the end only You mean anything

My God's enough for me
This world has nothing I need
In this whole life I've seen
My God's enough, enough for me

Who have I in heaven but You
Nothing I desire but You
My heart may fail but not You
You are mine forever

Where I'm at.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Well last weekend was the long awaited and high anticipated Hagen trip to Chicago! Two of our dearest friends, Matt and Angeli had a wedding to go to in Chicago and seeing as how we’re self proclaimed, but unproven “travel buddies” we joined them.

We headed out the door at 7:30 am Friday, picked up Angeli, then Matt from work, and were on our way, before we stopped for Caribou, a gas station, Super Target and Old Navy lol. Needless to say we took our time on the road, but finally arrived in Northbrook, just North of Chicago, where we promptly boarded a train that took us the 45 minutes into Chicago. We were able to pay $1 for parking the whole weekend as opposed to $100 in the city! We took a taxi in from Union Station, and arrived at the Inter-Continental at roughly 7:00. After a brief bit of freshening up we were walking to Gino’s where we ordered some fantastic deep dish pizza. Pepperoni for the boys and spinach for the girls, the crust I kid you not, was like cornbread, very different. After that we went in search of somewhere to “go out,” and walked a few miles, before we called it a night and went back to the hotel room. They taught us how to play Hearts and we taught them how to drink, just kidding. But seriously, Angeli had half of an Arbor Mist mini bottle and she was asking if she had alcohol poisoning, absolutely hilarious. I couldn’t have had more fun, even though we were exhausted.

The next morning we got up bright and early and did some walking, and by some, I mean we walked to Millennium Park, the Shed Aquarium, back up to the Water Works building, back over to Ed Debevnicks. It was some serious insane walking, but we were with good company.

By the end of the weekend, I was more sick of Tony than I was of Matt and Angeli, which I see as both a good and a bad thing. Saturday night, Tony and I had a miscommunication that resulted in him yelling at me in the middle of a piano bar, completely public. I was not happy and started to cry, and then he started in on other things, like my not being happy and the effect it has on him. It was ridiculous and even though he apologized and I had to “move on,” we talked about it last night, because I still had a few things mulling. He completely blanket apologized over things that I thought should have been examined more.

So last night we talked again . . . and I tried to not be my Mother. I’m trying to get to the bottom of my unhappiness right now and it makes it difficult to communicate, because I end up saying “I don’t know a lot” and that frustrates Tony even more. I think it’s a combination of my work and that I feel I am completely defined by Tony. It’s not so much an identity crisis, because I was prepared to become the “we” necessary for a successful marriage, but I’m critiquing him a lot I think, because if he is me, and represents me then I want more from him, even though I don’t actually want to change him. I married him for a reason, and that was not because of who he could become, but simply the man that he was and is.

I just can't do it.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

So I haven't entirely captured what I'm going through at work, but to encapsulate it, I'm unhappy. Because of this unhappiness I will not be promoted and my buyer believes that the best course of action is a transfer to another department. However, I'm executing my currect work well, I'm asking for additional responsibility, and my strengths are my excellent communication and personality. So basically I'm a joy to be around, but unhappy. How's that for clarity.

I just don't know how to handle it. My job at Target is fine, just fine, but I know I can do so much more. And that's the problem, I should be happy with my job, but I just can't bring myself to be. I should be happy with my life, but I just won't stop there. I want more, but not in an unsatiable way, just a change and progress are always better than being stagnant.

Because of this unhappiness, Tony is my world. He shouldn't be. No man can provide the entire happiness of another being. It just shouldn't be that way, because he can't succeed. He will always fail, which only adds to the dissappointment and unhappiness.

And so, it's now affecting my husband, based on his latest email.

Leah,

Your "I love You's, Good Mornings and Goodnights" are quickly disappearing from your vocabulary and being replaced by
"You need to" and "You haven't yets". The past 3 mornings you have started the day by saying "you need to"...
This morning was something about "You need to do something about your alarm clock." We were barely awake! STOP IT!
What you are doing is exactly what you hated your mom doing when you were living at home before we got married.
Then you come upstairs and give me that raised eyebrow look, (Which is happening very frequently) and tell me you don't know why you are doing it. YOU DO KNOW and you just don't want to say! And if for some reason you really don't know, then we have a different kind of problem all together. Either way, its not good and it is happening way too much.
I feel like you are trying to change everything I do, you even joked about it last night in the car.
You are my wife, not a parental figure, please stop treating me like one.
Support is what I expect, I don't feel like I am getting it and I feel like I am being criticized from you for everything I do.

I really want to talk to you about this, but if I try you get pissed off, quiet and dont tell me how you really feel.
So I am sending you this email telling you we NEED to figure this out and some things need to change.
 

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