Almost 24 hours later.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

This is so hard. So so very hard. I want to crawl into a hole, but it can't be my bed, because my bed is where she's supposed to be.

She was there for almost every major moment of my life, save my parents divorce and my freshman and sophomore years of college. So faithful, so consistent. Always there when I cried.

One second she was there, literally in my arms, figuratively everywhere I looked . . . and then supposedly with my blessing, she left me, and now my mind just plays tricks on my me.

I didn't do much other than cry yesterday. Again, not in bed, I couldn't face the bed, but on the couch. I didn't face the bed until about 10:30 last night. I couldn't get comfortable, my arms didn't know where to go. Tony joined me a few minutes after I'd tried unsuccessfully. I was quietly crying, but lost it when he came up behind me and intertwined his arms with mine. He wasn't supposed to be able to do that. That action would disturb Bridgit. His arms, while comforting me, were screaming at the same time, "She's gone!" I attribue your prayers to how quickly sleep fell upon me while crying, it seemed mercifully fast.

The house seems too quiet. There is no clomping of her back claws as she makes her way up and down the stairs {she could no longer take them normally, so her back legs kind of hopped down}, no pestering meowing for me every time I go into the kitchen {an attempt to score any kind of additional food}, the ping of her front feet on the water bowl {as she always managed to hit it as she did the traditional scrape before drinking}. I can't go to the bathroom in peace, either because as soon as I open the door, I'm assaulted by the sight of two, not three cats. The heat has come on a few times as I write this and I should see her, right now in front of the register. I should, I should.

Tony's been so good to me, grabbing me and holding me when I need it, saying all of the right things {I love him, but he doesn't normally say the right thing}. I just can't open up to him. He's sharing his remorse with me, and aside from crying with him, I can't verbalize any of these feelings. Did I say that she slept with me Thursday night, in it's entirety? The whole night, in my arms. I just don't know who I am. How could I have done this to my Bitty Kitty? Who is this person? I want her back. I wasn't ready.

To you readers, please know how much I appreciate your comments. They are what build a community out of blogging and honestly, aside from my family, you have provided more support than my most of my friends IRL. I just want to say, that this post really is for me. I know when blogs turn too negative that they can be a drain to read. I thought about turning the comments off for this just to save some of you the pain of conjuring up a response. I hope you understand when I say, I really don't need it. I just needed to get these thoughts out. If you're over the cat grief, I completely understand and I covet your position, someday, hopefuly soon, I'll be there too.

10 comments:

LeeAnn said...

I'm so sorry Leah. I can relate. I lost the dog I grew up with 1.5 years ago now. I couldn't believe how hard it was losing her.

Jennifer said...

We're all here for you Leah.

Chelsie said...

I know you say you don't need any responses but just know that I will continue to pray and think of you guys. Our pets are more than just pets. They are our friends, our confidants, our faithful companions, the ones we turn to when we are sad and need to cuddle. Take all the time you need to grieve and vent about it. Know that your readers will always be hear to listen and offer support!

ka1t_lyn said...

Even though you don't need any responses, I still want to leave one. To tell you that we are all here, and praying for you. I know you feel like you just lost a child. I have a dog that has seizures-- 8 back to back last night. We can't "put her down" becuase she is like our baby girl. Your grief is natural and normal, and I am so glad Tony is there trying to help you cope. So you know, I for one will always read no matter the content-- happy or sad.

bekah said...

I dont think that you would have ever been ready. Its not something you wanted to happen. Brigit was ready, and you helped her thought that. You cant have her back, but you CAN know that you helped her avoid the pain that she most likely would have experienced.

G+D said...

Oh Leah--I was just catching up on your blog for the first time in a while, and I'm SO SORRY to hear this sad news. I'm so so sorry. I hope you find some peace soon. Hugs to you!

Abby said...

Oh Leah, I am so sorry for your pain. She had a wonderful mommy in you and will live on in your spirit! My thoughts and prayers are with you!

WeezerMonkey said...

Leah, I'm so sorry for your loss! I followed the link from Dunc's blog. Losing a pet is heart-wrenching. Many hugs and much love to you.

Kristal said...

I know words aren't adequate right now, but prayers always are. I'm praying for you Leah!

hopeful #1 said...

You have to let these things out. My dh thought I was crazy and loosing it. He would tell his friends that he just didn't know how to make my calm down and he just didn't understand why I couldn't just let him go... He wasn’t saying that to be mean he was just confused and unsure how to make me feel better about the whole thing.

It's so much harder for women than it is for a man to let their feelings out like that... I remember one night in particular, laying on the floor of our living together and I just couldn't stop crying. I was convulsing and shaking. Crying until I just couldn’t produce another tear.

It’s very hard but it does get easier with time, I promise!

You do have to express these feelings! Keeping them inside will not help you! They eventually have to come out and even if you think you can’t you should! You dh will be confused as mine was but you will grow together through this! I promise!

I’m still praying for your strength! I pray that you won’t suffer for much longer and I pray that you will be at peace with all of this as soon as you need to be…

Many hugs and prayers to you!!!

 

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