A little venting action . . .

Saturday, November 1, 2008

This post is kind of hard for me to write and that's why I've ignored documenting how I feel about the subject.

I think it's well understood that I believe Tony is the most amazing man ever, even if he rarely hears that from my lips. The man has an insane work ethic, moral to a fault, and completely enamored with me . . . resulting in his annoying me daily. :)

So many couples describe their relationships working due to their balancing each other out, you know the normal extrovert vs introvert, creative vs analytical, adventurous vs homebody. Those dynamics work well for some couples, but when it comes to Tony and I, I don't feel as though we are opposites in any sense of the word. I think our relationship works because we change roles depending on the other and the situation. We're flexible to fulfill the needs of the other.

I only give this back ground because it really pains me to have this hurt, given all that I have to be so very grateful for in our relationship. It would probably help if we read the 5 Love Languages . . . but anywho.

It's simply this, for the past two years I have pined after a Canon digital SLR. We agreed that my Target bonus last year would be allocated for that purpose . . . which never came to fruition since it was a whopping $119. And that's the closest I have come.

In the last year alone however, my dearest has gotten every "need" that he has desired. I hate having this running tally, but it's always at the back of my mind.

$700 tv {I know it was my doing}
$425 riding lawn mower {again, my doing}
$300 table saw {not my doing and still bitter}
$200 tickets to the high school state hockey tournament {it's his tradition}

As for my side . . . my most recent "need" was our photo session, at $150. I don't spend money on clothes, manis/pedis or any other normal girl expense. And I've only gotten my hair done twice this year {one of which my Mom paid for}. I'm really trying to wrack my brain what else should be added to my balance, and I'm coming up short.

It's a hard area for me to explore. I basically feel like I'll never get my camera {which based on the above list I could have twice paid for with a starting lens}. I know that I'm better at money than Tony, so it's not his fault, but I just feel like we'll never have the money for it. My heart literally hurts at the thought of it, as Tony just keeps adding things to his wish list that I feel will always have presedence since he'll use them for the house.

We've talked about it a few times and he says that he understands where I'm coming from, but it's always just a matter of time before he comes to me with his next "need." I wish I had a dollar for everytime he's mentioned the camera as well, especially since we started ttc, stating that I need time to be experienced with it before baby bless' appearance. But he doesn't make any action towards it.

So there, that's my venting and my rationale for trying to drum up as much happiness as I can for you ladies that are much closer to realizing your SLR dream.

26 comments:

Ashley said...

I understand. It's hard sometimes!

Heidi said...

Black Friday! I've been lusting after a camera and I'm pretty sure we're going to finally get one on Black Friday. Hopefully, you can find a sweet sale on one and thus it won't be as big of an expense.

Julia said...

1. Do you guys not have a written budget? One that allows for personal spending money each month? Because if you did then those major purchases that you've listed for Tony would be felt harder by both parties....since your budget would have to give somewhere.

Nate and I each have a set amount we spend on ourselves each month for 'fun.' Granted, we don't always stick with this amount but it helps to keep things in perspective. If I want a big purchase then I don't blow my personal money right away, but I'll save it up for a couple of months.

Just an idea to consider.

2. You realize that these are all material things, right? Items that do not equate happiness. I think it's hard for newlywed-ish couples to avoid the "keeping up with the Joneses' mentality. When I find myself sulking that we don't own a house, no nice new cars, no flat screen TV, etc.....I try to focus on the fact that material possessions are not what make a marriage. Because I'm in a loving marriage with a wonderful husband, I realize that I'm wealthier than earthly items can provide.

All of that said, I know you are just venting. Hell, I want a SLR, too and somedays it feels like I'll never get one. I might actually be too tight to pay the money for it anyway but that's another story:)

So try to keep your head up and focus on your haves instead of the have nots. And get that budget together pronto! :)

mrs.leah.maria said...

1. We do have a written budget, we just do not have money for personal expenses. And you're right, that is why I've felt those hits more, because "our" money is paying for Tony's wants/needs, but not mine {is how it feels}. We've discussed setting aside a little personal money, but our budget in general works for us now. When I say I never feel like we'll have the money for it, it's just like you said, more a matter that I will never open up the purse strings to purchase and since I'm in control of the money for the most part, Tony's only option would be to buy it and put it on a card, which I would not be happy about.

2. I'm very well aware that they're material possessions :), that's why I tried to lay out how great of a relationship I feel that we have and how much pain it causes me that I feel this way, since I really do know how good I have it. It's funny that you would mention the keeping up with the joneses mentality, as that is so not who we are lol.

Erin said...

You know what I say? Just get the camera. That's kind of how it had to happen for me. I wanted one and knew how happy it would make me (and I am glad to say that the purchase of my Canon SLR HAS made me EXTREMELY happy for the one year I've had it, and I can't imagine that letting up soon!) and just decided that for the next 4 gift giving occasions, Ben would get me nothing so I could justify the camera purchase! So the camera was my birthday/Christmas/Valentines Day/Anniversary present :) and honestly, it is the best present I have ever allowed myself to get!!! SERIOUSLY - GET THE CAMERA!!!!!!!!!! I could write so much more about why it is a justified expense for me (and, I would suspect judging from your love of photography, for you too!) sooo, just open those purse strings Leah. You'll be so glad you did!

Rebecca Taylor said...

I understand why you're frustrated! Maybe he is planning on getting it for you for Christmas and that's why he's talking about it. Maybe he's trying to drop hints. I'm not defending it, but just trying to be hopeful for you! :)

Bluebird said...

Money is such a tough issue. I felt the same way as you when Jared kept buying stuff for camping and outdoor activities all Spring. We just ended up biting the bullet and buying our SLR camera and putting it on a credit card that we don't have interest on for another 6 months. It was the best purchase we have made, but I'm like you- I hate using credit cards! I cringe every month when we get our statement and can't pay the whole thing off.

Maybe there is a way you can buy it on a credit card that doesn't have interest. Or try and find a good deal the day after Thanksgiving.

Good luck!

Emily said...

I so understand this one, completely normal feeling. I have the same "ish and I'm not sure when it will come true - I think you definitely need a nice camera with Baby Bless coming. Maybe a push present from Tony? Haha - I just heard of those the other day.

ka1t_lyn said...

Hm. You've made me think about my "me" budget and ignoring Ryan's needs-- namely that he is owed my back for my tuition and has been for a while now....

I don't even know what to say. You've made it obvious that Tony doesn't love you any less by not getting you the camera.

Maybe you can make it part of the budget every month-- $20 or so. After some time, make the investment in yourself and get it, when the budget has let you build up the amount. One of those "pay yourself first" things-- put it away and forget about it! :)

Chelsie said...

This post just made me reflect on our spending habits and our relationship is flipped. I am the one whose needs and wants almost always seem to come first when it comes to purchases and I feel badly for this, but I am more assertive and straight forward when I want something where as J has more the mentality that we can just get what he wants later. I agree with actively putting some money aside for yourself each month if this is something you really want. Each little bit will add up quickly. Good luck!

HBee said...

This might be a stupid question, but could you just go buy it yourself? If and when you do have the money, could you just say we have the money and I'm going to buy the camera? Or agree together that the next big purchase will be the camera?

Leslie G said...

I got mine last year with my stimulus check!! it's likely that we'll all get another, so that could be it! =)

kpapa said...

You just need to tell Tony what you told us. I'm sure you two can work out a strategy to get the camera before the baby arrives.

I have the Canon Rebel XTi and some different lenses... so let me know if you end up having equipment questions! :-)

Amy said...

My husband and I decided on a pre-set personal budgeted amount for each month that we take out of the top. He has his piddling money and I have mine so if I want to blow it on an expensive pair of shoes that he can't understand, it doesn't matter. It was mine to spend. Same goes for him. That said, if we want something "big"...then we have to save our individual piddle money for that want.

Sounds like if you had your piddle money for each month, you could put it toward your SLR without having to hope it shows up.

Worse case, just tell him it's going to be your PUSH present for having to push a basketball out your whoha. How can he argue with that?! HA!

Amy said...

ok, I just read your comment up above and realize my comment was totally pointless except for the last paragraph...so just disregard everything but that!

Johanna said...

I bought my Canon Rebel before I got married, but I'm sure you already know that once you have the camera body, the wants list grows even longer ... lenses, remote, tripod etc.

When I was ready for a new lens this summer, I took on a side project in order to pay for it. Sure I had to spend a few Saturdays working, but I was able to buy the exact lens I wanted without feeling like I was taking money away from our general pot of funds.

Madeline said...

Sweetie, sometimes guys just need to be told exactly what you need/or what needs to be done to get what you need.

I think given you will soon have a baby to be documenting, that this investment (not purchase) will be worth it! (Plus you don't wanna be a dork like me fiddeling with learning a camera trying to catch important moments and then missing them cause you still can't figure out manual mode! haha)

So, my suggestion would be to research a credit card (I know you you don't like them but here me out). Find one with no APR for 6-12 months. Budget some for what you think might be your Christmas bonus or Christmas gift money. I am sure with a little more research you might find that putting it on credit for this item only, might be worth it! Make the credit cards work for you!

Just some food for thought.

abby said...

I feel the exact same way sometimes - I can think of so many things that Mike has gotten and next to none for me. I think men just have an easier time buying stuff and not feeling guilty. They don't think it through as much or beat themselves up about it. I know that you have a tough time spending money (especially for yourself), but this is one instance where I would really encourage you to do it because you KNOW that you will love it and use it all the time. Especially with a baby on the way!

Chelsea and Brian said...

I totally understand where you're coming from & have felt that way myself many, many times. For instance.. in the past couple of years the hubs has bought a new plasma tv, ps3, wii, etc. etc. I try not to fault him since I had a lot to do with these purchases as well- but it sucks nonetheless. I agree with pp that you should let Tony read what you just wrote. I don't think it's hurtful at all, but it will make him realize what's going on. Guys are simple-minded and I know that my hubby would never pick up on the subtle hints- I have to spell it out for him! haha. AND with a baby on the way-- is the PERFECT reason to want a DSLR. Not that you don't deserve one anyway, but still. :)

Meredith said...

Girl, you KNOW that I know how you feel! It's like, how many hints do you need? Sometimes, I just want the damn grand gesture.

I agree though that a no interest, no payment for 12 months cc might be beneficial in this area...

Meredith said...

And PS- have you been checking Craigslist? I've been seeing a ton of DSLR's on there lately. Usually in the $200-$500 range.

Megan said...

I hear ya... I could spend hours talking about all the "needs" that we've purchased recently for my husband that are NOT "needs" but "wants" instead. Grrrr...

Katherine K said...

Leah, We have this same struggle in our marriage. Travis loves to hunt and fish and since Colorado is quite different from Minnesota in geography, he needed to buy supplies for his hobbies. We do have "blow" money every month that is our own personal money and we can decide to spend it on whatever we want (I almost always spend mine in the first week!) But some of the stuff he needs to buy is too expensive for his blow (like hockey sticks) so it ends up coming out of the general fund.

To compensate (sinfully I think), I've rationalized spending money beyond my blow money on stuff that I should be spending my blow money on, because "Travis got to buy x and not spend his blow." Just lately as he's been talking about taking a trip to Las Vegas with his highschool buddies (one of them lives in Las Vegas, so that's why they would go there--and the plane tickets are cheap), I have realized that our marriage can't always be equal in spending amounts--I have to be generous so that the times I really want to buy something more spendy, Travis will be generous with me.

All that said, I think you have 2 options: 1) Start saving money again for your camera (maybe a set amount every paycheck). 2)Beg Tony to let you buy it, saying it will be your birthday, Christmas, and Valentine's day present all in one.

Hope you feel better!!

fah said...

TOTALLY understand. He always wants BIG things. I may have several small purchases that eventually add up, but his are huge in comparison and all at once. The worst part is I'll sometimes agree, but then he just moves on to the next thing and doesn't stop until he gets it. Oh a big tv, now I need a new computer, now I need a $120 video game, now I need a bigger hard drive, oh I suddenly took up mountain biking and need tons of equipment. It just NEVER stops.

Mrs. McB said...

Great venting! I am the same way. I always feel that Mr. McB gets everything he wants and I am left still wanting. Glad to know someone else feels the same.

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