It's been awhile.

Friday, November 28, 2008

You guys will never know how much I drew upon your support this week. The hardest times for me always seemed to be unexpected, but don't get me wrong, the expected were extremely difficult as well.

- Opening the bathroom door or coming home to the sight of two cats. Only two. The third wasn't coming.

- Allie searching the house for Bridgit. I think I was close to a breakdown telling Allie that Bridgit was gone.

I'm constantly replaying of the moment I knew she was gone. The second she went from my beloved companion to a forever treasured memory. Knowing that I caused it. Searching her eyes and just knowing, that knowledge she wasn't there. It's something that I thought would haunt me, but I'm already starting to desensitize myself to it. My mind has had it on the same loop for so long now that I'm starting to feel like it was a scene in a movie, but not something that I actually had to experience.

Lucy has been sleeping in Bridgit's place in bed. Mainly in my arms, but sometimes lower by my legs. It brings me so much comfort, I sometimes have to force myself to remember that it's not Bridgit, but as each night ends I'm becoming more okay with Lucy filling the void.

Tony has continued to be my rock. He shared last night that he had an extremely hard time closing her box alone. I placed her in it in the house, but asked that he not close it in my sight. I just couldn't see that. I wanted my final image of her to be curled in a ball, much like how she would normally sleep. I didn't realize how much pain I caused Ton to do that act himself.

The healing has started, but I'm praying that I'll be able to forgive myself soon. It doesn't matter that I should, or that I did the humane thing. Grief doesn't have to make sense. It's just how you're feeling. Sometimes it makes sense and adds up, but most often it doesn't.

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Work has been dreadful. I don't even think I could describe how horrible one of my bosses is. He is the most ego-centric, pompous ass that I have ever met. But I have a job. I'm trying to keep that in focus.
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My camera is $530. Tony won't budge.
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I'm supposed to have a belly pic up today . . .but my camera battery went dead and my charger is at work.
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I never did announce the answer to my poll. Sadly it was not all of the above, although that proved to entertain the majority! :) Tony was the one to be looking at me through the binoculars (not a rifle scope!). I'm not going to count farting because that really didn't take up more than a few seconds. :) It was kegels!

7 comments:

Andrea said...

I feel you on the camera - my hubby won't budge either. Maybe Tony is going to suprise you?? I haven't been reading your blog for too long so I don't know if he is a suprise kinda guy or not. That IS a smokin deal for the XS, though.

ka1t_lyn said...

So glad the healing is beginning. Lean on each other, if you're both hurting :).

Love that you were doing kegels. Too funny!

L Sqaured said...

<3

I will keep praying

Jen said...

Hang in there. Nobody expects you to get over this kinda thing overnight. I felt so bad when I lost my Cozy, because Cleo became super chatty and wouldn't stop meowing all over the house at odd times. She was pretty lonely for a little while. We got her a buddy a couple months later, but it took some time. Take care!

kari said...

Lots of love, Leah. I'm thinking of and praying for you.

Katie said...

you poor thing - still praying for you...

hopeful #1 said...

It's not going to happen over night. There are going to be many times that you will think of Bridgit even if your other cats are around to help you. You will continue to mourn her... she was a huge part of your life. I am thankful that you have other animals to help distract you. That will help to have another lover there...

I pray that this healing time is easy for you. I pray that you are able to express how you feel whenever you are feeling it. You have to let it out even if that means you take a break and run to your car to cry it out...

It will get easier but if you are like me, we have ornaments with our late Oscar on it and it's hard during this time to not have him around.

I'm glad you are doing better! It's good to hear these updates!

{{{ Hugs to you! }}}

 

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