Not to beat a dead horse . . .

Thursday, October 30, 2008

I'm sorry, I really couldn't think of a better title, but yes, I'm talking about Bridgit again. I've been spending a lot of quality time with her and have allowed her to lick almost every dish I've eaten off of. There's no sense in keeping her restrained anymore, I might as well make her time enjoyable.

We've had a turn of events though. My Mom has basically taken it on as her life's goal to help me through this time/choice/transition. She's often told me that while I never had an actual security blanket, that she believes Bridgit was very much so a living one. She came into my life the same month my Mom married my Stepdad, an action of course much harder to bear in some ways even than the divorce. It effectively shattered my notions of my parents getting back together. I clung to Bridgit in that time and well, that's why we have the bond we do now. I feel like my Mom wants to repay Bridgit for that time in my life somehow. Additionally, my Mom sees me as unemotional or stoic, very much like my Dad. She gives me credit sometimes for strength that I don't have, but could probably count how many times she's seen me cry since I was a junior in high school. Due to Bridgit however . . . she's seen/heard me cry daily in the past week, something that she just can't seem to handle.

So as I said, we've had a turn of events. After calling several doctors who make house calls, she had the brilliant idea of calling my cousin, who is an anesthesiologist. While he is not a vet, he quickly agreed to the idea and promised that he would find the right drug and dosage and would administer it in our house. I can't tell you how much relief it gives me, because honestly as the week has gone on I've begun to cope with her death, but I just couldn't get past my choice, my action betraying her. {And when I use the word betray you guys, I hope you know that it's just how I feel, and I don't want to put it on any of you who have had to go through these same horrible choices and emotions.} I know it's the humane choice and that I will be freeing her from the pain, but I'm her protector and I just couldn't bear the thought of her frantic in the vet, expecting me to rescue her, ultimately doing just the opposite.

I'm so much more at peace with this option.

So we're cancelling the appointment, but only postponing the act until next week when my cousin promises to visit.

I'm still praying she will just die in my arms before that time and welcome your prayers, but as the unconsidered option this really is an answer to prayer.

22 comments:

Chelsie said...

I can't imagine making that kind of decision and you are incredibly strong for being able to do this. I will continue to pray for you!

Dunc said...

Leah, I'm thinking of you. Those are such sweet photos. I'm so glad you'll be able to say goodbye on your own terms (to an extent, at least). Give Bridgit a smooch for me.

Joi said...

Still thinking of you and Bridgit, Leah. I hope the comfort of knowing she'll be in her own loving home brings you at least some rest.

AJ said...

I'm not sure if you saw my other message to you, so I'll say it again. I love your decision. It's "perfect" for the situation. I'm thinking of you :)

April & Geoff said...

I'm so sorry you are losing Bridgit. I hope you find comfort in knowing you loved her well and that the love was reciprocated by her. I'm thinking of you!

Sea-Squared said...

I can't imagine how hard this is Leah. My prayers are with you & Bridgit.

Meredith said...

Again, I'm just so sorry about all of this. I am so thankful that an opportunity has presented itself that you feel more comfortable with.

Bluebird said...

I'm so sorry Leah...but I'm so glade you found an option you are more comfortable with. You guys will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers.

Rebecca Taylor said...

I'm so glad your cousin will be able to help out. Praying for you and Bridgit!

Leah said...

I've been praying for you and Bridgit! I know this is hard, but I'm so glad you have found a more peaceful option for her. She has been blessed to be in your care and I'm sure her life has been full of love.

abby said...

What a blessing that you've found this new option. I still can't imagine how hard this must be for you to go through, but I'm glad that you at least have the peace of knowing that Bridgit will pass at home.

AmberDenae said...

I am so glad that you were able to settle with this alternative. Though it is still hard losing her, at least she can go while in the comfort of her home, familiarity and with you there. I am so sorry for you at this time and can relate to your grief. It is so hard losing a beloved pet, especially one you have such a special bond with. Praying for you...

Kristal said...

I'm so glad to hear you've found an alternative that will give you a bit of comfort. I'm praying for you Leah!

*Kimmie* said...

The love bug and I have you in our thoughts and prayers. I was so angry at my mother for putting my childhood furball of 19 years to sleep while I was away at college. She was my rock through my parents' divorce, my best friend through the awkward years, and my hot water bottle during knee surgery. But I now know I could have never have been as strong of a woman as you are to have gone through it myself. You are so strong and we'll keep you in our prayers.

Lisa said...

It's such a beautiful story of the love between someone and their pet. I cannot imagine your difficulty, but this newest development is such a blessing.

Freckles Chick said...

You are carrying out your "protector" role to the very end, by making sure Bridgit goes in peace in the comfort of her own home.
Our neighbor did something similar for his dog Clyde when it was his time. Those who were close to Clyde came over to his house to say goodbye and feed him his favorite food (steak). Then when it was time, Clyde and his "Dad" said goodbye in the privacy and comfort of the only home Clyde's ever known. It was the best decision to have someone come to the house.
Thinking of you!

Sarah Danielle said...

OMG - I am retarded - this whole time I was thinking Bridgit was a puppy dog! Ha! Wow. I need to stop reading while attempting to get work done...

Anyways... I am glad you are getting to spend some quality time together right now. I think having her put down in your home may make things more comfortable for you. I hope everything turns out ok.

CageQueen said...

I understand what you're saying completely. Yesterday, my mom's dog mauled her bird. She had my brother take it to the vet to put it out of its misery, and surprisingly the bird is still alive, though in a cast. Even though we love our fmily dog, we're really upset with him. Pets are a part of te family in every sense of the word. I do not know what I would do if I were in your position with my beloved dog, Paris. She is my world. I'll pray for you.

ka1t_lyn said...

While I am so very sorry this has to happen, I am so so glad that you get to be at home with her when this happens.

I know how big a spot animals can take in our lives, and my prayers are with you in this very hard time.

Jenn said...

I'm so happy that you have come to a resolution that will provide both you and Bridgit with more comfort. You will continue to be in my prayers.

Tara @ Living A Dream said...

Just ran across your blog. I'm sorry to hear about your cat. I've got a cat and two dogs & I couldn't imagine putting one of them down! Hopefully she will pass away in your arms. Congrats on the baby, too! That's exciting!!

Karen said...

I am so sorry to hear about your little kitty. She is adorable.

 

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