13w5d, I guess.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Since I was bumped up 4 days, my weekly change-over occurs on Sunday now . . . and well, after the gluttony that is Saturday in my world, I just don't want to be taking my picture Sunday morning . . . so I think I'm going to continue to just keep taking pics on Thursdsay. Okay? Okay.
So, I’m definitely noticing some thickening and that’s all well and good, as the baby is now about 3 inches and weighing almost an ounce! My uterus is also apparently right in between the size of an orange and a grapefruit . . . so I’m okay with the thickening lol.

This morning we did the deed of telling two of our supervisors {as a refresher, Tony and I work together for a small firm, so we are in a unique situation}. Based on the boss who I report to’s reaction to one of our architects announcing his wife’s pregnancy, I expected to be a little hurt by his reaction. I made sure that we announced when my other nice boss was in office, so that his excitement would balance out for the other’s expected reaction . . . but it wasn’t necessary, they both congratulated us quickly and seem to be very excited! We’re waiting to announce to the rest of the company at our staff meeting on Monday.

We also met with our doctor today for the first time and both Tony and I came away feeling very comfortable with her answers of my list of questions. Oh yes, I was that girl with a list, but I have to think upwards of 50% of first timers do have a list, so I wasn’t that embarrassed. She quickly answered that she personally delivers 80% of her patient’s babies, which is really high according to averages that I have read, so that was great to hear . .. on the flip side, she also said that her rate of c-sections is 18%, which is higher than the 16% max I’ve heard elsewhere. So . . . I guess that’s something to think about.

When I get home I’ll scan in the ultrasound picture we have of baby bless at 13w2d . . . and I hate to disappoint 36% of those who voted, but the ultrasound tech showed us the convincing evidence that baby bless is a boy! {Today our doctor mentioned that he has never been wrong!} We obviously are grounded enough to realize that even at 20w the genders can be falsely told, so we will not be upset if this were to change . . . but can’t help but be excited by the news either!
Baby boy parts and sucking his thumb.
Look at the cute lil nose and lips!

Not to beat a dead horse . . .

Thursday, October 30, 2008

I'm sorry, I really couldn't think of a better title, but yes, I'm talking about Bridgit again. I've been spending a lot of quality time with her and have allowed her to lick almost every dish I've eaten off of. There's no sense in keeping her restrained anymore, I might as well make her time enjoyable.

We've had a turn of events though. My Mom has basically taken it on as her life's goal to help me through this time/choice/transition. She's often told me that while I never had an actual security blanket, that she believes Bridgit was very much so a living one. She came into my life the same month my Mom married my Stepdad, an action of course much harder to bear in some ways even than the divorce. It effectively shattered my notions of my parents getting back together. I clung to Bridgit in that time and well, that's why we have the bond we do now. I feel like my Mom wants to repay Bridgit for that time in my life somehow. Additionally, my Mom sees me as unemotional or stoic, very much like my Dad. She gives me credit sometimes for strength that I don't have, but could probably count how many times she's seen me cry since I was a junior in high school. Due to Bridgit however . . . she's seen/heard me cry daily in the past week, something that she just can't seem to handle.

So as I said, we've had a turn of events. After calling several doctors who make house calls, she had the brilliant idea of calling my cousin, who is an anesthesiologist. While he is not a vet, he quickly agreed to the idea and promised that he would find the right drug and dosage and would administer it in our house. I can't tell you how much relief it gives me, because honestly as the week has gone on I've begun to cope with her death, but I just couldn't get past my choice, my action betraying her. {And when I use the word betray you guys, I hope you know that it's just how I feel, and I don't want to put it on any of you who have had to go through these same horrible choices and emotions.} I know it's the humane choice and that I will be freeing her from the pain, but I'm her protector and I just couldn't bear the thought of her frantic in the vet, expecting me to rescue her, ultimately doing just the opposite.

I'm so much more at peace with this option.

So we're cancelling the appointment, but only postponing the act until next week when my cousin promises to visit.

I'm still praying she will just die in my arms before that time and welcome your prayers, but as the unconsidered option this really is an answer to prayer.


Wednesday, October 29, 2008

So I actually still have a job. It’s kind of odd I know. I actually was successful in worrying myself legitimately sick throughout the morning, true story.

The man who makes my life unbearable here carried himself like an absolute angel. It was very odd, ridiculous, fine. I don’t even know the adjectives I should use to describe the review. But bottom line, I still have a job.

At one point one of the principals asked where I saw my position in 5 years and whether I thought it would still be a challenge, after answering, I put it back on my supervisors. I challenged them to question whether they saw me in the position in 5 years and almost teared up in asking whether they were invested in me for the long term. The answers surprised me, but were very reassuring.

So yeah, yesterday was pretty spectacular.

Especially when you throw in there that I got to eat a turkey burger {lovin them!} and work out while watching The Biggest Loser for the first time in 5 weeks!

I can’t lie, I’m freaking sore, but in amazing way! :)

In other not so great news . . . Bridgit is still alive. I’m down to 2 nights left that I get to sleep with her in my arms. A thought that apparently registers in my mind, but has no bearing on my heart, because it is not fully processed.

If only the rest of the day will go so smoothly!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Tony and I were up bright and early to get to our appointment at 7:00 this morning and I’m pretty sure from here on out that if I have a choice we will be scheduling all of our appts for 7:00! The last time we were in at 10:15 and we waited for 1 hour and 15 minutes! I know it’s an OBGYN and that doctors run out for deliveries, but I just can’t justify all of that time spent in the waiting room. So 7:00 am works out very nicely.

Upon arrival we were ushered into the ultrasound room promptly and as before the time between entering and actually seeing the image of our baby on the machine seemed to take an eternity. Due to my tilted uterus at 8 weeks the vag cam was needed, this time I was so excited to just hop on table without dropping my pants!

You may notice my ticker jumped up a few days, 4 to be exact, as baby bless remained consistent in growth with the original ultrasound! We went in at 8w3d and were told that baby bless measured at 9w. This morning we went in as 12w4d and came out as 13w2d! Whoo hoo! Tomorrow I will officially be done with the first trimester! Or wait . . . I have to get through tomorrow to 13w4d, but whatever, I’m close enough!

I had a few tense moments as our normally chatty ultrasound tech stopped talking for a period of time and I just so happened to notice it coincided with his measuring bably bless’ neck width. For my pregnant friends, you’ll recognize this as the nuchal translucency screening technique, which can be key in identifying symptoms of Downs Syndrome, Trisomy 13 and Trisomy 18. The only problem is, Tony and I opted to not do the test. I’m a worrier by nature and we would not abort the baby if there was a complication, so there was just no sense in us doing the optional testing. As I watched him measure I started comparing the width with those I could recall from memory and started convincing myself that there wasn't enough curve, it was too thick, all of these terrible thoughts. When he didn’t say anything for almost a good 2 minutes and then continued on with his chatter I began to worry even more, so I finally bit the bullet and asked him about the measuring. I assume now that the reason he didn’t tell us what he was doing was because he knew we didn’t want the test, but he told us he just couldn’t resist taking the measurement since baby bless was in the perfect position. I’m so glad that I asked though, as he completely cleared my doubts and said that baby bless passed with flying colors.

The heartbeat was a strong 154bpm and all limbs and major organs are accounted for. Tony’s favorite part is watching the heartbeat, but I love watching the baby move. Baby bless wasn’t active when we first began this morning, but just had to be woken up a bit to show off. :)

Additionally, the news I’d been waiting for, that now pales in comparison to another gem we received, my blood spots are gone! I’ve got the green light to be active again! I can’t freaking wait.

You may notice the new poll on the right. I encourage you to participate, as we have with 90% certainty been told the sex of baby bless . . . with our ultrasound tech’s money back guarantee if he is wrong at our appt on Dec 12 at 19w. :)

Run down

Monday, October 27, 2008

I meant that as the run down, but after mulling over it for a second, I thought it was very appropriate as run down.

- 7am tomorrow morning, follow up ultrasound. I always am nervous for u/s.

- 11:30am tomorrow morning, my 6 month review . . . which has turned into tell us why you should keep your job. I'm trying to finalize my thoughts right now and it's not going so well.

- I've eaten out for 6 out my last 8 meals, but only paid for 3/6. Oh and I've been on the toilet very punctually today. Fun times.

- Tony and I are engaging in a spending freeze competition. Oddly enough, I suggested the same to him 1 1/2 months ago and he looked at me like I was crazy. Now, he's gung-ho and doesn't recall my first mentioning it.

- We're also debating trying to sell our Vue, since we were given a $9K trade in value. Not cool or realistic.

If we were to find out terrible news tomorrow morning, I will be calling in sick and we will not be putting Bridgit down. I'm just saying. I wouldn't be able to face the day, let alone follow through with Bridgit.

The story of Nadia and her wedding dress.

My dearest Nads, is engaged to be married Sept 26, 2009. A few things you need to know about her:

1). She's gorgeous. She's of Palestinian blood, with beautiful eyes and great skin tone.

2). She was a child prodigy, playing the piano with her toes, perfectly, at age 3 {what? so I made it up, it's close to the truth!}

3). She held the record at our school for most goals scored and assists given, until they started counting 2nd assists . . . which imo have no home in soccer, only hockey.

4). When I first met her, I thought she was a biotch. When she first me me, she thought I was obsessed with my boyfriend. We were both right . . . to an extent. :)

5). She's my person. For all of our differences, I don't think anyone understands me like she does.

So that's the background, I don't think it was very relevant to the story {sorry}, but it was fun! What you need to know about the great hunt for Nadia's wedding dress is that she's a very analytical and precise person . . . and after 5 wedding shops and 3 maybe dresses, there just wasn't THE ONE. Both Nadia and I were prepared for this though, as she also struggled with this in regards to the man she's choosing to marry. She never had the moment where it was decided he was the one. So we were prepared to be in for the long haul.

As we'd basically exhausted all decent places of interest in the Cities, I suggested that we try Mestad's in Rochester next. And that's where my participation in Nadia's wedding dress shopping ends . . . because she at a wedding fair ended up getting a VIP ticket for admittance to Mestad's sample sale a day early ! I can't even be upset or disappointed that I wasn't there for the moment she found the one, because she scored this Lazaro for $300!

It's a $4,000 dress!!!!!!!

12 weeks

Saturday, October 25, 2008

This post delayed for you due to the thoughtfulness of my husband and my being ridiculous, resulting in pouting. I'm over it, I swear, but just to clear the air, no one ever said you had to be mature to bring a child into the world right? That's what I thought.

K, so, Baby Bless is supposedly the size of a peach this week! A whopping 2.6 to 3.1 inches and weighs 0.5 to 0.7 ounces. That's progress people. One week and one day away from ending the dreaded 1st trimester! :) Three days from the follow up ultrasound!

Absolutely nothing new to report on the pregnancy front other than being serious that I'm only feeding my body a steady stream of stress and worry. Your words of outrage, encouragement and sympathy have meant so much to me though. I especially covet the prayers.

I don't know why I'm doing this to myself right now about Bridgit. My Mom is now trying to persuade me that I should wait if I feel this upset about it, but I know there will never be a right time. Ever.

A nestie friend/blog lurker paged me on my local to share some words of support and mentioned when in a similar situation that it "was like putting my sister to sleep." I know it is morbid and extreme, but that is the closest I can convey in words the hurt that is assaulting me.

And just because God has a sense of humor and I need to stop all of this crying, Callie just walked across my last and farted in my face. I tasted it before I heard it. That's nasty!

I just can't do this. Part 3/3

Friday, October 24, 2008

I've finally decided to put Bridgit down. I'm crying as I type this now.

There's an appointment made for 5:30 on Friday the 31st.

She’s been the most constant part of my life since I was 8 years old. I don’t know how to go to sleep without her curled up in my arm.

She’s now 19-21 years old and I’ve prayed for her to die in my arms for 4 years, because I knew that I wouldn’t have the strength to do what I’m faced with now.

She’s been my constant companion, even after her kidney disease was diagnosed 6 years ago.

I can’t believe I’m making this choice, but I also know that given her issues the house would never be sanitary enough for a child.

I’m serious in this request, please pray that she will die in my arms before next Friday.

I need her to die knowing that I love her, not frantic, scared and betrayed. I don’t think I could bear that.

I have yet to decide if I really will go in with her, if it comes to that. I really can’t stand the thought of her feeling I betrayed or let her down.

I shouldn’t have written this at work. I’m now a mess.

The timing is based on the ground freezing. Tony’s Dad made a beautiful box for her.

Oh I’m going to have a doozy of a headache after trying to hold these sobs in.

Please do pray that prayer for me, please.

I just can't do this. Part 2/3

In a lunch meeting with a business partner on Wednesday, I was privy to information I did not want to hear. From my boss's lips, "Based on the work we have and project to come through, without new work, we'll only be able to continue as we are, without large changes, until Christmas."

In combo with this local article: After losing 19,000 jobs in the past 12 months, nearly 30,000 more are expected to vanish by late 2009, according to the latest short-term employment forecast by the Minnesota Department of Employment and Economic Security (DEED).

I'm drowning here, I have no idea what I'm doing and haven't felt a sense of accomplishment in months. I know it's a combination of the learning curve and the economy, but I'm scared senseless. And now, and now, and now, I have to tell work I'm pregnant? And now, and now, and now we get to bring a child into this world with all of our uncertainty. If I've ever needed to cling to it before, I'm claiming that God's timing is perfect, because I certainly can not see it right now!

For those of you who do not know, Tony and I work for the same company. Yeah, I know. We're having fun at home making cases as to why one of us would be let go first over the other . . . the only thing we can agree on is that one of us will be the first to go. I'm all overhead and Tony's the least senior designer.

Stress out time.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

After yesterday's hasty political sojourn, I will now bring you all back to the regularly scheduled recapping of the normal randomness that is my life.

Last night we hosted our small group at our house, you know, the small group of the church that we don't attend. And to elaborate, not only do we not attend, but have no intentions on attending because both Tony and I have some issues with:

1. The lightness of the message
2. The worship "concert"
3. The overwhelming size

So yeah, we're basically just using the size of the church to tap into a group of couples around the same stage of life as we are in our neck of the woods. Oh and they know that's our intention, so it's all good! :)

Everyone usually eats before our 7:00 meeting, so light appetizers are usually provided . . . but all of the light appetizers I could think of had already been served and you know I just couldn't repeat! So . . . I upped the ante a bit. {blush} I didn't mean to try to one up anyone, I just couldn't think of anything that fell into the {chex mix, apples with caramel, cookies or muffins} category.

So I whipped up some new and one go-to recipe to provide:
Herb Cheese Spread:
1 8oz package fat free cream cheese (softened)
1/4 cup blue cheese
1/2 cup feta cheese
2 teaspoons basil dried
1 teaspoon rosemary dried and crushed
2 teaspoons finely chopped green onion tops or chives
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
Now beat with an electric mixer until well mixed and refrigerate for a few hours before serving with crackers or apple slices.
Looking a little something like this {not to be misleading, this is not an actual picture of the dip, it just closely resembles!}.
BBQ meatballs {which I've never attempted before!}

Pumpkin bars {which I must say honestly, are the best I've ever tasted!}
2 cups all purpose flour
1 ½ cups packed brown sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice
¼ teaspoon salt
½ cup vegetable oil
½ cup apple juice
1 can (15 oz) pumpkin (not pumpkin pie mix)
2 eggs

Frosting: 1 container (16 oz) Betty Crocker cream cheese frosting {I know! I need to get a good recipe for the frosting, but store bought works in a pinch!}

Heat oven to 350 degrees. Grease 15x10 or 13x9 pan; lightly flour. In a large bowl with electric mixer, beat bar ingredients on low speed until moistened. Beat 2 minutes on medium speed. Spread batter in pan.

Bake 20 to 30 minutes or until toothpick inserted comes out clean. Cool completely, about 1 hour.

Spread frosting over cooled bars. Refrigerate until set. Store in refrigerator.

I must say they were hits! Although regrettably I wasn't able to snag a pic of the spread or our fall decor. :(
Oh and tonight? I'm hosting my sister in law's baby shower!! Lord help me, please!

I'm sorry to do it.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Because we get along so chummingly and I can't stand the thought of losing some of you. But based on reader feedback, I know that the majority of you come back to my blog because of my honesty. To that end, I need to share with you a political something, because honestly the below pisses me off to no end. I hope that if it offends you, it still challenges you and that you will respect my opinion.

From the Wall Street Journal:
One of Barack Obama's most potent campaign claims is that he'll cut taxes for no less than 95% of "working families." He's even promising to cut taxes enough that the government's tax share of GDP will be no more than 18.2% -- which is lower than it is today.

It's a clever pitch, because it lets him pose as a middle-class tax cutter while disguising that he's also proposing one of the largest tax increases ever on the other 5%. But how does he conjure this miracle, especially since more than a third of all Americans already pay no income taxes at all? There are several sleights of hand, but the most creative is to redefine the meaning of "tax cut."

For the Obama Democrats, a tax cut is no longer letting you keep more of what you earn. In their lexicon, a tax cut includes tens of billions of dollars in government handouts that are disguised by the phrase "tax credit." Mr. Obama is proposing to create or expand no fewer than seven such credits for individuals:
- A $500 tax credit ($1,000 a couple) to "make work pay" that phases out at income of $75,000 for individuals and $150,000 per couple.
- A $4,000 tax credit for college tuition.
- A 10% mortgage interest tax credit (on top of the existing mortgage interest deduction and other housing subsidies).
- A "savings" tax credit of 50% up to $1,000.
- An expansion of the earned-income tax credit that would allow single workers to receive as much as $555 a year, up from $175 now, and give these workers up to $1,110 if they are paying child support.
- A child care credit of 50% up to $6,000 of expenses a year.
- A "clean car" tax credit of up to $7,000 on the purchase of certain vehicles.

Here's the political catch. All but the clean car credit would be "refundable," which is Washington-speak for the fact that you can receive these checks even if you have no income-tax liability. In other words, they are an income transfer -- a federal check -- from taxpayers to nontaxpayers. Once upon a time we called this "welfare," or in George McGovern's 1972 campaign a "Demogrant." Mr. Obama's genius is to call it a tax cut.

The Tax Foundation estimates that under the Obama plan 63 million Americans, or 44% of all tax filers, would have no income tax liability and most of those would get a check from the IRS each year. The Heritage Foundation's Center for Data Analysis estimates that by 2011, under the Obama plan, an additional 10 million filers would pay zero taxes while cashing checks from the IRS.

The total annual expenditures on refundable "tax credits" would rise over the next 10 years by $647 billion to $1.054 trillion, according to the Tax Policy Center. This means that the tax-credit welfare state would soon cost four times actual cash welfare. By redefining such income payments as "tax credits," the Obama campaign also redefines them away as a tax share of GDP. Presto, the federal tax burden looks much smaller than it really is.

The political left defends "refundability" on grounds that these payments help to offset the payroll tax. And that was at least plausible when the only major refundable credit was the earned-income tax credit. Taken together, however, these tax credit payments would exceed payroll levies for most low-income workers.

It is also true that John McCain proposes a refundable tax credit -- his $5,000 to help individuals buy health insurance. We've written before that we prefer a tax deduction for individual health care, rather than a credit. But the big difference with Mr. Obama is that Mr. McCain's proposal replaces the tax subsidy for employer-sponsored health insurance that individuals don't now receive if they buy on their own. It merely changes the nature of the tax subsidy; it doesn't create a new one.

There's another catch: Because Mr. Obama's tax credits are phased out as incomes rise, they impose a huge "marginal" tax rate increase on low-income workers. The marginal tax rate refers to the rate on the next dollar of income earned. As the nearby chart illustrates, the marginal rate for millions of low- and middle-income workers would spike as they earn more income.

Some families with an income of $40,000 could lose up to 40 cents in vanishing credits for every additional dollar earned from working overtime or taking a new job. As public policy, this is contradictory. The tax credits are sold in the name of "making work pay," but in practice they can be a disincentive to working harder, especially if you're a lower-income couple getting raises of $1,000 or $2,000 a year. One mystery -- among many -- of the McCain campaign is why it has allowed Mr. Obama's 95% illusion to go unanswered.

Now I would stand to gain from this plan, and yet I oppose it. Why? Our country is filled with far too many who feel that they are entitled to a better life without the effort. In all honesty, that is why we're sitting in the economic crisis that we are, due to those who felt they had a right to a home, regardless of their ability to pay for it. And the lawmakers who made it basically discrimination for banks to refuse a mortgage to those they knew were unqualified, in the name of equal access.

Peg me as a conservative Christian voter, because that's what I am, but this isn't about a one issue or even two issue vote, this is about government handouts that I do not support. Many would say I'm disillusioned as a young white Christian female from a "stable" family and I'm not going to try to pretend to say that I know what it's like in all the parts of our country, but I have worked 2-3 jobs to make ends meet, studied my butt off in high school to fight for scholarships and am now working my patoot off again to pay off my college loans and mortgage payment because that's what I took responsibility to do. I've worked hard for the life that I have and am prepared to apply myself in ways I can't even dream of in order to maintain it, because that's the work ethic that my Mom as a single mother instilled in me.

Now I'm not saying I love McCain, because I don't even like him. But I dislike him a little less than Obama, and that's enough.

"A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have." Gerald R Ford

Follow up.

So after I thought that I got over being a whiny baby, I continued it yesterday at work by crying at my desk over the lack of cake or candles. I mean really, who am I?

Tony could tell something was up on Monday {how could he not? I was acting like a 4 year old!} and tried throughout the day to gather friends and change the location from Acapulco to another restaurant as a surprise . . . but being that it was the day-of, the change did not go into effect well and most people already had plans. It was a nice thought. We just ended up at Acapulco with the normal crew.

I really need to just get over it and focus on the very unexpected memory we were able to have on Saturday, when my recently married Laura gave us the opportunity to take her in-laws tickets to the Gopher Hockey game! To make it even better . . . we found a free parking spot, so our night out on the town cost us a whopping $0, instead of $90.

Tony even let me wear his gopher hockey sweatshirt, and by let, I mean I put it on and he didn't even saying anything to the effect that he would rather wear it. :)

Thank you for all of the birthday wishes, I'm so glad to have your support even when I'm being a spoiled brat.

So, 25.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Years that is. Yup, I made it. Today's my birthday.

Warning: I'm being a whiny hormonal baby.

Can't say I'm excited about it though, it's nothing really special.

Not that presents are all that it's about, but Tony gave me my present two weeks ago, a beautiful Bible, since we joined a small group at church which is following a daily devotional. My Mom gave me my presents in June, some nice shrubs and perennials :) and I won't be receiving a present from my Dad for a few weeks I'm sure.

Traditionally on Monday nights we join our friends for a local taco joint's crazy cheap prices. It's nice to have a day when I can expect to see my friends, especially following the nonsense that is Monday . . . but Tony didn't make any plans for tonight. He just assumed we'd go to Acapulco, as we always do. Kind of a disappointment, you know? {And Aaron, you can not misconstrue that into my being disappointed to celebrate my birthday tonight with you and the gang!} Oh and before we go to Acapulco, he'll be running around with his Dad in his truck to make use of my cousin's dumpster, while I'm at home.

I'm really stressed at work as well, so the combo of anti-climatic birthday with real demands makes for a bad day. It's hard when your husband only has 10 hours on the planning sheet and it's your job to make sure we have business coming in so that he has a job.

Bleh. It's just another day.

I should add, it's highly unusual for me to be this disappointed about my birthday. I'm not one to make a big deal out of it!

Based on some of the responses that have challenged me to remember my blessings, because I truly am blessed (!), I challenge you my readers to come up with some of the obvious and not so obvious reasons why I should embrace my birthday as a blessing anyways!

11 weeks

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Hi. Here I am. Baby bless is the size of a lime. Yeah, I know. A lime. That's crazy. Like almost something of substantial size. Supposedly my uterus will begin to protrude from above my pelvic bone this week.

On the job front, I have my 6 month review next week which I am quite anxious about. I will be waiting to announce until after the review and the anticipation is killing us.

My Grandma made me more egg salad, we agreed though that an attempt should be made to healthify it a bit, since I'm downing it like I drink water! My Grandma was sweet enough to remove some of the yolks for my health. :)

Less than 2 weeks until the follow up ultrasound!

Disclaimer: I discussed with AJ before posting this last night, and she believes that it is understood I'm not trying to get you all to ooh and ahh over me . . . but I like beating a point until it's dead in the ground, so here I go.

I know that I do not look what I would think to be a normal 11 weeks pg. I also struggle with anyone thinking that I am attention whore. I also know that I've picked up quite a few pg or ttc readers and I do not want anyone to be comparing themselves to me, because pregnancy is a beautiful thing and completely relative to one's individual experience.

So, I decided to post my weekly belly pic regardless of the nonexistance of baby bump, as opposed to lumping together all of my belly pics again as I did for w6-10, because well, this is my blog and this is how I want to look back on this experience.

No I probably didn't have to explain this or justify it, but well, that's just who I am. :)


They're basically on two fronts and completely unrelated, but I'm going to be a lazy blogger and combine them anyways.

1. The Vue: After going round and round, with two dealerships and a viper security installer, Tony ended up with a new lover at our local Saturn Dealership. I now have to make room for a service technician named Brent in our bed because Tony will forever sing his praises . . . and I guess if I slip out of this grouchy mood that I'm in I can see that we have a lot to be thankful for. God showed His hand of provision through Brent at a time that I really needed some encouragement. After thoroughly exceeding Tony's expectations by being curteous, honest and efficient, Brent threw a huge curve ball at us by being exceptionally kind as well.

If you remember back with our ignition problems the dealership that we bought our Vue from had to send it to our local Saturn to be serviced, Brent being the one to do the servicing was able to view just how much we've gone through in the 3 months of owning the vehicle. . . and wanting us to be happy with Saturn took his estimated $450 in computer repairs to $100. He wants us to think of it as a deductible, I only know it for what it is, a blessing.

2. With this in mind Tony and I are honestly considering our options in trading in our Vue for either another or completely different vehicle. I may make some of you uncomfortable by saying this, but I firmly believe God was telling me not to purchase this vehicle. It's not often in my life that I've felt so strongly against something for no reason more than my feeling on it. I'm not sure if it was just to avoid the frustrations that we've encountered so far . . . or for unforseen reasons further down the road, but I don't want to find out.

3. Completely changing gears (haha, car related) here . . . awhile back I wrote what I thought was the epitaph of a great friendship, in fact I believe it to be the most important female friendship of my adult life. In true estrogen fueled fashion, there was a powerful explosion of our frienship, an attempt at reconsiliation, a multitude of hurt feelings and finally on my end, I gave up. I quit. I was through being hurt and I thought I heard through the grapevine that she shared the same feelings.

I'm happy to update that we have put aside our past. I admit that I was cautious when she began to contact me again, I guarded my heart. There's a reason I don't have very many close girlfriends, I always get screwed. It's true, while being a good friend is not the most natural thing for me, I try with all of my being . . . and more often than not I get burned for the effort. Because of this, I can be a very jaded person, always expecting the worse but more often than not fully setting myself up for it through my forgiving heart.

A month or so went by, with us playing good friends, our husbands glad to be able to enjoy each other's company again. There were dinners out, movies in, an invitation to join a Bible study and I still did not know our status. Part of me knew that I may have to move on without an apolgy or further exploration of what went on and the extent that we hurt each other . . . but the other part of me, let's say 25%, longed with all of my being for that explanation. I craved it. I wanted to feel justified in it, not necessariliy for the apology, but to know that pain I felt, to know that she endured it as well. Not that I wanted her to suffer from anything I may have said or did, but that she felt the pain from our separation, from the loss of the friendship.

And I got it. In an email that I read in bed on my blackberry, bawling huge tears of months of pent up pain while Tony held me. It was everything I thought I ever needed to hear. And after I read it, Tony asked to as well, with the same result, minus the sobs, there were just tears, because he had had to endure my pain as a bystander the whole time.

She gives me too much credit for having a good heart. I thought a lot of things while in pain that completely discredits much of the praise she gave me. But I thank God for giving her the strength to reach out to me, not knowing if I would embrace or slap her, and that He allowed me the gracious heart to put aside the transgretions and trust in our friendship again.

Will it never end?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

When we bought our "new" '06 Vue, a baby was on our mind, but equally so some type of awareness of an acceptable MPG. We thought the Vue as a model was a good mix of our wants/needs . . . that's why I could not explain the weight on my heart of pulling the trigger to purchase the one that we did. It was the color we liked, great mileage and the best price in the Cities . . . and yet, my heart told me "No." I just had this check in my spirit that it was not right. But I eventually dismissed it as my anxiety concerning adding a new car payment into the mix and not that it addressed the specific vehicle.

I really hate telling myself I told you so. In fact I loathe it. But that's exactly what is sing songingly bouncing through my head right now.

Following all of these frustrations, after a weekend of not using the Vue and letting it sit in the driveway, I went to drive it on Monday . . . low and behold the key fob did not unlock the door. Thinking it was a dead fob battery, I grabbed Tony's, which also didn't work. I finally manually unlocked the door and tried the power locks . . . which of course did not work either. Tony still wasn't home from hunting at that time, so I just left it at that and drove the car to work instead.

After a long and frustrating night last night, we've come to realize it is not a problem with the battery because after charging and running strong for 5-10 it will suddenly die. Tony started researching online and against our hopes, he found quite a few others voicing the same problem for the model and year. Want to know the best part? It can cost $800 to fix.

I hate, hate, hate telling myself I told you so.

I survived the weekend.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Tony's been gone since Friday and it's Monday and I'm alive. Now I'm not one of those scaredy-cats who can't be left alone without their husbands . . . but I do have a hard time sleeping in our house when Tony's gone.

First of all Allie is super protective of me when the man of the house is absent, she is always by my side and barks in response to every sound she hears. Even if it's one of the cats within a foot of her . . . not conducive to sleeping soundly.

Secondly, for some unknown reason Tony decided he should ingrain into my head how unsafe our house is! I think his motivation was replacing our windows, but he proceeded to lecture me for about 15 minutes last year that if anyone ever wanted to break into our house it would easily be accomplished through our windows. Sweet. That instills a lot of comfort doesn't it. We were redoing our doors at the time, so in response I told him we might as well just get cheapo locks. He looked at me idignantly and said we had to get Schlage, because "they're the best!" How's that for irony.

So whenever he leaves I fill the bed with new sleepmates:

1. Maglite flashlight
2. Hammer
3. Baseball bat
4. Allie

They are all arranged on his side of the bed.

Special this year, I actually took the shotgun, that is always under our bed, out of the case and laid it on the floor next to the bed, chamber side up. Now keep in mind, it was left unloaded, but I've never gone that extra step and actually laid it out. Second, I "couldn't find" the baseball bat {because I was too chicken to walk out to our detached garage to look for it!}, but scavenged in the basement and found some extra copper piping from our bathroom remodel.

I went to sleep at 6am this morning.

I'm so thankful my Mom let me sleep at her house Friday and Saturday night and that Tony will be returning from NoDak tonight . . . at 9:00 pm now because of my inconsiderate brother!

I have a strong suspicious this will be the first and last 3 day trip he takes, 2 days is long enough. :) The only good thing is the next hunting trip, we go on together, no need for me to be left alone.

Kristal, this is for you.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

I haven't posted these because let's be honest, either they look like I'm just showing my stomach or I'm extremely bloated, so there's nothing to Awww over. Yet. :) And yes, I did play around with squeezing them together for my vanity . . . but here I am in all my a.m. glory. And yes, my butt really is that big, and holy crap going to get bigger!

Going forward, I'm pretty sure I will be doing weekly belly pics of our Baby Bless (thanks AJ), but will wait until the f/u ultrasound on the 28th to know where we're really at and what's going on.

As it stands right now, I jump up to the next week on Thursdays! Isn't that exciting, yes it is, when you count every day like I do. :)

My Mom is an angel.

Being that I'm a hunting widow this weekend my Mom and I went out to dinner. But not just any food will do when pregnant, you have to really want it . . . otherwise everything ends up tasting like Chipotle, just all wrong on the tastebuds. Which is sad, because I used to really love Chipotle!

What magical food hit the spot last night? Thai, my beloved Sawatdee. If you're a local and you've never been, I highly recommend it . . . although there a quite a few foodies who do not esteem it as the best Thai now that we have such a selection, we've never been disappointed.

The main reason we keep returning to Sawatdee is one specific dish, Rama Thai Delight. It is a coconut milk and peanut curry, served with your choice of meat, over steamed spinach . . . and it is heaven on a plate. It is in the background of the above picture, with the tried and true staple Pad Thai in the foreground. For appetizers we kicked our gluttonous evening off with Fresh Spring Rolls and Chicken Satay.

The reason my Mom is an angel is two-fold, first she had to be in order to hold conversation with me through dinner. I was in a bad mood due to limited activity yesterday/no husband/because I just tend to ornery lately. Additionally, she let me bring home all of the leftovers!

It is so nice to know that I have those fabulous leftovers in the fridge right now, because I already ate 95% of my Grandma's egg salad, there's just enough for one more sandwich! Yikes.

I'm starving but making myself wait until 12:00 to eat . . .but now I can't decide if I want the last sandwhich or some Thai . . . but healthy choice clam chowder sounds really good too! This is the problem I'm trying to convey, it's huge! I need to figure out exactly what I want to eat!

On the baby front.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

I forgot to mention that when we went in on Sept 26th, the ultrasound tech found 2 areas of blood in my uterus. After sharing with my nurse, who conferred with my doctor, I was told to "take it easy." Now I'm not the most active person in the world, but I honestly think that my "take it easy" has to be more than some people accomplish in a week . . . so I needed those three obscure words broken down. And apparentyly they mean I can't do anything, specifically lift, run or play soccer.

I played 4 games, prior to the ultrasound that banished me from physical movement, knowing that I was pregnant and it was a bit like coming back from my ACL surgery: scary, hesitant, uncomfortable. Of course that was after "the foul," that knocked me and my cocky attitude right on my butt. I can still envision the development of play and the instant that douche plowed me into the ground. My heart literally stopped as I felt my body make contact with the unyielding field. I later heard from a friend who was watching the game with Tony that she thought he was going to take the field and go after the guy. She was so confused why Tony lost his temper over something so insignificant (I'm known to be a little rough). Unfortunately, I played my last game without even knowing it. It will honestly be more difficult for me to go without soccer than giving up alcohol.

Still not sick, still no cravings, but still a raging hormonal basket case who can't decide in one moment whether I'm annoyed or in love with my husband. However, yesterday seeing him stride up to me with Noodles Mac n Cheese, diet coke and utensils in hand, I don't think I've ever found him more irresistable. Sidenote: I've never had the mac n cheese but had some terrible stomach problems, which I apparently thought could only be solved by greasy carbs and I was right! It was phenomenal!

I just realized that I never posted our 8-9 week ultrasound pictures!
Some upcoming dates:

Oct 28th - Follow up ultrasound to evaluate blood areas, hopefully I'll be given the green light to be active again!
Oct 31st - First appt with Dr. Should be fun. Maybe?
Dec 12th - Ultrasound appt set to make sure baby has all necessary organs/limbs . . . and to determine the sex!

Rad randomness.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

1. I got to visit with 3 close college girlfriends/teammates/roommates last weekend. I wish I could say it was a fantastic time, but how can an evening be considered favorably when you hear one of your closest friends from school tell you that she's thought about killing herself?

2. Sex and the City the movie has finally been viewed - at the cost of my sleep and sanity last Friday.

3. Tony's mp3 player was stolen out of our unlocked Vue Friday at 3:30 am. Exactly, because Tony witnessed who he thought was the paper boy walk away from our vehicle. It took Tony just a few seconds too long to put together the time, sounds and what he saw to deduce it was not the paper boy. He's bumming. It sucks to be violated like that and he loved that Zune.

4. My grandma made her famous egg salad for me. Okay, maybe it's only famous in our house, but if every time I announce I'm pregnant I get her egg salad I'm sitting pretty! It's sooo good!

5. I'm struggling a bit at work. I can't relay the information without getting pissed off so . . . any additional prayers are welcomed, if you can pray for me without additional information.

6. Tony's going duck hunting this weekend with my Dad and brother. I grew up in a hunting family, hunt myself and know the safety level of all of the hunters he is with, but now that Tony has joined my family on these trips I can't help but majorly stress myself out sometimes thinking about the what-ifs. Knowing that almost all of the important men in my life are together, with guns, or by other men that I do not know with guns sets my mind in a tizzy.

7. I love Maalox. Seriously. It's awesome.

8. You guys posted some fabulous ideas for Hollywood Casual. I still have no idea what I'll wear though, because I do not have skinny jeans, a fabulous top, fashion statement jewelry, killer heels, a pashmina or trendy scarf. Oh and most importantly I do not have the money to even justify the scarf as an outift completer. I'm screwed.

Wow, I had no idea I sounded so terrible or that my list was basically all bad stuff. I'm really doing okay, I swear. I just welcome all prayers.

Hollywood Casual?

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I've been invited through work to a VIP party at the MOA's Grand Opening of their recently renovated theatres . . . and have been asked to show up in Hollywood Casual dress.

Can someone please explain to me Hollywood Casual? I'm pretty well versed in Business, Business Casual, Casual and on down to my pj's . . . but what the frick is Hollywood Casual?

Looking to Hollywood is even more confusing! I don't find any of these "Hollywood Casual" looks to be befitting a Grand Opening VIP party!

And to just be the cherry on top of my already frustrating evening 3 days away . . . I get to avoid a cocktail hour with my boss'! How late can one be to still sneak under fashionably late, taking into consideration I get paid to schmooze?

Don't mind me, I'm just a little flustered over here!

Presenting my "regrowth"

Friday, October 3, 2008

Okay, so I know that I don't wear my hair straight up from my head . . . but this is how bad it is! That's a solid 2" inches!

Or the fashionable way I wear it up is a given to induce screams from my coworkers.
I just had to share, because so many of you came to my hair's defense the other day . . . and I just needed to prove that 1). I was most certainly not looking for a compliment 2). my hair did not deserve the support you gave it! lol

And yes, I know it's thin and frizzy.

Pregnancy Brain is real.

More blood makes it my uterus now than my brain. It's a fact. Okay, it's close to a fact, but I think I just skewed it.

Either way, I'm taking it, because otherwise I just can't explain this:

I wore the jeans I'm wearing at work right now last night when we went to a friend's to watch the debate. I only noticed 2 minutes ago when I went to the bathroom that my underwear from yesterday was still in the crotch of the jeans.

I have 7 more months of this people, this is not acceptable!

There is no picture to document this post.

Now how do I get a pair of underwear home from the office!?!

Crisis averted.


Okay, the details and a promise.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

All right ladies, I will divulge the details and give you a promise.

I POAS (peed on a stick) on Aug 25th for absolutely no good reason, as my temp had nose-dived 2 degrees! It was an extremely hectic day as Tony and I had gone in one vehicle to work, only to be told on arrival that I was needed to participate in a golf event. So Tony and I got back in our vehicle to drive all the way home so that I could change and Tony could grab our 2nd vehicle. It was at that time I decided it was a good idea to POAS. What can I say? I'm crazy. Plus my dear friend AJ had blessed with with an EPT coupon and I felt like I had power at my disposal.

I've never experienced the mix of emotions waiting for that test to pass it's time lapse. I'll be honest, for every hope for a positive, I had one of equal fear wanting a negative. I know that may be hard for some of you to hear, but it's just the way I felt. The moment my emotions caught up to the faint line that my sight was registering took an eternity. I literally jumped for joy, did a little dance and screamed. As they say, a line is a line, is a line. It doesn't matter how faint. I knew within a second that I had to tell Tony as soon I got back to work, so I called him and asked that he run out to the back parking lot to meet me for a bit. He had absolutely no clue, and when I shoved his glasses and the camera of the HPT in his face he couldn't help but stammer, "What does that mean?!" I told him I wouldn't show him if it were negative.

I will always remember the way he kissed me following the news and the reverence with which he said "I'm going to be a daddy."

After the whirlwind golf event, I returned home to an empty house once again, as Tony was helping my Dad at a banquet and once again POAS. This time it was a digital. There is no denying the assurance of seeing the bold word "Pregnant" pop up on such a little itty bitty thing that has the power to determine your future.

We've had our inital appt and were blessed with an ultrasound, which I still haven't scanned in yet. Last Friday the little guy was measuring a full week ahead! It will be interesing to see how that all pans out, since I was charting I specifically know that I O'd late with a due date of May 9th, my LMP at May 7th, and the ultrasound May 1.

I have installed a little ticker on the right that will help keep track of where the little guy is at.

Answers to some Questions:
When did you tell your family? On Monday, yes, I'm good at keeping secrets, we've known for over a month.

Will you find out the sex? Yes

What sex would you rather? A healthy baby first and foremost, but specifically a BOY.

Do you have names picked out? We did, but due to popularity and family use they will be changing . . . they were:
Boy - Jacob James
Girl - Abigail Joy

James and Joy will stay, they are family names

Was it planned? Yes

How are you feeling? Fantastic, my Mom has since shared with me that she escaped morning sickness as well. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to rub it in.

Due Date? May 1-9

Chipotle {but it DOES NOT taste good :(}
Holy Land garlic hummus with warmed up Holy Land garlic pita bread and . . . pickle slices
Cold fruit

Ridiculously hurting and engorged boobs - I've live in sports bras
The Most Broken-Out Face EVER - in the history of acne and me, this takes the cake
Raging hormones - Tony's always wrong, always . . .

Those are all I can think of for now . . .

My Promise: I will not turn this into a blog that alienates those who are not pregnant . . . and if I start going that course, feel free to remind me of my promise!

Oh, did I forget to mention this?

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

PS, if we're friends through facebook, please hold off on making any comments via fb, as we still haven't been able to tell my brother!

As if it needs to be titled, Random?

1. It looks like I didn't lose any of you through my posting drought, still steady at 96.

2. I've learned two things about this annual photo session business, 1). No matter what I think about my hair, I really do need to get it done beforehand 2). It should really be scheduled in close proximity to us actually training for something, anything!

3. It's already frigid in MN. We're saying hello to 30's in the morning.

4. I truly appreciate the responses I've received to my Tuesday ponderings. Most if not all gave me cause for thought and definitely have been dwelled upon.

5. I'm truly disappointed right now. Tony presented me with his mileage check yesterday and with much bravado told me to go get my hair done! Now, as pictures prove the case, I'm not one to be fussy about my hair, but it is in dire need of a trim and color retouch, but I just can't justify the expense. I was thrilled beyond words that Tony designated the money for that purpose . . . but the reality of our money doesn't reflect such frivolty. Last month we had to get new breaks and tires, obviously running us a little ragged in the financial department, but Tony's friend owns the shop and agreed to be paid in two sums. Unfortunately Tony didn't tell me that the 2nd was promised last Friday! So our fun money is now making due money. :(

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