Know it.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

I’m at a crossroads in my life and I’m not quite sure what to make of it.

My whole entire life I had this inner propulsion to be the best, and if not the best, at least the best me that I could be. This lasted me through high school, until it began to falter in college. Oh, I continued to play soccer at high level, and maintained my grades to an above average gpa, but I began to doubt my self worth. This in turn caused me to make some terrible mistakes in college, that I’d be lying if I tried to say have no effect on me today.

I remember my sophomore year of college, quite vividly, sitting on the floor of my room, in front of my mirror, staring at the girl in front of me, who I could no longer recognize. Gone was the outspoken girl of a fierce Christian faith, who knew she could accomplish anything that she desired, fueled by the sheer knowledge that God would see her through and provide the resources. Also missing, the inner radiance and self confidence of someone who knew her place, content with God’s will. In her place, was the reflection of an emotional, physical and spiritually drained wreck, who was forced to mask the absence of inner beauty in any way that she could. I balled that day at those realizations.

I feel like ever since my sophomore year, I’ve tried to fake it. If I fake happiness when I’m serving, I eventually jolly myself into a good mood. I’ve been kidding myself that I can try it in most other areas of my life. And it just isn’t so.

I need an attitude change that can only come from within. Tony deserves better than what I am giving him, and he can’t give enough of himself to make me who I want to be. I need to do a course correct, because this has severe implications in too many aspects of my life right now. I’m more than who I am right now, and I can’t figure out how to get there! But that’s just it, it isn’t for me to change.

Having a vision doesn’t necessarily mean knowing the specifics about what is going to happen next. It has to do with sensing the general directions you’re moving in and having hope that something good is on the horizon. It’s knowing that you do have a future and a purpose, and that it is bright.


AJ said...

Hey there's me, your once-in-awhile blog reader. I'm here to give you a book recommendation. Maybe you've already read it. Perhaps it's not what you're looking for.

The Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren

Have I told you about my friend Sam? He died about 3 years ago (wow...time flies). He was kayaking up in Duluth with his dad and got trapped in a sea cave. He couldn't get out, his kayak went under, and brought him with. Before he went down, he told his dad, "tell everyone I love them." He had so many friends. I have never in my life seen so many people at a wake. It was a rainy day, but the line to pay respects was out the door. He was a great man. A great friend. Everyone's friend. His dad shared that he had read "The Purpose-Driven Life." I believe it is because if the book, and the fact that Sam knew his purpose had been fulfilled, that he so strongly left our world with love and with faith.

Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you.

AJ said...

To clarify: Sam read the book...not his dad.


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