Tuesday, November 27, 2007

My life is cyclical. It's true. However, I choose for the most part to ignore what has happened in my past, to focus on the present or future. It's odd that I try to escape self analysis, when I am always enthralled by the relations of history that are plain as day once examined. There's just something about my Mom's ability to coincide every freak occurance of her life to whatever action she is currently fussing over. I don't want to be that person.

Regardless, I could probably benefit from some soul searching. Especially since I've been acting like a spoiled teenager to my husband lately. He honestly could not, not, not do more to try to please me, and yet I respond with attitude. At least it is apparent to me why I do this. It's simple. I'm not happy with myself. I'm not happy physically, mentally or spiritually. They always say it takes a fall to set yourself straight and I'm hoping to avoid that fall, by discovering this on my own. But that's just the problem, it's not for me to render right.

I've always been independent. A fact that I believe scars both my Mom and Dad to this day, if I actually thought about it. My brother and I have such a close relationship because of the divorce, but in general that was what could be salvaged. Upon closer observation, I believe that for the most part I think people are always going to disappoint me or I them. To remedy this, I must find what is disappointing in them first.

What a terrible way to live life. Expecting that others are going to disappoint.

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