So here it is.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I get extremely annoyed when Tony eats out, when he drives, when he’s unobservant, when he’s too touchy, when he doesn’t know that he should touch me, when he leaves his plate on the coffee table, when he doesn’t realize I would love for him to pick up the kitchen, when he doesn’t recognize that I’m going crazy in a messy house. The list goes on and on.

I’m married. I know. I’ve had a year to adjust. Why am I suddenly annoyed all the time. I know Tony would like to know.

Just a few weeks ago, I felt that I had a made a break through in competing against this annoyance. I recognized that I am placing my expectations to be happy and fulfilled squarely on Tony. That’s not fair. God’s plan does not include for us to find inner peace and contentment in a single person. It’s not natural, because undoubtedly, that person is going to fail.

I tried to tell Tony this last night, in addition to the fact that he does 90% of the driving now, so just based on the numbers that of course means that I will be more annoyed. He didn’t get it. It’s my fault, I brought up the fact that he’s recently been fulfilled in work and that I wouldn’t know my dream job if it were handed to me. He went off on a tangent about how he thinks that I have unrealistic expectations about landing my dream job way too soon and that I’m just setting myself up for disappointment. It was a good conversation, I just don’t think 80% of it was applicable.

I tried to convey that he’s all I have. I don’t have the stand alone girlfriend who understands the flick of my eyebrow, I don’t have the hobbies that I can just immerse myself into, and I don’t have the option of exploring career opportunities. This life that I’m living is it, and he’s not enough to make it all that I want, even though that’s what I’m putting on him.

To make up for this, I’ve been spending way too much. I need to curb my habits, fast. I’m so stupid.

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