I'm on crack.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Seriously, why did I get another job?

To further provide evidence that I am using drugs, seriously jk, I had a nightmare last night that Tony was cheating on me.

In my dream, it started with me going to lay on the couch with him, he patted his side and asked me to join him, because the spot was still warm from ***** sitting with him. I can't remember the name, but any who, he didn't seem to care at all that he was telling me. He even defended himself, by saying it wasn't like he was sleeping with them, he was just kissing them and spending time with them.

Let's just say I snuggled up to Tony as soon as I awoke.

Is it really Monday?

Monday, September 17, 2007

What a whirlwind weekend. To say that I was unprepared for today is one of the biggest understatements of my life. From work on Friday, I left to go down to Marshall for our alumni weekend. So many thoughts flooded my mind as I made that familiar drive, it was mind boggling. It seemed to take a heavy toll on my heart that even though I registered that I was going “home,” no residence, family or independence were going to great me.

I met up with Kat, Nadia, Jenna and Jodi. It was quite shocking to see two girls, with whom I spent countless hotel rooms with traveling across MN, SD and ND, at 6 & 7 months pregnant. Both of their predicaments were absolutely preventable, but still heartbreaking. Kat broke up with her boyfriend, only to find out three weeks after that she was pregnant, only to find out a little later, even more complicated, it was twins. Jenna also broke up with her boyfriend, after finding out that he had cheated on her, well she was lured back and will now forever be connected to him, as she is also pregnant. Nadia and I both left feeling like we are living charmed lives.

In addition to visiting with them, Nadia and I also got the dish on the current soccer team, as both Kat and Jenna are still in Marshall. I’ve always had extreme respect for my coach, she’s the reason I went to Southwest, but apparently the tide is turning and she isn’t getting any respect from the current players. The smile she graced me with and the exuberant hug, furthered my sadness for the team that she is currently coaching. She deserves better. I didn’t get to stay as long as I wanted, or for that matter needed, because I had a wedding. My coach, Jill, is leaving after the season and it seems to be my final severance from Southwest. The players were completely indifferent to the alumni, and next year, I will only know 4 of them. The coach may not even continue the alumni weekend tradition. I’m having a terrible time coming to terms with this loss. This program paved the way for the most monumental 4 years of my life.

So, if I thought I had a lot to reminiscence over while I drove in, I had a whole lot more to ponder on the way back. The wedding was for Shannon and Chris in the Sculpture Garden. There was a fiasco getting there, and we missed the wedding, which really ate at me because it was family only and we were obviously missing. At Acapulco one week ago, I overheard my cousin telling Tony where exactly in the garden the wedding was to be held and I remember breathing a sigh of relief because I didn’t know my way around the garden. Going back to Saturday, I asked Tony three times if he knew where we going, failing to mention the specific conversation. Well we get to the garden with enough time, only for Tony to say, okay now where, do you have the map? There was no map and I thought he knew where we were going! He obviously got upset and said that he didn’t remember. So yeah, we missed it. My Dad called and Tony dropped me off with enough time to watch them walk back up the aisle. When Tony came, he stood by my side, but it was obvious we were feuding. We talked it out within 10 minutes, and the rest of the night was fabulous. I had so much fun dancing with my brother and my Dad.

Yesterday I had another training shift at Acapulco and then a soccer game at 8:00. Looking back the last time I was able to just hang out was Wednesday night, otherwise we have been go-go-go.

Oh and Tony was a busy man Friday night, he mulched all of the trees, did the dishes, washed some clothes (I refuse to say did the laundry because he will not put them away), scrubbed the bathroom and covered my flowers to save them from frost.

Kind of nice.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Soccer is no longer my life.

That is a huge demotion to the sport of my life. Up until a year and a half ago, soccer dictated my comings and goings, what I ate, where I was, who I was friends with and to a large extent, how I felt about myself. Inevitably, I knew that would change, however, when the transition happened I was too caught up planning the wedding to mourn the end of a lifestyle.

It's only been of recent, when someone congratulates me on completing a pass. Or when I can barely leave the field after 90 minutes, because what I put on the turf could barely be called the beautiful game. People think I'm too hard on myself, and I just want to scream at them my dreams, my unexamined dreams of what I could do for the sport.

Usually after leaving a game, I wonder where I should change. Should I go more competitive, to try to pretend that I can still do it? Or do I just need to resign myself to the fact that I'll never be at that level again?

Anyways, when I got to work yesterday morning, I saw this:

Hi Leah, just a quick note. Rock and I were talking in the car and we both concurred that you are one of the best technical players on the team. You had an excellent game Monday night. We both thought that you should even think about playing midfield during parts of our future games if your comfortable with that.
You seem to be able to see the field very well and have a high soccer I.Q.
Alrighty then. Have a great week.

To say that it made my day is an understatement.

So here it is.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I get extremely annoyed when Tony eats out, when he drives, when he’s unobservant, when he’s too touchy, when he doesn’t know that he should touch me, when he leaves his plate on the coffee table, when he doesn’t realize I would love for him to pick up the kitchen, when he doesn’t recognize that I’m going crazy in a messy house. The list goes on and on.

I’m married. I know. I’ve had a year to adjust. Why am I suddenly annoyed all the time. I know Tony would like to know.

Just a few weeks ago, I felt that I had a made a break through in competing against this annoyance. I recognized that I am placing my expectations to be happy and fulfilled squarely on Tony. That’s not fair. God’s plan does not include for us to find inner peace and contentment in a single person. It’s not natural, because undoubtedly, that person is going to fail.

I tried to tell Tony this last night, in addition to the fact that he does 90% of the driving now, so just based on the numbers that of course means that I will be more annoyed. He didn’t get it. It’s my fault, I brought up the fact that he’s recently been fulfilled in work and that I wouldn’t know my dream job if it were handed to me. He went off on a tangent about how he thinks that I have unrealistic expectations about landing my dream job way too soon and that I’m just setting myself up for disappointment. It was a good conversation, I just don’t think 80% of it was applicable.

I tried to convey that he’s all I have. I don’t have the stand alone girlfriend who understands the flick of my eyebrow, I don’t have the hobbies that I can just immerse myself into, and I don’t have the option of exploring career opportunities. This life that I’m living is it, and he’s not enough to make it all that I want, even though that’s what I’m putting on him.

To make up for this, I’ve been spending way too much. I need to curb my habits, fast. I’m so stupid.

I'm so sick of allergies.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Seriously, if I lived 20 years of my life without allergies why do I have to make up for the absence in 3 years?

What a weekend.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Tony and I went up to Maple Lake in WI, to visit with some of his college friends. It was a 4 hour trip out, but well worth it.

Group dynamics are always fun and this was no exceptions as tensions ran high, stupid comments were made, and people were taken advantage of . . . in the kitchen only thankfully. I usually ended up cleaning and a fellow married gal, Suelynn usually took on the cooking responsibilities. When there are 12 grown adults who have managed to keep themselves alive for 25+ years and only two people do most of the work, that's not cool.

What was cool was that I was able to get up water skiing! I've only successfully gotten up one time before and that was atleast 5 years ago.

Something equally cool/not cool was the 4 person tube that we battled on. Check it out.


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