Thursday, August 30, 2007

Can I have a little patience.

Tony's phone from Michael Lee has finally stopped working, so today he came down and joined with my Verizon account. I had no patience for the boy and I feel bad.

Sometimes though, all he needs is to be alittle more observant and utilize common sense.

I need it, seriously, I need patience.


Wednesday, August 29, 2007

On Tuesday's, I am blessed to join a Bible study here at Target. One of my team members, who went to Bethel invited me, and I honestly can say it's been life changing. They have been such a strong support, in an environment that seems sterile of faith.

For awhile we did a couple of devotionals, but lately have just gone verse by verse, starting in James. Growing up in a Christian home and school, I take a lot of my knowledge for granted and often just skim the edges. It's amazing the insight that can be gained when only looking at the Bible as it was intended, in snapshots to be studied.

James is a knee bender. As in, it makes you want to get down on your knees, beg God for forgiveness and be nothing more than the humble servant we should be ideally.

I've known for a while now, but I need more patience and humility. As a people, we are selfish and self serving and I'm one of the best. I'd like to think I've developed, that I have become a better person throughout this first year of marriage, but I haven't. If anything I've gotten better at my tactics. I've struck out at Tony because I'm not fulfilled at work, and because I haven't spent enough time strengthening my relationship with Jesus. I've allowed myself to become defined by Tony, which I know I will never be satisfied by, but yet, I still hold him accountable.

So have at it.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

So for some completely random reason, this morning as I was on the bus, I was thinking that in a little over a year I could potentially be pregnant. The thought itself isn't that shocking, we talked about it quite a bit and feel like it would be good timing. It's that last little phrase, about timing.

My mind was then a whirlwind of unknowns and surprisingly the two most upsetting revelations were: I don't think my prayer life is up to par with being a mother and who are we to decide what good timing is?

Seriously, if I had a penny, which I know I'm well within my right to appreciate that penny to a dollar or a quarter, but honestly a penny for every time I have heard about my Mom praying for me . . . well you know, I'd be rich. Before she was pregnant with me, while she was pregnant, while she thought of my future spouse, while I was laying in a crib, while I was off doing non dangerous teenage activities that I still can't get her to understand she should be thankful for! She was my prayer warrior. How can I even think to bring a child into this world without knowing that they would have 1/10th of the foundation I had?

To finish. My mind is also reeling at the hypocrisy I felt as I began to pray for God's guidance and wisdom, that next fall whenever we start trying that we will entrust the timing and expectations to Him. Well isn't that nice, I'm saying, God, we don't quite trust you now, so we'll do everything the way we want it, but next fall when we think it might be nice for us, then, then we'll let You take over.

Makes me think the Catholics have got it right, man.

Not quite sure.

Monday, August 27, 2007

I'm still not quite sure how this blog is supposed to go. It's definitely lacking direction, however, that may be because I am right now as well.

I can't wait until Spring!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Here are my spring purchases:

Peony Tulip Ostara Hyacinth Snow Crocus

Double Daffodil Grape Muscari Pickwick Crocus

And for summer, I will attempt to start these from seed!

Lupine Sunrise Lisianthus Dianthus

Bellflower Begonia Balloon Double Astra

Last night we splurged!

Okay, so it wasn't a huge splurge, but we bought a wine rack from Slumberland for $100. Even though the directions sucked, Tony got it up and ready to go in less than an hour.

If it's not one . . .

Lord, today I bring my husband before you. I thank you profusely for the opportunity and ever present hand that you have graciously extended. Please Lord, I ask that you bless my husband with the clarity of mind to wade through the complexities of his new job! Lord he deserves every desire of his heart!


Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Tony and I had an eventful weekend, just past.

Friday night we were invited over to Jason and Theresa's abode in Maple Grove. Theresa made the most fantastic spicy Thai pork tenderloin! Seriously, it was nummy! I tried my hand at Mojito's and failed, terribly, but I managed to choke it down. *Please don't substitute lime vodka for real lime's and rum lol.

Saturday we then went and ran some errands. We went to Kohl's and Tony stocked up on some nice shirts. We each have a few favorites. At roughly 2:20 we headed down south to the city of Lakeville, which is quite the drive! Tony and I were welcomed with more than open arms to his new company's work party. Not that I feel I am a trophy wife, but I do my best to come across as one. I want to feel like I aid in Tony's package and come across as his asset, so the day was entirely draining because I felt like I had to be constantly witting and anticipate opportunities to put Tony in a good light. At many points I just wanted to cry in happiness. KOMA may very well be one of the best things that have ever happened to Tony, although I know it was so much more than that, God's blessing.

After the party we went up to Tony's school friend's, Missy, who was having a BBQ . . . err, was before the rain. It was fun to see some people, but not all.

Sunday we went to church with Matt and Ang, which I so needed. Tony and I discussed the church, Grace Church in Roseville and established our wish list in a church. We also went out to IHOP after. I miss Angeli, I seriously need her to have good phone reception! Who can survive on text messages alone with their best friend?! Shannon's shower was at 1:00, I was a little late, but there were more after me. Following up Saturday, I was a little talked out and anti-social, but tried to remedy by helping as much as I could. I had to leave early for a soccer game. We won, but the girls got razzed again for being late! Screw that.

Shouldn't be surprised.

Friday, August 17, 2007

I know I shouldn't be surprised and in some ways, I'm not, but WOW. Lord, you are amazing. Thank you for your provision.

Tony got a new job! I get my husband back and we could stand to see more money coming in.

This company honestly seems made for Tony, and even though he will be challenged, I know that he will excel!

Keep Holding Fast

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Oh Lord,
Let your help be on the way. You say that you will provide us an escape route from every situation that you put us into. Lord you know that Tony and I are seeking you, please let your time be now. Guide us on our unsteady path, let Tony be placed as your will sees fit.

Tony has a 4:30 interview. He needs it and I need it.

When he lost his job the same day that we closed on our house, we were scared, but faithful. The blessing of a new job has now turned sour, as Tony has endured about as much as a man can take. His pride and ego have been slashed and reputation tainted by words being put in his mouth. His ultimate goal of leaving work at the office has slightly been abadoned, twice daily phone calls to vent are now the norm. Gentle reminders that I am not the enemy are not necessarily taken as readily as they once would.

Lord, Tony needs this so much.


Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Tony and I had a fantastic weekend, a little on the long side, but extremely enjoyable. Friday was an all day strategy session at work, followed by a happy hour. Tony met me at our outdoor happy hour at Brit's and we just beebopped on over to Gameworks for Nadia's birthday. Nadia was extremely anxious about bringing all of her random friend's together, but it went extremely well. As she said, "I shouldn't have doubted my friend's social skills."

Saturday, Tony and I went to Lowe's, Menard's and Best Buy. Returns were made at Menard's and Best Buy, and then the grand purchase: a water filtration system! Okay, so it's a baby one, but within seconds of installing it we were happily and revoltingly rewarded. There is so much nasty, nasty gunk in our water! My Dad and Shirley threw a couples shower for my cousin, and even though we didn't have a gift we were coerced into going. We had a fun time.

Sunday, we went to church. I then went to my soccer game. Warren can be such an a-hole. I show up to the field, my reg time, for the start of the game. We have no other female players, which means we have to play two short AND I don't get a sub, and he has the audacity to ask me to be on time!

Anyways, we then went to my Mom's for dinner. It was a good time.

Tony is using a lot of restraint at work, but is running around like crazy to find a more stable job. His boss is a head case, who can not regain control of his company or the business, so he's trying to impose his influence on Tony, ie blaming him for everything!

I lied.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

I really did have a good anniversary with Tony. It is amazing that we have only/already been married one year.

Looking back on all of the tumultous changes the last year has brought, I'm unsure if I'm more or less prepared for the future!

Last 12 months:

Living in Stillwater
Working at Baker's Square
House in Stillwater sells
Move in with In Law's in St. Paul
Finally get "real" job
Quit Baker's Square
Decide it's time to purchase home
Fall in love with Mounds View
Tony losses job at Brinkman Russel
Close on first home
Tony begins work with Michael Lee
Tony now faces unemployment

So fantastic, not.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

I feel like being a little kid again. When I sold earrings purely for the purpose of going to horse camp. When I sat on the front porch and thought that the only way it could be better is if I had a book to enjoy. When soccer held all of the possibilities in the world to me.

I don't want to worry about where our mortgage payment is coming from or if Tony will have a job next week or after that.

I wish I had been able to fully enjoy our first anniversary, not smile through the grimace as I tallied our evenings fare.

Hold fast

Friday, August 3, 2007

Most days I only listen to the radio for 10 minutes, 5 on the way to the P&R, 5 on the way home . . . usually I'm blessed with one song to be stuck my head . Today, I have Hold Fast.

To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us

Please do not let go
I promise there is hope
Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast

Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?

Please do not let go
I promise you there's hope
You may think you're all alone
And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we're soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity, Lord
Here He comes

For all of my contempt of music, it honestly gets me through the day.

I'm not quite sure.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

In the 23 short years of my life I have never been witness to a tragedy, not that I've missed it mind you, until last night.

My normal day, my normal commute, my normal 20 minutes extra at the office at the end of the day to give me a short Friday.

My normal bus route that brought me safely home to my husband at 6:15, just in time, to hear the not so normal news that the 35W bridge over the Mississippi River had collapsed.

We were just about to clean the kitchen together, when we both paused mid reach for dishes, at the incomprehensible words coming from the living room. We immediately were drawn and sat in shock at the visuals, first on KMSP and then shortly after CNN & Fox News. Almost one mile, 75 vehicles, 18 construction workers, and numerous bikers and pedestrians going about their normal lives, suddenly thrown into an unwanted spotlight.

The phone calls and text messages were almost instantaneous and morbidly they are treasured, for I know that I am cared for to that extent and the opportunity to to reply, yes I am safe. My Mom and brother joined us around 7:00, we ordered pizza and I know that my Mom relished in the fact that we were together. We took out my bus route and I convinced myself and everyone else that I somehow cross the bridge some other way, it's only hitting me now that I don't.

I crossed the bridge roughly 10-12 minutes before the collapse.

I'm so thankful to God for the safety and provision He has provided; for the school bus that miraculously landed on all four wheels, for the onlookers near and far that heeded the call to action. Additionally, I'm thankful for the opportunity God has given for inner reflection and the mortal questions that are undoubtedly being asked. I pray the Lord strengthen your walk and enable you to ask the questions of yourselves and potentially provide the answers to those asked of you.


Wednesday, August 1, 2007

So, I'm pretty comfortable with the realization that I am terrible at keeping up a journal. Case in point: 16 years of my life were captured in 1 1/2 journals, that's not what I call dedication. However, even with how sporadic my entries may have been, I was always able to glean some wisdom or understanding of myself when reflecting . . . so here I am. Maybe this new forum will help me in consistency.

Tony and I have almost been married for a full year and oh . . . what a year it's been. After our lovely stint with the inlaws we were blessed to be in a situation to buy a house. I never thought that I would think fondly of our town, until of course Tony started toss names out like Maplewood and White Bear Lake.

We've been in our house now for 4 months, which does not actually feel right, but I know is true on paper. Our roles in marriage have already begun the ebbing and flowing that we expected, challenges that we never foresaw becoming very much real. Tony is constantly my supporter, while I myself generate quite a bit of criticism towards him. Our strength is our communication, while frankness can be biting, it also helps to clear the air. Fortunately the air has always cleared, instead of becoming more polluted from our honesty.

We still haven't found a church yet, although on a surface level we have agreed on a large one near by. Unfortunately I have myself chained to a Sunday morning soccer league. More to come on that, as we know will not survive without guidance and fellowship.

We have been fortunate enough to surround ourselves with good people, good married couples. Our home life is stable, no one's had to sleep on the couch just yet. My relationship with my Dad is currently strained again, but we'll see how that pans out.

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