About Me:

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Brief Bio:
I’m 25 years old.
The love of my life Tony, is my husband.
I work as a business development manager.
My interests include planting, soccer, running, great food, being outdoors, hanging out with my hubby, family and friends, traveling, and wine, by the bottle.
I am a nondenominational born-again Christian.
Some may call me a cat lady, but I've always had a heart for animals.
I want to run a marathon.

Part One: Brief Background
1. I was born October 20th. I was born in and grew up in a suburb of MN.

2. I have two sets of parents, as both of my parents remarried after their divorce. My Mom and Dad were married for more than 10 years, before divorcing when I was 6.

3. My Mom married my stepdad Dusty when I was 8, and my Dad married Shirley when I was 9. Three stepbrothers were brought into the equation with these marriages, one of whom grew up with my brother, Levi and I.

4. Levi is the greatest kid. I love him dearly. We got through alot of bad times together and he's grown up ito a very respectable young man.
5. I should have a brother 2 years older than I. When my Mom was in labor with Philip, the doctor failed to arrive, resulting in the nurse postponing delivery, which was unfortunate given that the umbilical cord was strangling my brother every second while waiting. As a result of the oxygen loss, he was born with several complications. He died of those complications when he was 1 1/2 years old. The doctor, in attempt to cover his own butt, mislead my parents and said that my brother's symptoms were a result of a hereditary disease from my Mom. There was no proof of this, but for years my Mom wondered whether she should get pregnant again and it obviously put a strain on my parents marriage.

6. My Mom was extremely overprotective while raising Levi and I. For the most part, we went with it, but as she rationalized her restrictive rules on the loss of Philip, I grew to resent him. It's only now that I can truly understand the pain my Mom went through. He was alive for a year and half, constantly in pain and she could do nothing.

7. I went to a Christian school kindergarten through eighth grade, and then I went to a public school. I graduated in 2002.

8. I wouldn't say I had a great childhood, shuttled between parents . . . but my Mom provided for us best that she could.

9. One of the things that I loved to do as a girl was ride horses. I was obsessed with them.

10. I used to read $.5 novels from the '50's that my grandma would get for me from garage sales. The stories were always about little girls and their horses, I remember one in particular who was able to save money in a change jar to be able to buy her own horse. I used to believe I could do the same.

11. My Grandma and my Mom pitched in to allow me to ride at a family owned stable. I loved that place like it was my own home. I basically grew up there, from 5 years old to 14.

12. When I was 9 years old my Dad introduced my brother and I to soccer, seeing as how our stepbrothers played. It was one of the most pivotal choices of my life.

13. I played soccer competitively, while riding competitively until I was 14, at which time I decided my fate. At that young age I decided I had more of a future in playing soccer than riding, given that I didn't own a horse!

14. I made JV my freshman year of high school, and was pulled up to play in the State Tourney at the end of the year. I'll never forget that feeling. My sophomore year I split time between JV and Varsity, again making it to State. As a junior I was starting Varsity as a defender, followed by MVP my Senior year.

15. I wouldn't have defined myself as popular in high school, but I was integral to the "popular-non-party-jock-academic-Christian" group. Even making it to Homecoming Court.

16. I was on to something when I chose soccer as my future. I chose to go to a small state school, where I played Division II soccer. Before even applying I was offered a 65% scholarship, between soccer and academics. Not too shabby.

17. I was undecided through my sophomore year, before deciding on a Marketing degree, with a minor in graphic design.

18. Although my grades were on par for my own aspirations, I do not believe I applied myself in college . . . but I played some darn good soccer, even ending up Captain.

Part Two: Employment

19. To go along with riding, when I was 10 years old my Mom put my creativity to work. In order to raise enough money to ride I made earrings and sold them at craft shows.

20. I started working just a bit shy of 16, as a hostess/cashier at Baker's Square. I worked there throughout high school, finally serving at 17, and on into college. I worked at few different locations, and they were always good to put me back on the schedule whenever I came home for break. 7 years. That's a long time.

21. After graduating, I was too possessed with planning the remaining bits of the wedding to be bothered with doing too much job searching. As a result, I worked at Baker's Square throughout the summer and into the fall.

22. Until the fateful day that I received the email, Target Corporate. The big red bullseye wanted me.

23. I began with Target November 13, 2006 as a Merchandise Coordinator. I was in women's clothing so I basically didn't shop for a year, but I wasn't happy. It was a crap job and a long uphill battle to do any work that I would deem meaningful.

24. In the fall of 2007 I picked up a serving gig in addition to Target at Acapulco. My Dad is basically a part of the family there, as he's frequented for years and has a menu item named after him. We've always been treated well, and I don't know, I just figured it'd be easy. Boy was it.

25. In the spring of 2008, I ruined a friendship and went after my dream job at Target. I was specifically asked to apply for the opening of Associate Specialist Creative Buyer, and I felt it was actually within reach. After a great interview, I had to wait a month to the day to find out my fate. The word was "No."

26. That same day, Tony was busy chatting up his boss about me, and low and behold I was called in for an interview. I was offered the position of Business Development Manager before I walked out the door. After a bit of haggling over maternity leave, I accepted.

27. I walked away from corporate America and am now working with my husband.

Parth Three: Love Life

28. I did not have my first kiss until I was 16 years old. True story.

29. I was deemed a long-term relationship girl, with my first boyfriend. We dated for 1 1/2 years in high school. He's a nutjob now.

30. I then broke up with him to pursue my first love. He really was. We thought we were going to get married.

31. I went away to college and he stayed home to go to community college. I decided that I needed to have a little fun in my life and well, for no other reason, I broke up with him, over the phone the spring of my freshman year.

32. It still makes my stomach turn.

33. Like I'm actually nauseous reliving how stupid I was at the time and for making such a heartbreaking decision without a good reason.

34. Don't get me wrong, if we'd continued to date I probably would have killed him or stifled him, because there is no way he would be where is he is at in his life if we'd stayed together. I was just, so, so, so stupid. If I'd stayed with him for even a year longer, even if to eventually have broken up, it would have saved me a lot of pain and 99% of my life's regrets.

35. So between Jonas and Tony were Mikey, Dan, Todd and Corey. They were more than mistakes. They were the tragedies of my life. We'll leave it at that.

36. At the end of that long tunnel is Tony. The brightest light of my life.

37. We met online. Crazy, I know. Neither of us were even actively dating online.

38. He was emailed my profile through a website called: truelovehappens.com. It's since non-existant, and was originally called emode.com which was a college quiz site.

39. Apparently he liked my picture. What can I say, I was hot. :P

40. We started emailing, which let to IM's, which let to his asking for a meeting, which I turned down. I was home for Christmas break my junior year.

41. Based on our emails I told my friends: "He is fictional perfection." and even "I'm going to marry this kid."

41. In my final week of break, Tony asked again and I relented, agreeing to a day further in the week, with full intention of not showing up.

42. As the week progressed I decided to give him a shot, I was falling in love with him through his emails. The man that he presented himself to be, I had to look over the typos and grammar errors, but the heart was there. :)

43. I arranged to meet smack dab in the center of a shopping mall. No abductions for me, thank you. I even took precautions to have a friend strategically spy on me, with the plan to walk by us. Either I'd let her pass, or acknowledge her as my dearest friend who I hadn't seen in forever, quickly apologize, thank for the meeting and waltz off with Nadia.

44. The night before our meeting, we spoke on the phone for the first time. He sounded like such a dork! :)

45. Through our conversation we learned that my best friend was his cousin's roommate, a cousin who he spent time with and subsequently befriended my friend! We were able to reference each other off of my friend and his cousin, and thus walked into our meeting the next day for whole new reasons of apprehension.

46. I fell in love with him at the Caribou of the Rosedale Mall, oh yeah, after I met my previously mentioned first love Jonas, at a Caribou a city away. God certainly has a sense of humor. I was able to obtain the closure I so needed, just before walking to the man that He provided for me.

47. I remember making a fool out of myself to Nadia after Tony left. Gushing does not even come close to describing.

48. We were very clear through our emails that we were not into dating for fun anymore. Because honestly, it stops being fun. We established that if one of us thought the other wasn't fit to marry, no hard feelings. Of course that's not the way it turned out.

49. Within 6 weeks were were talking marriage.

50. We just knew.
51. He is the man God created for me. He is my other half, in all aspects.

Know it.

I’m at a crossroads in my life and I’m not quite sure what to make of it.

My whole entire life I had this inner propulsion to be the best, and if not the best, at least the best me that I could be. This lasted me through high school, until it began to falter in college. Oh, I continued to play soccer at high level, and maintained my grades to an above average gpa, but I began to doubt my self worth. This in turn caused me to make some terrible mistakes in college, that I’d be lying if I tried to say have no effect on me today.

I remember my sophomore year of college, quite vividly, sitting on the floor of my room, in front of my mirror, staring at the girl in front of me, who I could no longer recognize. Gone was the outspoken girl of a fierce Christian faith, who knew she could accomplish anything that she desired, fueled by the sheer knowledge that God would see her through and provide the resources. Also missing, the inner radiance and self confidence of someone who knew her place, content with God’s will. In her place, was the reflection of an emotional, physical and spiritually drained wreck, who was forced to mask the absence of inner beauty in any way that she could. I balled that day at those realizations.

I feel like ever since my sophomore year, I’ve tried to fake it. If I fake happiness when I’m serving, I eventually jolly myself into a good mood. I’ve been kidding myself that I can try it in most other areas of my life. And it just isn’t so.

I need an attitude change that can only come from within. Tony deserves better than what I am giving him, and he can’t give enough of himself to make me who I want to be. I need to do a course correct, because this has severe implications in too many aspects of my life right now. I’m more than who I am right now, and I can’t figure out how to get there! But that’s just it, it isn’t for me to change.

Having a vision doesn’t necessarily mean knowing the specifics about what is going to happen next. It has to do with sensing the general directions you’re moving in and having hope that something good is on the horizon. It’s knowing that you do have a future and a purpose, and that it is bright.

POAPW - That's Power of a Praying Wife

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Sometimes we don't doubt God's existence, or whether He is able to help us, we just doubt His desire to have any immediate impact on our lives. Surely He is too busy for my problems, we think. But the truth is, He's not.

I'm not sure how much of my self reliance is self imposed because of this thinking or just because I've learned over time that I should just take care of things, but I definitely do not cast all of my cares onto the broad back of God as I am supposed to.

The message at church on Sunday, was "It would take a miracle to find my purpose." And I knew it was for me. There is no amount of self analysis that will truly guide me to my life's purpose, I need to look to my creator to find what his intention was for me.

Aside from knowing and fearing Him.

Never again, Big Bowl!

Monday, December 17, 2007

Bleh, Nadia and I went out to Rosedale on Friday night and were actually friends. I know, I know shocker. We walked and talked, and walked and talked and finally ended up at Big Bowl at 9:00. It was my suggestion, I've been craving their Sangria and Citrus Curry for some time now. We got the Passion Fruit Pomegranate Sangria and then ordered chicken potstickers and the shrimp and scallop citrus curry to share. Unfortunately about half way through our meal, I just knew something was wrong. I interupted our meal and begged forgiveness from Nadia, only to quickly jet home to bed. No amount of Malox Plus could help me and at about 2:00 I said good bye to my dinner. Ew. I haven't thrown up in so long!

Saturday, luckily, we didn't have any plans, well, excluding Blaine's mandatory Alcohol Awareness class for all servers! So, I:

Went to bed at 10:00
Threw up at 2:00
Got up at 8:30
Class from 9:00-10:45
Back in bed at 11:00
Got up, to move to the couch at 3:00
Lounged until 7:00
Went to my parent's to watch Transformers on their new 40" LCD
Back in bed, and slept throught the night at 11:30

I felt yucky all day, but fortunately felt much better yesterday.

Tony and I checked out the late service at Eaglebrook. I love having a church that close by, that is so dynamic, but Tony and I are still struggling with the "concert worship" and "video message." We need a church that we can plug into, so we're anxiously awaiting the married group to start, but we're going to try out a few other churches before the groups begin in February.

We took a family picture with the IL's at Proex, which of course my Mother in law hated, because she hates pictures of herself, but we got a few good ones.

After a lot of housecleaning, I then left Tony to draw, while I met up with my BS folk. It was a good time reunion.

And now it's Monday.

Friday, December 14, 2007

God says our first steps are to be toward Him. As we look to Him, the glory of His image gets imprinted upon us. When our self-image gets so wrapped up in God taht we lose ourselves in the process, we're free. We want that liberty for our husbands, as well as ourselves.

Lord, could there be a better way to describe the cry of my heart?

We need You. In more ways than we have been willing to admit recently.

We need You. Reveal Yourself to us.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

God has a time for everything and He works in us what needs to be done to prepare us for what is ahead. Having a sense of God's timing brings the peace to wait on the Lord for it.

Lord, you know that I needed this. Tony thinks I'm impatient, while I think I'm the furthest, okay, so sometimes I'm impatient, but I need some movement at work.

Lord, I need you to guide me.


Friday, December 7, 2007

Continuing his trend of roses in observance of our monthly anniversary, Tony sent me roses at work, because of his absence on Wednesday.

I so needed it.

We both feel like we haven't truely talked to each other in months.

We're going on a date tonight. :)

New Wall Art!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

I'm so excited I finally have some art to put on the wall by our table. Unfortunately, it still needs to be repainted, because RL Suede does not touch up well.

But here it is in all it's unmatted glory on our dining room table!
Plus the fact that it was only $46! I found the print on flickr.com, even though she's a true artist and charges $100+ for the same on her own site . . . she still had all of her original files on flickr! So I got it printed at kodak.com for $20 and then bought a 60% frame at Michael's on black friday for $26!

Hi girls

So I have two readers, hi there Rachel and AJ.

I'm not quite sure if I should continue to pretend like you're not actually reading, like I've been writing, or if I should just acknowledge that you are there . . . I'm not the best at updating this guy, but when I do, it's usually no holds barred and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable with anything that I may share, so I just want you to know that what ever I do post, I'm comfortable with you knowing.


Haha, how's that for opposites AJ, can I try to get any more less attention, rather than more?

Just as I expected . . .

Thursday, November 29, 2007

last night was a little bumpy, but by the end Tony and I were comfortably talking and eating homemade peanut butter cookies.

He doesn't feel like I openly communicate with him, which seems to happen every 6 months or so. For the most part it's true, I just get so tired of talking.

Christmas Cards!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Tony and I finally get to send out Christmas cards! I'm super excited, because I was once again able to design something, anything!

You ate my post.

That's annoying, my post just disappeared.

Tonight, Tony and I get to have some quality home time. Unfortunately we've been at odds with each other. Why do I strain and pressure Tony so much? Seriously, he is the best man that I know. No contest. Seriously. NO. CONTEST. And yet I constantly make him feel like less and refuse his advances. The guy couldn't do more for me.

So here's to a good night.


Tuesday, November 27, 2007

My life is cyclical. It's true. However, I choose for the most part to ignore what has happened in my past, to focus on the present or future. It's odd that I try to escape self analysis, when I am always enthralled by the relations of history that are plain as day once examined. There's just something about my Mom's ability to coincide every freak occurance of her life to whatever action she is currently fussing over. I don't want to be that person.

Regardless, I could probably benefit from some soul searching. Especially since I've been acting like a spoiled teenager to my husband lately. He honestly could not, not, not do more to try to please me, and yet I respond with attitude. At least it is apparent to me why I do this. It's simple. I'm not happy with myself. I'm not happy physically, mentally or spiritually. They always say it takes a fall to set yourself straight and I'm hoping to avoid that fall, by discovering this on my own. But that's just the problem, it's not for me to render right.

I've always been independent. A fact that I believe scars both my Mom and Dad to this day, if I actually thought about it. My brother and I have such a close relationship because of the divorce, but in general that was what could be salvaged. Upon closer observation, I believe that for the most part I think people are always going to disappoint me or I them. To remedy this, I must find what is disappointing in them first.

What a terrible way to live life. Expecting that others are going to disappoint.

Beautifimous Doors

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Tony rocks. Seriously, he is awesome. I had my doubts this weekend as he was installing doors, I had visions of a skyrocketing budget when it comes time to renovating our bathroom when unexpected problems occurred, but he plugged right along. We now have two BEAUTIFUL doors, lacking a little bit of finishing trim, but all the same, I'm pretty sure I could not be more pleased!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I actually believe that this past birthday was the best birthday, since oh, I’d say my 17th, which was a bonfire and hayride at my favorite stable, Roselawn. And c'mon, topping that is hard to beat! It was amazing. Friday night Tony and I went out dancing with some friends downtown, which let’s be honest, it feels so good to dance! We were the sober drivers, once we realized that if we didn't stop drinking at 9:00, no one would be getting us home. Saturday morning we were up bright and early to be in St.Paul to pick up my FIL’s truck, to be in Eagan at 8:30 to remove an unwanted chest freezer from relatives. They’ve only wanted us to get it for two months! Jeez.

After that we headed back to the house, where we made use of the gorgeous weather. Tony spent the majority of the day installing the side door, while I planted my next installment of bulbs. Last week I planted 95, this weekend 55, still another 76 to go. I’m so thrilled for the potential of my garden next spring! Just a little after we should have left, we went up to St. John's to watch my brother play his final home game. I can’t believe he’s a senior. Both my Mom and my Dad were there, so it was perfect to be able to get some family time in.

We quickly returned to the Cities to prepare for dinner, which Tony kept a surprise. He asked for suggestions at work and that’s how we ended up at Zelo’s, right across the street from my workplace lol, but we’d never tried it before! The food was fantastic! We got our customary calamari, it doesn’t even seem to matter where we go, if it’s a nice place we get calamari. We then got the Ciao Baby salad, with balsamic vinaigrette, goat cheese and pine nuts. Soooo nummy. I ordered the fettuccini with asparagus, which also hosted a ton of cheese, pine nuts and slivered asparagus, almost like French cut green beans. I ate the whole thing.

Tony presented me with a Banana Republic jacket, which was so sweet because I know he put a lot of effort into it, plus he really likes it. Unfortunately the small is just too big, so we’ll have to see if the xs works or if we have to find a different one. My winter jacket is holey and missing a button, so it was sweet he remembered.

After dinner we met up with Matt and Angeli at Café Latte. I was too stuffed for desert so I just got some Celestial Seasonings mint tea. It meant so much to be able to share some time with them. Angeli just started at Target again, after a 3 month maternity leave so our time is few and far between.

We were in bed by 11:45 and thoroughly exhausted, but it honestly was unbelievable.


Wednesday, October 17, 2007

It's my birthday on Saturday, I'm hoping for not hockey skates.

Actually, I'm just really unsure how to feel about birthday's now.

We got our doors!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

We got our doors, we got our doors, hey - hey - hey - hey! Yay!

So excited, Tony and I picked them up last night and they look fantastic! Now to decided on a paint color, although the door itself will not be the only thing needing paint, as the previous owners did an interesting job weatherproofing resulting in us having to re do all of the trim and repaint the foyer!

Sooo, now we get new doors, and new paint!

We have an on going list for the house and in all honesty, I love it that way. I think I'd go insane if I lived in a newly constructed home, unless I got to participate in the design.

On our list of wants, in priority:

Fixing the bathroom: knocking out closet, redoing sheetrock, installing fan, redoing tile, new fixtures and vanity, paint $1850

Fence: entirely fence in our backyard with privacy fence! $3200

Wall: repaint with the paint we will have to get for the foyer, decorate it! $100

Computer: We neeed a new computer. A legit need. $700

Treadmill: Anything will do. Our relationship may depend on it.

Now I've done it.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I didn't know it was possible, but apparently cat ladies can be married, which has now been proven. We have three cats, and a dog.

Friday, I decided with the little bit of time I had before Tony came home from work, to go up to the Humane Society to visit the unfortunate animals. I did it all throughout high school and figured there would be no harm in returning. I was wrong.
For the first half an hour I spent my time with two 6 month old kitties, one surrendered, the other found. My heart just broke for the pretty siamese who's owner brought her in because she couldn't pay to keep her. She literally threw her body at the gate to better enable my hand to pet her. She was so used to love . . . while on the other hand the perky black kitty next to her was a stray, and yet she expected and welcomed affection just as readily. I finally pried myself away, to only find a kennel with two white marked tabbies. I should have stayed with the 6 months old. I honestly did not think that there would be tabby kittens, who would think there would be in October?! And wouldn't you know that the one which made my heart melt was the female, Lucy.
I called Tony and asked him to come up, but only if he willingly knew his precense would only encourage me. I knew I couldn't leave alone without her, only that if I truly was not to have her I'd have to leave with Tony. So he came up and sure enough became absolutely smitten.
Now we're a three cat family!


Thursday, October 4, 2007

I never was much good at updating these things. Although I had a good stretch of updates there.

Well let's see, I'm making money at Acapulco finally. I actually really enjoy it as well. I've already stashed away quite a bit and I'm realizing that soon we will be making decisions on our bathroom remodel and that our fence in the spring will be a reality!

For the time being, a little splash of newness was bought last night at Menards. I now have a Big Card. Something which I never thought I would want or need. For $600 we got two entry doors and two new schlage locksets, which we will flip flop the lock and deadbolt for a little bit of added security. If only I could get my husband to agree to use them . . . He maintains that it doesn't matter if we have two different locks, requiring two different keys, if someone wants to come in they'll just use the windows . . . why then did he insist that we HAD to buy Schlage?

I'm on crack.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Seriously, why did I get another job?

To further provide evidence that I am using drugs, seriously jk, I had a nightmare last night that Tony was cheating on me.

In my dream, it started with me going to lay on the couch with him, he patted his side and asked me to join him, because the spot was still warm from ***** sitting with him. I can't remember the name, but any who, he didn't seem to care at all that he was telling me. He even defended himself, by saying it wasn't like he was sleeping with them, he was just kissing them and spending time with them.

Let's just say I snuggled up to Tony as soon as I awoke.

Is it really Monday?

Monday, September 17, 2007

What a whirlwind weekend. To say that I was unprepared for today is one of the biggest understatements of my life. From work on Friday, I left to go down to Marshall for our alumni weekend. So many thoughts flooded my mind as I made that familiar drive, it was mind boggling. It seemed to take a heavy toll on my heart that even though I registered that I was going “home,” no residence, family or independence were going to great me.

I met up with Kat, Nadia, Jenna and Jodi. It was quite shocking to see two girls, with whom I spent countless hotel rooms with traveling across MN, SD and ND, at 6 & 7 months pregnant. Both of their predicaments were absolutely preventable, but still heartbreaking. Kat broke up with her boyfriend, only to find out three weeks after that she was pregnant, only to find out a little later, even more complicated, it was twins. Jenna also broke up with her boyfriend, after finding out that he had cheated on her, well she was lured back and will now forever be connected to him, as she is also pregnant. Nadia and I both left feeling like we are living charmed lives.

In addition to visiting with them, Nadia and I also got the dish on the current soccer team, as both Kat and Jenna are still in Marshall. I’ve always had extreme respect for my coach, she’s the reason I went to Southwest, but apparently the tide is turning and she isn’t getting any respect from the current players. The smile she graced me with and the exuberant hug, furthered my sadness for the team that she is currently coaching. She deserves better. I didn’t get to stay as long as I wanted, or for that matter needed, because I had a wedding. My coach, Jill, is leaving after the season and it seems to be my final severance from Southwest. The players were completely indifferent to the alumni, and next year, I will only know 4 of them. The coach may not even continue the alumni weekend tradition. I’m having a terrible time coming to terms with this loss. This program paved the way for the most monumental 4 years of my life.

So, if I thought I had a lot to reminiscence over while I drove in, I had a whole lot more to ponder on the way back. The wedding was for Shannon and Chris in the Sculpture Garden. There was a fiasco getting there, and we missed the wedding, which really ate at me because it was family only and we were obviously missing. At Acapulco one week ago, I overheard my cousin telling Tony where exactly in the garden the wedding was to be held and I remember breathing a sigh of relief because I didn’t know my way around the garden. Going back to Saturday, I asked Tony three times if he knew where we going, failing to mention the specific conversation. Well we get to the garden with enough time, only for Tony to say, okay now where, do you have the map? There was no map and I thought he knew where we were going! He obviously got upset and said that he didn’t remember. So yeah, we missed it. My Dad called and Tony dropped me off with enough time to watch them walk back up the aisle. When Tony came, he stood by my side, but it was obvious we were feuding. We talked it out within 10 minutes, and the rest of the night was fabulous. I had so much fun dancing with my brother and my Dad.

Yesterday I had another training shift at Acapulco and then a soccer game at 8:00. Looking back the last time I was able to just hang out was Wednesday night, otherwise we have been go-go-go.

Oh and Tony was a busy man Friday night, he mulched all of the trees, did the dishes, washed some clothes (I refuse to say did the laundry because he will not put them away), scrubbed the bathroom and covered my flowers to save them from frost.

Kind of nice.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Soccer is no longer my life.

That is a huge demotion to the sport of my life. Up until a year and a half ago, soccer dictated my comings and goings, what I ate, where I was, who I was friends with and to a large extent, how I felt about myself. Inevitably, I knew that would change, however, when the transition happened I was too caught up planning the wedding to mourn the end of a lifestyle.

It's only been of recent, when someone congratulates me on completing a pass. Or when I can barely leave the field after 90 minutes, because what I put on the turf could barely be called the beautiful game. People think I'm too hard on myself, and I just want to scream at them my dreams, my unexamined dreams of what I could do for the sport.

Usually after leaving a game, I wonder where I should change. Should I go more competitive, to try to pretend that I can still do it? Or do I just need to resign myself to the fact that I'll never be at that level again?

Anyways, when I got to work yesterday morning, I saw this:

Hi Leah, just a quick note. Rock and I were talking in the car and we both concurred that you are one of the best technical players on the team. You had an excellent game Monday night. We both thought that you should even think about playing midfield during parts of our future games if your comfortable with that.
You seem to be able to see the field very well and have a high soccer I.Q.
Alrighty then. Have a great week.

To say that it made my day is an understatement.

So here it is.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I get extremely annoyed when Tony eats out, when he drives, when he’s unobservant, when he’s too touchy, when he doesn’t know that he should touch me, when he leaves his plate on the coffee table, when he doesn’t realize I would love for him to pick up the kitchen, when he doesn’t recognize that I’m going crazy in a messy house. The list goes on and on.

I’m married. I know. I’ve had a year to adjust. Why am I suddenly annoyed all the time. I know Tony would like to know.

Just a few weeks ago, I felt that I had a made a break through in competing against this annoyance. I recognized that I am placing my expectations to be happy and fulfilled squarely on Tony. That’s not fair. God’s plan does not include for us to find inner peace and contentment in a single person. It’s not natural, because undoubtedly, that person is going to fail.

I tried to tell Tony this last night, in addition to the fact that he does 90% of the driving now, so just based on the numbers that of course means that I will be more annoyed. He didn’t get it. It’s my fault, I brought up the fact that he’s recently been fulfilled in work and that I wouldn’t know my dream job if it were handed to me. He went off on a tangent about how he thinks that I have unrealistic expectations about landing my dream job way too soon and that I’m just setting myself up for disappointment. It was a good conversation, I just don’t think 80% of it was applicable.

I tried to convey that he’s all I have. I don’t have the stand alone girlfriend who understands the flick of my eyebrow, I don’t have the hobbies that I can just immerse myself into, and I don’t have the option of exploring career opportunities. This life that I’m living is it, and he’s not enough to make it all that I want, even though that’s what I’m putting on him.

To make up for this, I’ve been spending way too much. I need to curb my habits, fast. I’m so stupid.

I'm so sick of allergies.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Seriously, if I lived 20 years of my life without allergies why do I have to make up for the absence in 3 years?

What a weekend.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Tony and I went up to Maple Lake in WI, to visit with some of his college friends. It was a 4 hour trip out, but well worth it.

Group dynamics are always fun and this was no exceptions as tensions ran high, stupid comments were made, and people were taken advantage of . . . in the kitchen only thankfully. I usually ended up cleaning and a fellow married gal, Suelynn usually took on the cooking responsibilities. When there are 12 grown adults who have managed to keep themselves alive for 25+ years and only two people do most of the work, that's not cool.

What was cool was that I was able to get up water skiing! I've only successfully gotten up one time before and that was atleast 5 years ago.

Something equally cool/not cool was the 4 person tube that we battled on. Check it out.


Thursday, August 30, 2007

Can I have a little patience.

Tony's phone from Michael Lee has finally stopped working, so today he came down and joined with my Verizon account. I had no patience for the boy and I feel bad.

Sometimes though, all he needs is to be alittle more observant and utilize common sense.

I need it, seriously, I need patience.


Wednesday, August 29, 2007

On Tuesday's, I am blessed to join a Bible study here at Target. One of my team members, who went to Bethel invited me, and I honestly can say it's been life changing. They have been such a strong support, in an environment that seems sterile of faith.

For awhile we did a couple of devotionals, but lately have just gone verse by verse, starting in James. Growing up in a Christian home and school, I take a lot of my knowledge for granted and often just skim the edges. It's amazing the insight that can be gained when only looking at the Bible as it was intended, in snapshots to be studied.

James is a knee bender. As in, it makes you want to get down on your knees, beg God for forgiveness and be nothing more than the humble servant we should be ideally.

I've known for a while now, but I need more patience and humility. As a people, we are selfish and self serving and I'm one of the best. I'd like to think I've developed, that I have become a better person throughout this first year of marriage, but I haven't. If anything I've gotten better at my tactics. I've struck out at Tony because I'm not fulfilled at work, and because I haven't spent enough time strengthening my relationship with Jesus. I've allowed myself to become defined by Tony, which I know I will never be satisfied by, but yet, I still hold him accountable.

So have at it.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

So for some completely random reason, this morning as I was on the bus, I was thinking that in a little over a year I could potentially be pregnant. The thought itself isn't that shocking, we talked about it quite a bit and feel like it would be good timing. It's that last little phrase, about timing.

My mind was then a whirlwind of unknowns and surprisingly the two most upsetting revelations were: I don't think my prayer life is up to par with being a mother and who are we to decide what good timing is?

Seriously, if I had a penny, which I know I'm well within my right to appreciate that penny to a dollar or a quarter, but honestly a penny for every time I have heard about my Mom praying for me . . . well you know, I'd be rich. Before she was pregnant with me, while she was pregnant, while she thought of my future spouse, while I was laying in a crib, while I was off doing non dangerous teenage activities that I still can't get her to understand she should be thankful for! She was my prayer warrior. How can I even think to bring a child into this world without knowing that they would have 1/10th of the foundation I had?

To finish. My mind is also reeling at the hypocrisy I felt as I began to pray for God's guidance and wisdom, that next fall whenever we start trying that we will entrust the timing and expectations to Him. Well isn't that nice, I'm saying, God, we don't quite trust you now, so we'll do everything the way we want it, but next fall when we think it might be nice for us, then, then we'll let You take over.

Makes me think the Catholics have got it right, man.

Not quite sure.

Monday, August 27, 2007

I'm still not quite sure how this blog is supposed to go. It's definitely lacking direction, however, that may be because I am right now as well.

I can't wait until Spring!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Here are my spring purchases:

Peony Tulip Ostara Hyacinth Snow Crocus

Double Daffodil Grape Muscari Pickwick Crocus

And for summer, I will attempt to start these from seed!

Lupine Sunrise Lisianthus Dianthus

Bellflower Begonia Balloon Double Astra

Last night we splurged!

Okay, so it wasn't a huge splurge, but we bought a wine rack from Slumberland for $100. Even though the directions sucked, Tony got it up and ready to go in less than an hour.

If it's not one . . .

Lord, today I bring my husband before you. I thank you profusely for the opportunity and ever present hand that you have graciously extended. Please Lord, I ask that you bless my husband with the clarity of mind to wade through the complexities of his new job! Lord he deserves every desire of his heart!


Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Tony and I had an eventful weekend, just past.

Friday night we were invited over to Jason and Theresa's abode in Maple Grove. Theresa made the most fantastic spicy Thai pork tenderloin! Seriously, it was nummy! I tried my hand at Mojito's and failed, terribly, but I managed to choke it down. *Please don't substitute lime vodka for real lime's and rum lol.

Saturday we then went and ran some errands. We went to Kohl's and Tony stocked up on some nice shirts. We each have a few favorites. At roughly 2:20 we headed down south to the city of Lakeville, which is quite the drive! Tony and I were welcomed with more than open arms to his new company's work party. Not that I feel I am a trophy wife, but I do my best to come across as one. I want to feel like I aid in Tony's package and come across as his asset, so the day was entirely draining because I felt like I had to be constantly witting and anticipate opportunities to put Tony in a good light. At many points I just wanted to cry in happiness. KOMA may very well be one of the best things that have ever happened to Tony, although I know it was so much more than that, God's blessing.

After the party we went up to Tony's school friend's, Missy, who was having a BBQ . . . err, was before the rain. It was fun to see some people, but not all.

Sunday we went to church with Matt and Ang, which I so needed. Tony and I discussed the church, Grace Church in Roseville and established our wish list in a church. We also went out to IHOP after. I miss Angeli, I seriously need her to have good phone reception! Who can survive on text messages alone with their best friend?! Shannon's shower was at 1:00, I was a little late, but there were more after me. Following up Saturday, I was a little talked out and anti-social, but tried to remedy by helping as much as I could. I had to leave early for a soccer game. We won, but the girls got razzed again for being late! Screw that.

Shouldn't be surprised.

Friday, August 17, 2007

I know I shouldn't be surprised and in some ways, I'm not, but WOW. Lord, you are amazing. Thank you for your provision.

Tony got a new job! I get my husband back and we could stand to see more money coming in.

This company honestly seems made for Tony, and even though he will be challenged, I know that he will excel!

Keep Holding Fast

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Oh Lord,
Let your help be on the way. You say that you will provide us an escape route from every situation that you put us into. Lord you know that Tony and I are seeking you, please let your time be now. Guide us on our unsteady path, let Tony be placed as your will sees fit.

Tony has a 4:30 interview. He needs it and I need it.

When he lost his job the same day that we closed on our house, we were scared, but faithful. The blessing of a new job has now turned sour, as Tony has endured about as much as a man can take. His pride and ego have been slashed and reputation tainted by words being put in his mouth. His ultimate goal of leaving work at the office has slightly been abadoned, twice daily phone calls to vent are now the norm. Gentle reminders that I am not the enemy are not necessarily taken as readily as they once would.

Lord, Tony needs this so much.


Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Tony and I had a fantastic weekend, a little on the long side, but extremely enjoyable. Friday was an all day strategy session at work, followed by a happy hour. Tony met me at our outdoor happy hour at Brit's and we just beebopped on over to Gameworks for Nadia's birthday. Nadia was extremely anxious about bringing all of her random friend's together, but it went extremely well. As she said, "I shouldn't have doubted my friend's social skills."

Saturday, Tony and I went to Lowe's, Menard's and Best Buy. Returns were made at Menard's and Best Buy, and then the grand purchase: a water filtration system! Okay, so it's a baby one, but within seconds of installing it we were happily and revoltingly rewarded. There is so much nasty, nasty gunk in our water! My Dad and Shirley threw a couples shower for my cousin, and even though we didn't have a gift we were coerced into going. We had a fun time.

Sunday, we went to church. I then went to my soccer game. Warren can be such an a-hole. I show up to the field, my reg time, for the start of the game. We have no other female players, which means we have to play two short AND I don't get a sub, and he has the audacity to ask me to be on time!

Anyways, we then went to my Mom's for dinner. It was a good time.

Tony is using a lot of restraint at work, but is running around like crazy to find a more stable job. His boss is a head case, who can not regain control of his company or the business, so he's trying to impose his influence on Tony, ie blaming him for everything!

I lied.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

I really did have a good anniversary with Tony. It is amazing that we have only/already been married one year.

Looking back on all of the tumultous changes the last year has brought, I'm unsure if I'm more or less prepared for the future!

Last 12 months:

Living in Stillwater
Working at Baker's Square
House in Stillwater sells
Move in with In Law's in St. Paul
Finally get "real" job
Quit Baker's Square
Decide it's time to purchase home
Fall in love with Mounds View
Tony losses job at Brinkman Russel
Close on first home
Tony begins work with Michael Lee
Tony now faces unemployment

So fantastic, not.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

I feel like being a little kid again. When I sold earrings purely for the purpose of going to horse camp. When I sat on the front porch and thought that the only way it could be better is if I had a book to enjoy. When soccer held all of the possibilities in the world to me.

I don't want to worry about where our mortgage payment is coming from or if Tony will have a job next week or after that.

I wish I had been able to fully enjoy our first anniversary, not smile through the grimace as I tallied our evenings fare.

Hold fast

Friday, August 3, 2007

Most days I only listen to the radio for 10 minutes, 5 on the way to the P&R, 5 on the way home . . . usually I'm blessed with one song to be stuck my head . Today, I have Hold Fast.

To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us

Please do not let go
I promise there is hope
Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast

Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?

Please do not let go
I promise you there's hope
You may think you're all alone
And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we're soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity, Lord
Here He comes

For all of my contempt of music, it honestly gets me through the day.

I'm not quite sure.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

In the 23 short years of my life I have never been witness to a tragedy, not that I've missed it mind you, until last night.

My normal day, my normal commute, my normal 20 minutes extra at the office at the end of the day to give me a short Friday.

My normal bus route that brought me safely home to my husband at 6:15, just in time, to hear the not so normal news that the 35W bridge over the Mississippi River had collapsed.

We were just about to clean the kitchen together, when we both paused mid reach for dishes, at the incomprehensible words coming from the living room. We immediately were drawn and sat in shock at the visuals, first on KMSP and then shortly after CNN & Fox News. Almost one mile, 75 vehicles, 18 construction workers, and numerous bikers and pedestrians going about their normal lives, suddenly thrown into an unwanted spotlight.

The phone calls and text messages were almost instantaneous and morbidly they are treasured, for I know that I am cared for to that extent and the opportunity to to reply, yes I am safe. My Mom and brother joined us around 7:00, we ordered pizza and I know that my Mom relished in the fact that we were together. We took out my bus route and I convinced myself and everyone else that I somehow cross the bridge some other way, it's only hitting me now that I don't.

I crossed the bridge roughly 10-12 minutes before the collapse.

I'm so thankful to God for the safety and provision He has provided; for the school bus that miraculously landed on all four wheels, for the onlookers near and far that heeded the call to action. Additionally, I'm thankful for the opportunity God has given for inner reflection and the mortal questions that are undoubtedly being asked. I pray the Lord strengthen your walk and enable you to ask the questions of yourselves and potentially provide the answers to those asked of you.


Wednesday, August 1, 2007

So, I'm pretty comfortable with the realization that I am terrible at keeping up a journal. Case in point: 16 years of my life were captured in 1 1/2 journals, that's not what I call dedication. However, even with how sporadic my entries may have been, I was always able to glean some wisdom or understanding of myself when reflecting . . . so here I am. Maybe this new forum will help me in consistency.

Tony and I have almost been married for a full year and oh . . . what a year it's been. After our lovely stint with the inlaws we were blessed to be in a situation to buy a house. I never thought that I would think fondly of our town, until of course Tony started toss names out like Maplewood and White Bear Lake.

We've been in our house now for 4 months, which does not actually feel right, but I know is true on paper. Our roles in marriage have already begun the ebbing and flowing that we expected, challenges that we never foresaw becoming very much real. Tony is constantly my supporter, while I myself generate quite a bit of criticism towards him. Our strength is our communication, while frankness can be biting, it also helps to clear the air. Fortunately the air has always cleared, instead of becoming more polluted from our honesty.

We still haven't found a church yet, although on a surface level we have agreed on a large one near by. Unfortunately I have myself chained to a Sunday morning soccer league. More to come on that, as we know will not survive without guidance and fellowship.

We have been fortunate enough to surround ourselves with good people, good married couples. Our home life is stable, no one's had to sleep on the couch just yet. My relationship with my Dad is currently strained again, but we'll see how that pans out.

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