Self Aware

Thursday, March 26, 2015

I wasn't happy to find myself pregnant at the beginning of 2014. I doubt that's shocking to those who've read between the lines or had a conversation with me last year.

Sure, we'd made comments about the possibility of a 4th child someday, but it was quite different to all of the sudden be pregnant, again. The year of 2014 was supposed to be a big year for me, personally. I had goals and dreams, things I wanted to prove to myself. And another baby, another year of being a vessel, once again laying down myself for the development of life, they were completely contradictory to what I envisioned.

And yet, 2014 did end up being a HUGE year for me. I learned more about myself through the course of those 365 days, directly due to expecting our bonus baby. Not all of what I learned was positive, actually most of what I learned about myself wasn't, but there's something to be said for examining the darkest parts of yourself. I would honestly describe it as standing at the edge of an abyss, toeing the line, and mustering the courage to walk away. Of course, this is dramatizing very mundane aspects of days, weeks, months. It wasn't all dark, dreary and oppressive, but in the small moments to myself, I was overwhelmed in it. 

Something finally clicked around Christmas. By that time I had drank and eaten my way back to the weight I was pregnant with Naomi and then some. I'd never weighed that much, ever. Pregnant or not. It was finally the kick in the pants I needed. I wasn't happy with who I was. I felt weighed down by my life, like I physically couldn't breath because of those I loved the most.

I'm sure this will somehow be misconstrued, but my hope is that it can help someone. If there's one reader who can be nudged into the right direction or the arms of someone who cares, it will have been worth it.

Because I'm not there anymore. I was able to stare down the monster within myself. And I won. Everyday I'm striving to be a better version of me, to figure out who that even looks like as a mom of 4. And as opposed to last fall, I am certain that I will successfully regain my identity, which includes being a mother, but leaves room for more.

A Decade

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Now that we have four kids, Tony and I really struggle to prioritize our marriage. Isaac has been very needy lately, and I think it's primarily due to the length of time he's away from the family at school. Ezra and Miri are just in the thick of gaining independence and responsibility, meaning unless supervised they are making huge messes. And Naomi, well, she obviously needs the most amount of care.

I told Tony last week that he gets the worst of me. There's no doubt about it. After caring for the kids, trying to continue to keep my business up, and trying to give myself a little bit of fringe time for myself, there's not much of me left to go around. Amazingly, he said that if the worst of me is all he gets, that he'd still be a happy man. I don't know how God shaped him into the person he is today, but I'm forever grateful. This is how we're still happily married.

And ten years ago, it started in the middle of a mall, with a dorky guy wearing glasses, a button up I didn't like and a hockey jacket, when he met a girl who'd finally moved past her high school boyfriend, literally an hour before. My heart was racing and I was almost late, but I had to take a second to stop in a storefront to gather my thoughts, before rushing into my future.

I told my friends prior to meeting Tony that he was fictional perfection. On paper he seemed too good to be true. But after meeting him, I gushed to Nadia, who'd been waiting as my spy, that I thought I would marry him.

Early on in our relationship, after exchanging those three little words, Tony always raved that he would always be in love with me. A little jaded, I told him that it wasn't true and that I wasn't interested in him always being in love with me, as I found it unsustainable. I told him that I cared more that if we fell out of love with each other, that we would commit to falling back in love.

And I can say without a doubt, we have, several times over.




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Ring-A-Round the Rosey

Saturday, December 13, 2014

:: I spend most of my days in a sort of disbelief.

I can't believe I have a 5 1/2 year old.

I can't believe we had only two boys 2 years ago. 

I can't believe we have 4 kids.

You'd think I'd be adjusted by now, but I'm not.

:: Everything has been moving at warp speed lately and I've felt completely out of control.

No one wants to read that. Or maybe, it's what everyone has wanted to hear?

Who's to know?

I feel like I'm failing continuously. Day in. And day out.

It just depends on the day who is suffering from my failures.

:: What I miss most about blogging is that it made me pause to be honest with myself. 

I miss that reflection and the opportunity to actually flesh out my feelings.

:: Knowing the origin of Ring-A-Round the Rosey, singing the song to my kids feels very dark.

I love that they instantly start giggling if I suggest we do it though.






Ezra John is Three

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Oh wait, it's not June. Not even close, but after viewing some old blog posts with Isaac, I was reminded why I was committed to updating this blog for such a long time. It's my time vault. It's a treasure trove. And it needs to continue.

So, here's Ezra's birthday from June.

We had a family birthday party again and were so grateful for the additional space of our new house, as it was raining! There was no way we'd have been able to fit everyone into our old house.

Look at my baby boy's little remaining baby face. He's grown up so much since this!

For some reason, that I'll doubt we'll ever know. Ezra was obsessed with this watermelon ice cream cake from Dairy Queen. He didn't even know there were plastic ants on it until we went to order it.

One night before a session, I got the crazy idea to get the kids dressed up and bring them to my session to grab a few shots beforehand. The light was gorgeous . . . but the mosquitoes were awful! I shot fast, contacted my client and we actually did their session at another location.
June 2014-3

Ezra is still my sweet, silly goofy boy.
June 2014-4

Those eyes!
June 2014-7

He has this ability to be constantly amazed at life.
June 2014-9

And is such a sweetheart.
June 2014-10

We don't know how he picked it up, but daily he'll say "Mama, you're beautiful." expecting me in turn to either tell him he's handsome or a sweetheart. I mean melt my heart into a full puddle.

He absolutely adores Isaac, unless he's beating on him. Thicker than thieves these two.
June 2014-15

He's still the spitting image of Tony, which I'm obsessed about.
June 2014-31

Love you sweet boy!
June 2014-57

Life of Late

Thursday, October 16, 2014

I've encountered the question, so often from friends, family and clients "How's it going?"

It's such an odd question to answer.

I can't remember how much sleep I get each night.

I have no idea if Naomi is on a schedule yet.

I am forever grateful for the business that I've been given since her birth.


We've been able to enjoy this fall, like no fall since I've started photography.

It's so crazy to have the female version of Isaac.

I'm trying to savor every day.

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